Category Archives: Awkward

What to Say Back to Common Douchey Backhanded Compliments

Don’t you hate it when someone shits on your life but masks it by pretending they’re actually saying something nice? Yeah, me too.

I’ve decided to compile a list of common backhanded compliments, followed by some of my favorite witty asshole responses I plan on using for the rest of my life or until I think of something even shittier to say.

Oh and by the way, these “compliments” were actually said to me before. Which sucks, because at the time I didn’t think quickly enough to insult them back, so I wish I could have a do-over.

 

“You’re so cute, why are you single?”
My answer: Cuz I’m psycho, obviously. Thanks.
How is this offensive? This one pisses me off because what makes you think I don’t LOVE being single? Like I’m the kind of person who likes to deal with feelings and compromise? Right.

HAHHAHA

 

“I love your dress. It looks so comfy!”
My answer: Oh yeah, OK, I get what you’re doing here. I half-assed my appearance today because I’ve been fighting back this Jack I’ve been meaning to puke out all morning. Zero fucks given. Thanks for pointing that out.
How is this offensive? “Comfy”= homely, you bitch.

why

 

“You have such a prominent nose, are you Jewish?”
My answer: Are you being racist on purpose or are you just ignorant?
How is this offensive? The blatant stereotyping, maybe? Oh, and when I said I wasn’t, she went on to ask me if I was ROMAN. Like, really?

hahaha

 

“You’re so skinny but your ass will, like, always be huge.”
My answer: Just…. fuck you.
How is this offensive? HOW IS THIS NOT OFFENSIVE? Never talk to a woman about her ass.

hahaha

 

“This shirt’s too big on me. I thought you’d want it.”
My answer: Thanks! Cuz, you know, I don’t like the sausage-arm look like you do. I’m sure it’ll be loose on me… just how I like it.
How is this offensive? I get it… you think you’re skinnier than me and want me to know it… get over yourself.

kesh

 

“Law school suits you. You needed something to motivate you.”
My answer: Yeah, I decided to spend $35K a year to force myself to stop getting so drunk and smoking so much pot. It hasn’t worked, but at least I can mask my hot mess-ness at family holidays and cocktail parties by saying I’m striving towards a law degree.
How is this offensive? I love it when people see my tagged photos on Facebook and assume I’m perma-bombed. YA’LL DON’T KNOW ME. Work hard, play hard.

hahaha

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The “Look”

As a young 20-something female from the burbs who recently moved to a more “urban” area, I’ve adopted a defense mechanism to save me from disgusting, embarrassing and/or uncomfortable situations. I call it the “look.” The “look” is a face I make for approximately 5-7 seconds: head slightly down, eyes peering at you from the right, brows raised, lips closed but not pursed. It says everything and nothing all at once. It says “Why the fuck are you standing in the doorway? They’re trying to close the doors to the damn subway so we can peace the fuck out.” it says “Why the fuck are you clipping your fingernails here? You’re disgusting.” and it even says, “Stop staring at me like I’m a fucking plate of lasagna. Try to be a bit more subtle, creep.”

I’ve perfected the “look.” I’m serious. I mean, I don’t mean to brag but people see it and they GET me. I know this because one woman put her nail clippers away pretty much ON CUE. I felt powerful.

Now, there are some situations when this “look” is not enough. I need a Plan B. I NEED A BACKUP PLAN, PEOPLE. Sometimes the “look” simply will not do.

For example, a few weekends ago I was in some trashy skank club/bar/wait-is-this-a-high-school-dance? in Manchester. We were all swaying our butts and doing that white girl thing. Two of my girfrans had some dudes come up behind them and they started junk-swaying together. I hate that shit and will have none of it, so naturally I began to panic because junk-swayers usually attack groups and I was the only victim left. Lo-and-behold, I got attacked. I moved away. My attacker didn’t relent. Then, I shot him the “look.” HE DIDN’T LISTEN. He continued his attack. Then, I turned around and shot the “look” for, like, twenty fucking seconds. He said to me, “You want to dance?” and I said “NO!”

HELLO? Did you NOT understand the “look”? DID IT NOT SPEAK TO YOU? I’m confident that the fact that he was foreign might have skewed the translation, but I’m still pretty shattered by this.
Do you have a “look”? Does it work? DO YOU HAVE A BACKUP PLAN TO YOUR “LOOK”?
Tell me!

