This weekend, I befriended a bar bathroom cleaning lady while I was out boozing in Providence. She was a sweet, little thing, although I’m sure that my loud, drunken presence was more terrifying than friendly to her. Also, I don’t think she knew English very well, but she could’ve just been confused by my slurring.
Anyways, somehow we got to talking about what goes on in the bathrooms at bars. What shit has this lady seen? (Not literally, you’re gross.) Eventually, we got to talking about the typical phrases drunk betchez say that she hears over and over and over again. I since blacked most of them out, which sucks because they were good. I still have some good ones, though, don’t worry.
If you’re a guy and you’ve spent your entire life wondering what girls say and do in restroom packs, lucky you! This list is a clue into what actually goes on in there. You’re welcome, really.
Waiting in line to pee:
- “I have to pee so bad I’m going to explode!”
- “OMG did someone fart? It literally smells like ass right here.”
- “My feet are KILLING me! I’m gonna take them off. Should I take them off? OK I’m still gonna.”
- “I’m sweating SO BAD! Can you see my pit sweat? It’s noticeable, isn’t it?”
While peeing in different stalls:
- “OMG DON’T text him! Do I need to take your phone?”
- “Are you ok? Are you puking in there?”
While washing hands and getting ready to leave:
- “OMG! Do you hear that? We gotta get out my songs on!!”
- “Are you sure I look OK?”
- “I’m gonna flirt with that guy to make him jealous!”
- “Am I acting clingy? Should we have a signal for it once I do?”
So, what do you think? Am I spot-on? Are these typical bathroom sayings? I think so. I mean, it all comes straight from the source. My new BFF bathroom attendant agrees with my list one hundred percent. See? I’m getting so good with this whole blogging thing now. I feel like a real journalist.