Monthly Archives: November 2011

The Tampon and Diaper Aisle at CVS

You know what really GRINDS my gears? The organization of the aisles at CVS. Specifically, the tampon aisle.

Ok, I have a sort of strange tradition/ punishment ritual where every month, I buy tampons at CVS alone and in the scrubbiest, nastiest sweatpants imaginable. My goal is to look like shit because I feel like shit and I’m buying tampons.

So, as I’m scanning the aisle looking for the biggest pack of the most generic tampon brand, it always takes me a good five seconds to realize how I’m in the fuckin diaper aisle. Like, the tampons I’m eyeing are suspiciously across the way from the adult diapers.

I feel very fortunate that I do not have issues that require wearing a diaper, and I honestly hope that people who do are not offended by this post. Yet, I know myself well enough to know that I am uncomfortable with this shit in public. I cannot deal with people believing I could possibly be buying tampons, let alone fucking full-sized adult diapers.

I know that the majority of people don’t care and aren’t looking, but I’m one of the few people that DO look at people’s purchases and judge them on it.

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Holy Shit, It’s a Walking Octopus

Ok can someone explain this to me? What the fuck?

I was innocently browsing through Yahoo today (what the hell else are you supposed to do the day before Thanksgiving) and came across this gem. An OCTOPUS slinking across land. Apparently he (or she) could smell food on land and wanted to explore. Holy Shit!

That’s wicked creepy but also makes me want to have an octopus. How crazy would it be if your octopus just up and peaced from his little tank to steal some crackerjacks from your snack closet? I’d be pretty alarmed at first but that trick alone would be way cooler than any “gimme your paw!” trick a dog could do.

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The 5 Different Drunk Girl Stereotypes- WHICH ONE ARE YOU?

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how my guy friends treat me like I’m a dude. If they ever bitch about typical girl behavior, I passionately disagree and say, “OMG who does that?!? I’d never do that! That’s psycho!” and then one of them would say back, “Yah but you’re not like other girls. You don’t count, you’re like a dude.”

I feel flattered by these statements because I don’t consider myself to be very dude-ly, so I must hide the girl-crazy well. I mean, I get obsessive and stage-five  like the next girl, but with my guy friends I must seem pretty laid back and un-crazy. Maybe I dump all of that onto my girlfriends.

I think the craziest of crazy comes out when girls get sloshed. That’s because the portal to absolute-crazy-upon-all-crazy opens when inhibitions are down and emotions run high. I’m surprised my guy friends don’t see this about me, considering I get drunk with them regularly.

Here, I’ve enlisted the help of Ke$ha to illustrate the 5 different (most common) types of crazy drunk girl out there. Ladies, what do you think? Which of these are you? Don’t worry, you can be more than one.

1. The Whore. Every girl has that friend who gets drunk and sleeps with everybody and if you don’t, chances are you’re her! (Good for you! Now go and read “Free Love, People!”)

2. The Crier. Oh God, we’ve all had nights spent vomiting into a sewer drain and crying about that douche that won’t return your calls or texts. Maybe you were The Whore last night and The Crier tonight. Either way, you probably shouldn’t have come out tonight. Next time, buy a bottle of Sutter Home and watch Titanic in your pajamas. That’s what you wanted to do all along, right?

3. The One Who Thinks She’s Helping (AKA The Babysitter). Sometimes there’s this friend that doesn’t realize she’s hammered and takes it upon herself to try to “fix” everybody’s problems. Whether it be comforting The Crier or saving The Whore from another one night stand, she sucks the fun out of every situation because she assumes people should be babysat. Too bad she doesn’t realize that everyone saw her take those Patron shots earlier so they know she’s actually worse off than everyone else there.

4. The Angry Bitch. She’s been pissed off for a while and is looking to dump that onto somebody. She’s the one who will get your group kicked out of the bar because she slapped the guy who jumped in front of her when she was trying to get a drink. She’s like the girl version of Ronnie from the Jersey Shore. She’s got something to prove and she proves it by shitting on people and starting fights.

5. The One Who Thinks She Can Keep Up With The Guys. This is pretty self-explanatory. This type of drunk girl is in denial about her state of sobriety like The Babysitter but suddenly becomes the shitshow under five seconds. All of a sudden she’s puking and everyone is completely unprepared. Sometimes this type can rally and come back for round two, but at least for me, when I’m done I’m done.

Do you agree? Can you think of any more? I’ll admit- I’ve been all of them. Hell, I’ve been most of them in a single night. I just find it odd that my guy friends don’t see this. Maybe I’ve been too sober lately.

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Filed under Booze

I Hope My Husband’s Not the Creepy Uncle

With Thanksgiving around the corner, I’ve been thinking a lot about family, which got me thinking of stereotypes. When people are stereotyping families, they always include the Creepy Uncle on the list. This made me realize that I don’t have one. There is NO Creepy Uncle in my family.

I know that I shouldn’t be upset by this, but in having multiple Creepy-Uncle-free generations, it’s only natural to conclude that my generation may be due to reap one. My siblings and many cousins are already paired off and I see no sign of Creepy Uncle with them. Does this mean my husband will be him then? Is my future husband- wherever he may be- the newest Creepy Uncle? God, I hope not.

