Monthly Archives: November 2011

If You Wear Padded Bras You’re a Liar

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that men probably don’t really like padded bras as much as they think that they do. I know that models from Victoria’s Secret runway shows may tell you otherwise, but to me, wearing a padded bra seems less moral than cheating on an exam. This is because I don’t think it’s fair to put the illusion of something out there when you know that you physically can’t follow through.

Being a C cup girl myself, I guess I don’t get it. I don’t need that extra “reinforcement” because my boobs (breasts? tits? I don’t know) at least won’t disappoint a guy. I mean, even if my boob were wicked disgusting and weird looking, I don’t think most guys would have a problem with them because they’re a reasonable size. However, if I were an A cup, I still would never wear a padded bra because it’s dishonest. Granted, the illusion of big tits will definitely get you somewhere, but explaining how small they actually are just doesn’t seem worth it to me. I mean, if things ever get to “that point” with a guy, he’s most likely going to be disappointed if you’ve been lying the whole time, right? You might as well just lay that shit down right away before it could begin to get complicated. Instead of lying, just embrace your mosquito bites and roll with it.

I know that looks aren’t everything (even though they are) but if you happen attract a “boob” man, he’s going to probably get upset if you ever hook up, even though you might not notice. Instead, you should un-pad your bra and focus on some other physical attribute to rope in a man. (I know some people will say that personality should shine through but they’re just naive) That way, you won’t falsely entrap a “boob man” because of your padded, pushed-up boobs and instead might attract a different sort of man that’s all about something else you have to offer.

Small boobs aren’t a bad thing. In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s in style these days. I know that jogging and playing volleyball would be a lot easier without them and that’s from personal experience. Small-boobed ladies don’t know how good they have it too because they don’t have to worry about sag or wrinkles down the line. Plus, once they have kids they’ll most likely grow bigger, but by that point I’m sure they’ll resolve to letting themselves go anyways so it wouldn’t matter all that much (at least that’s what my plan is).

Anyways, padded bras need to become a thing of the past because as a woman, I don’t think it’s fair for men to be confused. I hope small-breasted women everywhere begin to realize this and embrace the small boobs they have or get a boob job or something.

Image courtesy of this place. To me, it’s an example of an honest, acceptable bra, right?

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Filed under L-O-V-E

“I Don’t Mean to Sound Like a Total Bitch, But…”

I’ll admit it- I’m guilty of saying this a lot and usually do when I’m gossiping with girl friends. However, I think it’s probably the stupidest statement in the world because usually whenever someone says that, they do sound like a total bitch and prefacing what you’re about to say with it doesn’t make you sound nicer or better. If anything, it makes you sound even bitchier because you know that what you’re going to say is super rude and you choose to say it anyways.

Instead, I think people should just embrace how bitchy and abrasive they are and say everything outright. Our society as a whole has become WAY too sensitive about tip-toeing around people’s feelings anyways, so there’s a good chance that no matter what you say, someone will be offended by it.

Falling victim to using the phrase myself, I know what the intention is upon saying it. You want to avoid apologizing for what you’re about to say after you say it. You want to avoid the drama of pissing someone off by giving it to them straight. Yet, to me,  saying it always backfires and it never has the intended effect.

What if everyone could say whatever they wanted after saying that phrase with no consequence? Could you image what political leaders could do? Barack Obama could be having a presidential debate with the Republican nominee (ahem, Mitt Romney) and just shoot up and say, “Ummm, Mitt, I don’t mean to sound like a total bitch but I just don’t trust you because you’re a Mormon.” I’m sure Mitt would be dumbfounded (and hurt).

I could see it being said at the doctor’s office too, for example. After your cholesterol results come in (and by the way, you’re kind of chunky) your doctor enters into the room while you’re sitting on that table-thingie and says, “Ummm I don’t mean to sound like a total bitch but you could afford to lose a few. Go on a diet or something. Cheetos aren’t a vegetable.”

I’m beginning to slowly realize that saying this phrase could actually contribute with society’s need to feel offended by everything. I mean, sometimes when I’ve said it before, I’ve realized my statement isn’t that bitchy after all. However, because I just used that phrase, the person is mildly pissed off anyways. I think this is because upon hearing “I don’t mean to sound like a bitch, but” a lot of people just automatically brace themselves for a grossly offensive statement.

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Filed under Awkward

Legalize it, Man.

I want marijuana to be legal not only because I think it’s awesome, but because every person I’ve ever met in my entire life assumes I’m a raging stoner.

