Don’t you hate it when someone shits on your life but masks it by pretending they’re actually saying something nice? Yeah, me too.
I’ve decided to compile a list of common backhanded compliments, followed by some of my favorite witty asshole responses I plan on using for the rest of my life or until I think of something even shittier to say.
Oh and by the way, these “compliments” were actually said to me before. Which sucks, because at the time I didn’t think quickly enough to insult them back, so I wish I could have a do-over.
“You’re so cute, why are you single?”
My answer: Cuz I’m psycho, obviously. Thanks.
How is this offensive? This one pisses me off because what makes you think I don’t LOVE being single? Like I’m the kind of person who likes to deal with feelings and compromise? Right.
“I love your dress. It looks so comfy!”
My answer: Oh yeah, OK, I get what you’re doing here. I half-assed my appearance today because I’ve been fighting back this Jack I’ve been meaning to puke out all morning. Zero fucks given. Thanks for pointing that out.
How is this offensive? “Comfy”= homely, you bitch.
“You have such a prominent nose, are you Jewish?”
My answer: Are you being racist on purpose or are you just ignorant?
How is this offensive? The blatant stereotyping, maybe? Oh, and when I said I wasn’t, she went on to ask me if I was ROMAN. Like, really?
“You’re so skinny but your ass will, like, always be huge.”
My answer: Just…. fuck you.
How is this offensive? HOW IS THIS NOT OFFENSIVE? Never talk to a woman about her ass.
“This shirt’s too big on me. I thought you’d want it.”
My answer: Thanks! Cuz, you know, I don’t like the sausage-arm look like you do. I’m sure it’ll be loose on me… just how I like it.
How is this offensive? I get it… you think you’re skinnier than me and want me to know it… get over yourself.
“Law school suits you. You needed something to motivate you.”
My answer: Yeah, I decided to spend $35K a year to force myself to stop getting so drunk and smoking so much pot. It hasn’t worked, but at least I can mask my hot mess-ness at family holidays and cocktail parties by saying I’m striving towards a law degree.
How is this offensive? I love it when people see my tagged photos on Facebook and assume I’m perma-bombed. YA’LL DON’T KNOW ME. Work hard, play hard.