I feel as though women may be able to figure whether or not a potential suitor is Creepy Uncle material. Here are some solid indicators:

  1. Is he a big drinker? Creepy Uncles always get too drunk and rowdy so chances are, if your man drinks then he could start getting awkward at family functions. This sucks for me because I tend to be attracted to dudes who drink a lot. I’ll have to watch out on this one.
  2. Is he a manwhore? Creepy Uncles have probably been around the block a couple times (hence #3).
  3. Is he agressive? The Creepy Uncle will definitely hit on all of your relatives, so I’m sure that during courting, he’d be way forward and touchy-feely. Lucky for me, I have personal-space issues so I hate guys that are like that.
  4. Is he childish? Creepy Uncles have probably been coddled by their parents and expect people to do everything for them. They pick on the little kids and think that it’s funny when it’s actually super annoying. I would never tolerate this behavior.

So there’s my list for all of you single ladies. I wish a non-Creepy-Uncle-husband for all of you.

Image: SNL “Creep”

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My Secret Mortal Enemy

So there’s this girl I went to high school with that I’ve been enemies with for a while but I’m fairly certain she has no idea. I hated her when we were in high school because she’s one of those well-liked girls that no one could ever say anything bad about but was also talented in other areas and got attention for it. Don’t confuse her as being one of the cool “popular” high school people because my school was way too lame to have any of those (although some people thought they were), and I definitely would never find myself envious of such vile creatures anyways.

I think a huge reason why I hated her is because we were both trying to tap into the Rock-band-Hockey-Player-High-School-Guy dating demographic and she was much more successful at it than I ever was. In high school, I was pretty fun and had friends but I was definitely awkward about dating and flirting. She, on the other hand, had hot boyfriends and boys in every class pining for her affections. I was just a stupid hot mess who’d fall asleep in class because I always rolled out of bed 10 minutes before I had to leave the house.

Just recently, when I was on Facebook secretly resenting her, I realized that my hatred for her is completely ungrounded. She has literally never said anything offensive to or about me or anyone I love and protect. So why do I STILL hate her? I was with a friend at the time and asked her if she had a Secret Mortal Enemy too, and she told me she had a couple. Could you believe that? Multiple Secret Mortal Enemies? That must be difficult to keep up with!

That made me begin to think about how someone might secretly hate me or resent me for no apparent reason, too. I might be someone else’s Secret Mortal Enemy- I’d have no idea! At first I was upset and scared by this but then I realized that I hope someone does secretly hate me for no reason. That means that there’s something way cool about me that they wished they had.

Do you have a Secret Mortal Enemy?

Image courtesy of a quick google image search of “haters”

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Free Love, People!

I recently posted a blog article, “I Don’t Mean to Sound Like a Total Bitch, But…” the other day and it made me start to think about other phrases people use that are vastly ineffective and obviously untrue. One of the best ones is when people say, “I swear to God I NEVER do this!” when they’re having a one-night stand. OK, #1 of course you have! You are not fooling anyone, especially after saying that and #2 who cares, anyways? You might as well just not care if the other person thinks you’re a total whore and just roll with it. You probably won’t ever see them again after that night and chances are you probably won’t even want to anyways. They picked you up from that bar because they thought you were hot and easy, not because you’re good with kids or had a 3.8 GPA at an Ivy League school.

Now, I’m going to sound hypocritical here but I’ve never actually DONE that. Like, I’ve never had a one night stand before. (This is because of years and year of parochial schooling, which I’ll touch upon during a later post. Don’t think that this means I’m all judgmental and bitchy about those who have.) However, if I ever did, I’d never say that “I’ve never done this” phrase because I’d want to play it off all cool like I’m a badass. I’d want them to assume that I’m an amazing super-slut. That way, they wouldn’t worry about me possibly being clingy after and I wouldn’t worry about seeming like a tight-ass. It’d be win-win.

Also, check out this blog article that talks about one night stands, too. It’s hilarious!

Image courtesy of The Frisky

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Filed under Booze, L-O-V-E

They: WHO are “They”?

Ever since I was a kid, I remember listening to adults say, “Oh, you know what they always say…” followed by some cliche phrase like, “the grass is always greener” or “be careful what you wish for.” At the time, I imagined a conference room somewhere with a group of people in business suits literally sitting down and creating these overused phrases for others to quote.

Years later, I began to realize that “they” are not actual people and just nobody in particular. Yet it’s obvious to assume that “they” had to start somewhere, right? I mean, someone must’ve thought of it, then said it and, of course, the cliche eventually spread. I wonder if one or some of the original “they” phrase people is old, alone and alive somewhere seething with wrath over how he’s not being cited. I know I would be. Maybe that’s why Paris Hilton wanted to copyright the phrase, “That’s hot!” Could you imagine 50 or so years from now people regularly saying, “You know what they always say, that’s hot!” Paris Hilton would be pissed.

Despite not being recognized by the whole of society, I want to start one of those “they” sayings anyways. I want to because someday, maybe I’ll be at a cocktail party or by an office water cooler somewhere when someone repeats my phrase. I’d immediately interject and say, “No ‘they’ never said that. I said it! That was ME!” I’m sure they’d look at me like I was crazy or something, but by that point I’m hoping I’d be famous or of a superior societal importance so I wouldn’t care, really.

Do you have a favorite “they” phrase?

Image courtesy of this random website I found on a google image search.

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