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Awkward Search Terms

So, I’m unsure if this is illegal or invading people’s privacy somehow, but I’ve decided to share a list of weird search terms people use to find my blog. You know? What people google to get here. I have a ginormous list of odd, odd search terms that I laugh at daily.

The weird thing about checking out my blog stats is that I actually can’t find many normal search terms that people used to get here. All of them are just bizarre. Like, no one just googles normal shit anymore.

MY #1 SEARCH TERM

The number 1 search term used to generate hits on my blog is “tebow stance” with 61 hits. This doesn’t include these other search terms that made the top ten: “tim tebow stance”, “origin of tebowing”, “history of tebowing”, and “tebowing”. There are a million more further down the list as well.

People love their TEBOW!

The number 2 search term isssssssss:

“Tampon”

Tampon? Seriously, people? Who Googles “tampon”? Why? This doesn’t make sense. I don’t normally write about tampons, either. I guess it’s bizarre I have a tampon post on here “The Tampon and Diaper Aisle at CVS” in the first place, so I’m just as weird as the people that search “tampon” on the internet.

And then here are some runner-ups:

“Kesha drunk” at #3

Annnnnddddd “cat fight sounds” at #4…

With “drunk girl stereotypes” rounding off the top five…

Here are some unexplainable, disturbing search terms (in no particular order):

  • “drunk girl shits herself” (Huh? Why? Gross!)
  • “movie about mouth and butt” (Is this a Human Centipede reference? Do I want to know?)
  • “funny turd pictures”
  • “punishment ritual”
  • “womens in leggings pants fuck”
  • “my husband is creepy”
  • “diaper tampon” (do they exist?!!?)
  • “drunk babysitters”

Here are some funny, random ones:

  • “american horror story drinking game” (I would love to play this! I LOVE THAT SHOW)
  • “melissa joan hart leggings”
  • “rihanna yells not sings” (I shit you not…. someone out there gets me)
  • “is calling someone a turd bad” (I don’t seem to think so!)

The number 1 combination of weird and crazy search term issssssssss:

“girl have 2 pussy”

Yes, this actually exists. I won’t lie, I googled it after this. Yes, I was concerned that my search would reap millions of porn sites, but it was worth investigating.

Apparently there are women out there that have TWO vaginas. NOT ONE but TWO. Uno, dos.

This obviously is a topic for an entire new blog post, but this search term is perplexing to me for two distinct reasons:

  1. How did this search term lead to my site?!!?
  2. HOW DOES SOMEONE HAVE TWO VAGINAS?

I’ll leave you with that to ponder. I’m too busy looking up more information about this on the internet. Oh, and if I mentioned one of your search terms here, comment! Say hello!

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The Sex Talk

Today I started thinking about The Sex Talk and how I never really had one. I mean, I vaguely remember middle school sex ed and coming home and telling my mom things (why, I don’t know), but I never had a sit-down talk with my parents over condoms or birth control or the pull-and-pray method or abstinence and that crap.

I’m split between feeling very gypped while also feeling very relieved. I mean, it’s a rite of passage. I should have experienced it, ya know? But, at the same time, it would absolutely be the most tense, awkward conversation I’d ever have, so I’m just very glad it never existed.

There are two times in my life when my parents approached me with the topic of sex but not in that awkward birds-and-the-bees type way. It was much more subtle. The first time was when I was a senior in high school. I was a few months away from moving to college and my parents were driving together in the front seat while I was in the back. They were going to drop me off at a friend’s house.

“You’re not having sex with these boys, are you?” My Mom says as she turns around from to look at me from the front seat. Now, this sucks in particular because I’m trapped inside of the car so I’m forced to acknowledge the question.

“Mom, is this The Sex Talk? Don’t you think we should have had this discussion like 5 years ago?” I quip back to deflect the question.

My Dad laughs.

“Just answer the question!” She doesn’t take the bait.

“Mom, we’re not even going to meet up with guys tonight,” (lie) “And no, I’m not.” (truth).

Silence for the rest of the car ride.

The next time my pseudo-sex talk comes is months later. Now, I’m home from a short break from college, pining over some dumb guy and I can’t stop thinking about him. I decide to go to my Dad for advice over this because, who knows young fickle boys better than someone who once was one? Plus, I could tell that my friends were getting annoyed with me so I had to begin using other resources.

