This is my open letter to Rihanna:
Dear Rihanna (Or is it Rhianna? Whatever),
I really want to like you. I think it’s cool that you were born in Barbados and have obviously unnatural red frizzy curly hair that works for you and looks really good. I’m from the boring suburbs and red does not go well with my skin tone. This makes me jealous of you but in a friendly, amicable way. I also like your neat tattoos and perfect skin tone. Also, didn’t you just get sexiest woman alive or something? Good for you! I mean it.
Now Rihanna, there are a few things I don’t like about you. The biggest problem I have is is that you yell-sing. Yell-singing is when someone yells and tries to pass it off as singing. You do this in your song, “Only Girl In The World.” It starts out really slow and calm and then BAM you just start YELL-singing and I don’t know what to do with it. We can hear you. I don’t know why you have to start yelling. It seriously feels like you’re yelling AT me and I just can’t think of anything I could say to make it stop.
Fast-forward to the one-minute mark:
Rihanna, sometimes, listening to your music makes me feel anxious aside from your yell-singing. Sometimes the content of your songs upsets me. For example, “Rude Boy.” First of all, you relentlessly say “call me rude boy-boy” multiple times and then ask a number of personal, probing questions in a row. No one has time to answer that quickly. Secondly, your question is very rude and you know it. If I were a man and a woman asked me that, I would be very offended. It would hurt my feelings! I mean, what if he wasn’t up to your standards, RiRi? Would you be prepared to listen to a guy say, “Um, actually Rihanna it’s not that impressive. Don’t waste your time”? Probably a huge awkward letdown.
Now, I have “We Found Love” on constant repeat these days. I’m getting cautiously optimistic that you’ve outgrown this yell-sing habit and have also gotten over your need to ask probing questions indiscreetly. Remember, I want to like you.