I know I just said marijuana is awesome, but surprisingly enough, I don’t actually smoke (anymore) for personal reasons AKA that shit started making me paranoid.

Going through life having people assume I’m a giant stonebag has awarded me with many friends in the Cheech-and-Chong community and I’m not comfortable with our government trying to legally deny them from something that makes them happy. Think about it: SO MANY people smoke 24/7 and you’d have no idea. Did you just go to Chipotle? I’m sure whoever built your burrito was baked off their ass.“You’re welcome,” says Marijuana.

Aside from the stereotypical stoners (AKA come on now, working at Chipotle pretty much guarantees that you’ve at least TRIED pot), there are many people who smoke on the regular whom you’d never think. I’m taking about psychiatrists, lawyers, financial planners, professional athletes and daycare personnel (just kidding on that last one, that’d be fucked up).

I’m also fairly convinced that many things have been invented and many theories have been created by people while under the influence of Mary Jane. Snuggies, anyone? But also more important things like the theory of gravity. According to science, Sir Isaac Newton thought of this theory while sitting under an apple tree and having one fall on his head. Really? Is that all? Sir Isaac Newton was also taking giant bong rips earlier that day while thinking about time and space. If you don’t agree with me on that, you don’t know anything.

I’m sure that if marijuana stays illegal, my stoner friends will still find ways to get pot because Mexicans will continue to fight to the death in order to drug-mule-traffic that shit into our country (Too soon?). However, innocent, honest citizens will continue to suffer through having to watch annoying (and sorely inaccurate) “Above the Influence” commercials for the extended and indefinite future and THAT, folks, I’m definitely not OK with.

Image courtesy of Chipotle.com. Please don’t get mad at me! 🙂

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Filed under Hallucinogens, History and Science

Drunk Texting

I’m a drunk texter and I hate it. I can’t even tell you how many Saturday and Sunday mornings I’d wake up saying to myself, “Shit, I can’t believe I texted THAT person! What the fuck did I even SAY?” I’d then backtrack through my entire texting history and realize that I also texted 1,843,232 other people I shouldn’t have.

With such experiences, I’ve come to find that deleting my entire texting history just eliminates the desire to mull over my previous night’s indiscretions. I mean at this point, I’ve said enough embarrassing shit via drunken text so how bad could it actually be? They’re probably drunk, I’m drunk- whatever, right?

However, for some reason, I still sometimes become upset over it. I get flashbacks of the shit I say and inwardly cringe. I think the content itself doesn’t really upset me as much as my ability to use perfect grammar and punctuation while being completely and utterly black-out shit-faced. This stemmed from my desire to have the person figure I’m not THAT drunk. Over the years, I’ve slowly become a master of pristine black-out drunk-text spelling and grammar. This skill has now backfired because I’m quite confident that the receivers of my drunken texts now assume that I’m not drunk at all and would, in fact, soberly say the ridiculous bullshit I drunkenly text.

Currently, I feel as though this drunk-text pendulum needs to swing a wee bit back into the illegible, “I-can’t-even-GUESS-at-what-the-fuck-she-was-trying-to-say” zone. Sometimes I realize this and fuck up some letters and add numbers to let them know I’m not sober. I haven’t consistently been able to master this though. Being drunk makes you forget and being a drunk-texter makes you just want to send the stupid text message out already and be done with it.

I know that some people are just going to say, “Well why do you need to send texts in the first place? Get rid of your phone.” That’s not that easy because A.) drunk texting is an addiction and B.) if you’re lost in a dive bar and two of your friends are about to leave without you, you need your cell phone there to make sure you get that phone call.

Image courtesy of this guy

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Filed under Booze

Leggings Are Not Pants and That’s OK

I love leggings and I hate the people who are campaigning against wearing leggings with shirts that don’t cover their butt. I didn’t “forget” to put on my pants or a dress, I fucking put on leggings instead. Nothing’s missing from my outfit at all so shut the hell up.

This is the reason why I love leggings and love wearing them with shirts that don’t completely cover my butt: I hate my thighs and ass. However, whenever I put on a pair of leggings, they suck in the fat there and change the look of my ass and thighs faster and more drastically than Melissa Joan Hart changes outfits in front of a mirror during the opening of Sabrina the Teenage Witch (you’ve seen that show, don’t pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about).