I take a good twenty minutes to explain how cool he is and how much I dig him and another twenty minutes explaining what I thought was between us. “He totally told me he’d call me but then he texted me. What does that mean? I mean, he still wanted to talk so that’s good, right?” You get the idea.

My Dad  stays silent the entire time until I say, “So what should I do?”

He takes a breath, thinks for a second and then says, “Daisy, guys at your age just want to spread their seed. They’re not looking for a nice girl, they just want to sow their wild oats. That’s all.”

I think that’s the best answer anyone could have ever given me.

So those two times are what I had instead of The Sex Talk. What about yours? How did you/will you approach this topic with your kids?

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“Grinding” = The Worst Invention Ever

One of the worst, pit-in-your-stomach type of moments for me is when I’m out dancing with the girlfranz and some dude comes up behind me and starts to “grind” with me. It’s very bothersome not only because I don’t know what this guy looks like or who he even is, but also because nothing makes me feel like more of a skank than a guy thinking it’s OK to swish his dick up against my ass.

I just want to turn around and say, “Hey! Can’t you introduce yourself to me first? Shouldn’t you ask me for permission? Why are you dancing like you’re blocking for basketball?”

I’ve never said any of those things. Usually, I feel bad and “grind” for a solid 2.5-3 minutes until I “have to go to the bathroom” or “have to find my friend who’s missing.”

I want to meet the person who invented grinding and then ask them why. Why did you come up with this idea? Why are you doing this to me? What is so bad about normal dancing? I mean, not only is grinding not attractive by any means and under all circumstances (aside from Nelly’s “Hot in Herre” music video), but it’s also very invasive. You’re literally pushing your junk into someone’s butt and then swaying back and forth. In a public setting!

Nothing is more awkward to me than trying to escape a grind-attack from behind. I’m sure some people will think I’m a tight-ass or a grandma here. Does anyone agree with me? What are some of your grind-avoiding techniques?

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The Tampon and Diaper Aisle at CVS

You know what really GRINDS my gears? The organization of the aisles at CVS. Specifically, the tampon aisle.

Ok, I have a sort of strange tradition/ punishment ritual where every month, I buy tampons at CVS alone and in the scrubbiest, nastiest sweatpants imaginable. My goal is to look like shit because I feel like shit and I’m buying tampons.

So, as I’m scanning the aisle looking for the biggest pack of the most generic tampon brand, it always takes me a good five seconds to realize how I’m in the fuckin diaper aisle. Like, the tampons I’m eyeing are suspiciously across the way from the adult diapers.

I feel very fortunate that I do not have issues that require wearing a diaper, and I honestly hope that people who do are not offended by this post. Yet, I know myself well enough to know that I am uncomfortable with this shit in public. I cannot deal with people believing I could possibly be buying tampons, let alone fucking full-sized adult diapers.

I know that the majority of people don’t care and aren’t looking, but I’m one of the few people that DO look at people’s purchases and judge them on it.

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They: WHO are “They”?

Ever since I was a kid, I remember listening to adults say, “Oh, you know what they always say…” followed by some cliche phrase like, “the grass is always greener” or “be careful what you wish for.” At the time, I imagined a conference room somewhere with a group of people in business suits literally sitting down and creating these overused phrases for others to quote.

Years later, I began to realize that “they” are not actual people and just nobody in particular. Yet it’s obvious to assume that “they” had to start somewhere, right? I mean, someone must’ve thought of it, then said it and, of course, the cliche eventually spread. I wonder if one or some of the original “they” phrase people is old, alone and alive somewhere seething with wrath over how he’s not being cited. I know I would be. Maybe that’s why Paris Hilton wanted to copyright the phrase, “That’s hot!” Could you imagine 50 or so years from now people regularly saying, “You know what they always say, that’s hot!” Paris Hilton would be pissed.

Despite not being recognized by the whole of society, I want to start one of those “they” sayings anyways. I want to because someday, maybe I’ll be at a cocktail party or by an office water cooler somewhere when someone repeats my phrase. I’d immediately interject and say, “No ‘they’ never said that. I said it! That was ME!” I’m sure they’d look at me like I was crazy or something, but by that point I’m hoping I’d be famous or of a superior societal importance so I wouldn’t care, really.

Do you have a favorite “they” phrase?

Image courtesy of this random website I found on a google image search.

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