Monthly Archives: February 2012

Awkward Search Terms

So, I’m unsure if this is illegal or invading people’s privacy somehow, but I’ve decided to share a list of weird search terms people use to find my blog. You know? What people google to get here. I have a ginormous list of odd, odd search terms that I laugh at daily.

The weird thing about checking out my blog stats is that I actually can’t find many normal search terms that people used to get here. All of them are just bizarre. Like, no one just googles normal shit anymore.

MY #1 SEARCH TERM

The number 1 search term used to generate hits on my blog is “tebow stance” with 61 hits. This doesn’t include these other search terms that made the top ten: “tim tebow stance”, “origin of tebowing”, “history of tebowing”, and “tebowing”. There are a million more further down the list as well.

People love their TEBOW!

The number 2 search term isssssssss:

“Tampon”

Tampon? Seriously, people? Who Googles “tampon”? Why? This doesn’t make sense. I don’t normally write about tampons, either. I guess it’s bizarre I have a tampon post on here “The Tampon and Diaper Aisle at CVS” in the first place, so I’m just as weird as the people that search “tampon” on the internet.

And then here are some runner-ups:

“Kesha drunk” at #3

Annnnnddddd “cat fight sounds” at #4…

With “drunk girl stereotypes” rounding off the top five…

Here are some unexplainable, disturbing search terms (in no particular order):

  • “drunk girl shits herself” (Huh? Why? Gross!)
  • “movie about mouth and butt” (Is this a Human Centipede reference? Do I want to know?)
  • “funny turd pictures”
  • “punishment ritual”
  • “womens in leggings pants fuck”
  • “my husband is creepy”
  • “diaper tampon” (do they exist?!!?)
  • “drunk babysitters”

Here are some funny, random ones:

  • “american horror story drinking game” (I would love to play this! I LOVE THAT SHOW)
  • “melissa joan hart leggings”
  • “rihanna yells not sings” (I shit you not…. someone out there gets me)
  • “is calling someone a turd bad” (I don’t seem to think so!)

The number 1 combination of weird and crazy search term issssssssss:

“girl have 2 pussy”

Yes, this actually exists. I won’t lie, I googled it after this. Yes, I was concerned that my search would reap millions of porn sites, but it was worth investigating.

Apparently there are women out there that have TWO vaginas. NOT ONE but TWO. Uno, dos.

This obviously is a topic for an entire new blog post, but this search term is perplexing to me for two distinct reasons:

  1. How did this search term lead to my site?!!?
  2. HOW DOES SOMEONE HAVE TWO VAGINAS?

I’ll leave you with that to ponder. I’m too busy looking up more information about this on the internet. Oh, and if I mentioned one of your search terms here, comment! Say hello!

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The Ten Things All Drunk Girls Say In Bar Bathrooms

This is what guys think all girls do in bathrooms. (Normal ones don't)

This weekend, I befriended a bar bathroom cleaning lady while I was out boozing in Providence. She was a sweet, little thing, although I’m sure that my loud, drunken presence was more terrifying than friendly to her. Also, I don’t think she knew English very well, but she could’ve just been confused by my slurring.

Anyways, somehow we got to talking about what goes on in the bathrooms at bars. What shit has this lady seen? (Not literally, you’re gross.) Eventually, we got to talking about the typical phrases drunk betchez say that she hears over and over and over again. I since blacked most of them out, which sucks because they were good. I still have some good ones, though, don’t worry.

If you’re a guy and you’ve spent your entire life wondering what girls say and do in restroom packs, lucky you! This list is a clue into what actually goes on in there. You’re welcome, really.

Courtesy of This SITE via random google search

Waiting in line to pee:

  • “I have to pee so bad I’m going to explode!”
  •  “OMG did someone fart? It literally smells like ass right here.”
  • “My feet are KILLING me! I’m gonna take them off. Should I take them off? OK I’m still gonna.”
  • “I’m sweating SO BAD! Can you see my pit sweat? It’s noticeable, isn’t it?”

While peeing in different stalls:

  • “OMG DON’T text him! Do I need to take your phone?”
  • “Are you ok? Are you puking in there?”

While washing hands and getting ready to leave:

  • “OMG! Do you hear that? We gotta get out my songs on!!”
  • “Are you sure I look OK?”
  • “I’m gonna flirt with that guy to make him jealous!”
  • “Am I acting clingy? Should we have a signal for it once I do?”

So, what do you think? Am I spot-on? Are these typical bathroom sayings? I think so. I mean, it all comes straight from the source. My new BFF bathroom attendant agrees with my list one hundred percent. See? I’m getting so good with this whole blogging thing now. I feel like a real journalist.

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I Don’t Trust “Displaced” Sports Fans (And Neither Should You)

I’m from Boston. I’ve lived in New England for my entire life. This means I cheer for the New England Patriots, the Boston Red Sox, the Boston Celtics and the Boston Bruins. It’s in my blood. I’m genetically programmed to do so. I know, I know, we’re obnoxious but we can’t help it. It’s just the way we are- love us or hate us.

Now, some people confuse me. You know, the “displaced” sports fans. The people who don’t cheer for the home team. Football fans from New Hampshire or Massachusetts, even, who cheer for the Dolphins or the Broncos or any teams that are not the New England Patriots. I mean, seriously? (This applies to all sports, obviously)

In some cases, it’s understandable. I’ll let it slide. You just moved up here two months ago. Tim Tebow’s your brother or something. Fine. Yet, some excuses are lame and I judge people on it.

For example, the “sports fans” who cheer for a team because “Oh, I went to college there!” or “Well, my dad’s a huge fan!” or they were “really really good when I started watching football as a kid.”

No. You can’t do that. It’s not fair. It’s not right.

Look, I know that people move around the country. They miss “home” and cheering for their team helps that. I get it. Yet, if you’re like a third generation Broncos fan living in New England, I’m going to judge you. I don’t trust you. You’re not “one of us.”

Let’s apply this same logic to countries. Say you know someone who emigrates from France to the US. They’re your next door neighbor or something. Twenty years into their new life in America, a fierce, raging war breaks out between France and the US. Who should they and their kids support? The US, right? I mean, they LIVE here. They have their LIFE here. This is their country! It’s their duty! (Please note: I’d apply this same logic to someone who emigrates to France from the US as well.)

Sometimes, “displaced” sports fans try to “fit in” a little bit more by supporting some local teams and not others. This actually makes things worse. An example of this is a Giants fan I know who cheers for the Sox. Um, excuse me? You gotta be all in or all out, buddy. Not to mention the fact that there’s a raging arch-rivalry between New York and Boston. You can’t do that.

Not everyone needs to love Boston/New England (I know we’ve got a lot of haters) but I think anyone can agree with this. If I move to Pittsburg tomorrow and raise a family there, my kids will be Steelers fans, as they should be. What do you think? Are you a “displaced” sports fan? Do you hate people who don’t cheer for your local team?

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