Ok, I’m a genius and about to make millions on it. I figured out the formula for a 2012 platinum rap song. It wasn’t easy, but once I cash in on this shit I can finally afford to buy my own island.
My song is in the works so I feel comfortable sharing my findings with you. Down below I’ve written a list- a list of five things you need to have in a rap song to make you a star. Times are a-changin’ so use my advice wisely because it might not be the same come 2013.
1. Tell everyone who you are. In the beginning of your song, you need to identify yourself. You must not use a common name and you will probably sound a lot cooler if you can find someone else to say your name for you.
2. Name obscure places. I want you to do me a favor. Grab an atlas, blindfold yourself and point randomly. Do that five more times. Point to cities, continents, oceans, countries, etc. No one will care. You need to name these places in your rap song so people assume you’ve been there and did something off the wall. That way, everyone will think you’re cooler and only cool people sell records (besides Nickelback, that shit came from way out in left field).
3. You have to talk about how much you drink. If you want people to like you, you have to drink. No one should trust a person who can’t have at least one drink. But, since you’re a rap star, you need to drink more than everyone else and you have to talk about it. Oh, and if it’s not Patron, go home, you’re useless.
4. Demand that people start dancing. Your rap song needs to get even the whitest of the white guys to want to break it down. No, you’re not going to politely tell people to get on up to that dance floor. You need to demand this from them. Get repetitive.
5. Describe a hot chick that you have had sex with or one that you are confident you will have sex with in the near future (ie tonight or something). This is crucial. If you can’t get laid, then you’re not a rap star and no rap star says no to the idea of telling everyone about it. T-Pain revolutionized this with his smash hit “Apple Bottom Jeans.” I get it- maybe you feel a bit uncomfortable with this. Don’t worry. Just call her “sexy,” or “baby,” and make sure everyone knows that it’s a casual thing. Can’t think of someone? Make her up. No one will know the difference. I promise.
A “bonus” I’m adding here is that you must mention how much money you have by bragging about what you can afford. Since you’re not a rap star yet, you probably have tens and twennies in your wallet, not fiddies n hunnidz. I get it. Maybe you’ve come from nothing. That’s fine. Now is the time to mention jail if you’ve been there. Usually the best rap stars talk about jail first and then mention their money later, once they’ve made it all fast.