Leggings for me are literally the bottom-half of Spanx without the cheap, shiny material that confirms the look of clothing made to be worn as an undergarment. Who WOULDN’T want to show that off? People (specifically, women) are always talking about showing off your assets, and leggings worn with AND without a dress or long shirt covering them do just that. No yoga pant or skinny jean does that and even if they did, they wouldn’t be able to do it as well as leggings do. Don’t mess with a good thing.

I know what you’re thinking and I’m never going to allow myself to have (visible) camel-toe while wearing them A.) because I don’t pull the crotch up that far and B.) If I did, I’d just wear a longer shirt to cover it up. I’m pretty conscious of that shit.

So the next time you see someone wearing plain black leggings (or just legging in general) with a shirt that doesn’t cover their ass, be OK with that. Don’t get all judgmental and think something’s missing from their outfit because there isn’t. Admit to yourself that they look pretty fucking good. I really want this look to take off and be accepted because it’s literally the only way I can make myself look like I don’t have giant uncontrollable globs of cellulite.

Image courtesy of this place. Buy a pair today, ladies! 

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Filed under Fashion

Smartphones

I’ve never really been interested in making people jealous by having the latest, greatest version of the newest iThing. In fact, I’ve come to find that people who don’t wait for the sale or price drop are rather sad and pathetic and have nothing more exciting or engaging to look forward to in their lives. The 4S came out recently, and I can say with complete confidence that I couldn’t care less about whether or not I have an app that shows dots on a map telling me where people are. If I really cared, I’d just call people and say “Hey, where are you?” and trust that their responses would be genuine.

The first time I got a non-ghetto flip phone was because it was a free upgrade and I asked the phone-kiosk dude for a phone “with the alphabet buttons.” He looked at me like I was a moron and said, “Uhhh, you mean a keypad?” and then I said, “Don’t be a fucking wise-ass.” (Just kidding, I never said that last part).

At first, I loved this shiny, cool new slick red phone (minus a data plan) but now I’m slowly beginning to realize that it sucks and I should just cave in and get a shinier, cooler smartphone. Phones aren’t phones anymore, and I have to at least be in my 40’s to be able to use that whole “All I do is make calls and get calls- isn’t that what phones are made to do anyways?” stupid-joke response. I’m also not in college anymore so I can’t say, “Oh, I’m a poor college student- I don’t have money for a data plan- it goes to my beer and weed fund.”

In addition to the social stigmas about twenty-somethings being obligated to have a smartphone, here are my practical reasons:

  • I can send and receive approximately five text messages before my phone says that the mailbox is full.
  • Autocorrect. I don’t have that. I know autocorrect sucks sometimes and makes embarrassing corrections but for the majority of times, autocorrect makes texting easier and less annoying.
  •  I’m sick of all the scratches on my screen and having a smartphone would make me care enough to buy that clear sticky stuff to put on it.
  • Angry Birds.
  • I want to be able to talk to my phone and say “Call (so-in-so)” instead of scrolling through my entire address book for fifteen minutes and then skipping over the name and having to go back.
  • Smartphones- specifically iPhones- keep your entire texting conversation and shows both parts of it. My phone only has an inbox and outbox so if I get all creepy and want to mull over a text-message exchange with some dude I’m pathetically pining over, it’s all right there and I don’t need to go back and forth from the inbox to the outbox.

So there you have it.

image courtesy of right here

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Filed under Technology

Sexiest Man Alive

Bradley Cooper was just named People’s Sexiest Man Alive and like every prior sexiest man ever, he’s being all shy about it by modestly claiming that he’s not and saying he’s still not comfortable with the whole “heartthrob” title.

This makes me think that everyone in Hollywood either believes we “normal-folk” are stupid enough to assume they don’t have giant egos or are unfamiliar with the general rule that if you’re in movies then you’re attractive. C’mon now. Even the “homely best friend” in romantic comedies is hotter than most of us.

What’s also puzzling about the “Sexiest Man (or woman)” title is that, unless the deemed-sexiest from last year died or somehow drastically altered his appearance, he should still hold the title, right? I mean, Bradley Cooper was alive and looked about the same this time last year, so why wasn’t he “sexiest” then? What did he do over the course of one year to make himself #1? What did #1 from last year do to dethrone himself of that coveted title?

Also, why doesn’t People magazine scour the entire earth for the REAL sexiest man? To me, that’s a bearded Alaskan woodsman who chops entire piles of wood, fist-fights bears and smells of woodchips, not some theatre geek who just happened to get lucky by making it big in Hollywood.

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Filed under Celebrity