Category Archives: Booze

Blame it on the ah-ah-ah-alllcohooool

J-Man = Jack Daniels

So, one day, I decided to go to a psychic. I think I was feeling crazy about dumb shit going on in my life, whatever, I’d do it again.

I remember the psychic sucked and clearly was pulling shit out of her ass, but she told me that I would meet a man who’s name begins with a “J” and he will be my soul mate and we will ride happily off into the sunset like a magical prince and princess team. She told me two other specific things: I haven’t met him before and we’d meet at a holiday party.

Screen shot 2013-06-05 at 11.16.23 PM

Whatever, lady.

I was fascinated by this, despite the fact that there are like a BAJILLION “J” names, right? Jason, Justin, John, Jacob, Jafar, Jesus, Jose… etc. Does she think I’m completely desperate? Whatever, this game is fun.

So I’m not sorry to admit that I kind of fell for it. The holidays were only a month or so away, so I wanted to test this thing out. I was intrigued. My friends and I pegged him “J-Man” and we started acting really creepy over the possibilities.

Possible J- Man #1: Jacob
Does his name begin with a J? Yes
Had I met him before? No
Were we at a holiday party? No
This guy looked somewhat promising. Some friends and I were vacationing in VT for a long weekend. This guy was a friend of a friend I never met before. He wore flannel. He had a scruff beard. I was about to see him as a possibility, until some desperate biddy got all up in his chain and started hitting on him. I think her name was Amanda and she did the flirt-girl laugh. Not J-man. Or, maybe he was her J-man for the night.

hahahaha

Possible J-Man #2: John
Does his name begin with a J? Yes
Had I met him before? No
Were we at a holiday party? No
Another friend of a friend. Bitched to him about another guy. What’s wrong with me?

Possible J-Man #3: Sean
Does his name begin with a J? No
Had I met him before? Yes
Were we at a holiday party? No
This guy was a former co-worker and his name did NOT start with a J. OBVIOUSLY a no-go. Got the friend vibe. Whatever, this story’s boring.

muahhaha

Possible J-Man #4: Mike
Does his name begin with a J? No
Had I met him before? Briefly one time
Were we at a holiday party? YES
Mike and I were at an ugly sweater party. I was rockin’ the Bill Cosby, Mike was rockin’ the Snowman sweater vest. I made a joke about how he was wearing a turtleneck. He told me he liked turtlenecks. I think turtlenecks are emasculating. I prefer men that wear shirts showing chest hair.

Screen shot 2013-06-05 at 11.21.10 PM

Actual J-Man: Jack Daniels
Does his name begin with a J? Yes
Had I met him before? Many times
Were we at a holiday party? Are birthdays considered holidays?
One night, right around the most stressful time in a law student’s life (finals), I went into total drunk betch phase at someone else’s birthday celebration because I suck and I’m an attention whore. I was texting all the boiz. I was buying tequila shots. I was reaching over the counter of the bar to steal those giant olives because I was drunkgry. I was yelling and bitching and being a total obnoxious mess.

It was because of J-Man, you know, Jack Daniels. Have you met him? He’s a creepy little fuck. You start your night with ONE Jackie and ginge and before you know it you’re telling the cab driver you’re going to puke and then you bring a bowl to bed so you can puke all over yourself ALL DAY until your ONLY ONE TRUE FRIEND brings you McDonalds and forces you to keep your food down.

After that brief fling with Jackie D, I called it quits with him for a long while. I ignored his seething glare in the liquor store.  I walked right by when I saw him, half-opened, by my liquor cabinet. We were on a break.

We’re on better terms now, but I still get that puke-mouth taste whenever I sip down some Jackie D.

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The Ten Things All Drunk Girls Say In Bar Bathrooms

This is what guys think all girls do in bathrooms. (Normal ones don't)

This weekend, I befriended a bar bathroom cleaning lady while I was out boozing in Providence. She was a sweet, little thing, although I’m sure that my loud, drunken presence was more terrifying than friendly to her. Also, I don’t think she knew English very well, but she could’ve just been confused by my slurring.

Anyways, somehow we got to talking about what goes on in the bathrooms at bars. What shit has this lady seen? (Not literally, you’re gross.) Eventually, we got to talking about the typical phrases drunk betchez say that she hears over and over and over again. I since blacked most of them out, which sucks because they were good. I still have some good ones, though, don’t worry.

If you’re a guy and you’ve spent your entire life wondering what girls say and do in restroom packs, lucky you! This list is a clue into what actually goes on in there. You’re welcome, really.

Courtesy of This SITE via random google search

Waiting in line to pee:

  • “I have to pee so bad I’m going to explode!”
  •  “OMG did someone fart? It literally smells like ass right here.”
  • “My feet are KILLING me! I’m gonna take them off. Should I take them off? OK I’m still gonna.”
  • “I’m sweating SO BAD! Can you see my pit sweat? It’s noticeable, isn’t it?”

While peeing in different stalls:

  • “OMG DON’T text him! Do I need to take your phone?”
  • “Are you ok? Are you puking in there?”

While washing hands and getting ready to leave:

  • “OMG! Do you hear that? We gotta get out my songs on!!”
  • “Are you sure I look OK?”
  • “I’m gonna flirt with that guy to make him jealous!”
  • “Am I acting clingy? Should we have a signal for it once I do?”

So, what do you think? Am I spot-on? Are these typical bathroom sayings? I think so. I mean, it all comes straight from the source. My new BFF bathroom attendant agrees with my list one hundred percent. See? I’m getting so good with this whole blogging thing now. I feel like a real journalist.

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New Years Hangover Cure: You’re Welcome, Everybody

I’ve seen a couple articles here and there about the best cure for the New Years hangover and they’re all wrong. Considering the fact that I’m hungover for a decent number of Saturdays and Sundays throughout the year, I’ve taken it upon myself to share my own hangover secrets in time for the biggest drinking night of the year.

Take notes and have a Happy New Year!

THE GOLDEN RULE: If you know you’ve been a shitshow and you’re still going strong the night before, DRINK WATER. Just guzzle down a glass or two. A hangover is basically super-dehydration, so the #1 cure is to (surprise, surprise!) hydrate yourself. This might sound like a no-brainer to some people but I’ve found that a drunk person’s ego can get in the way of this. Whatever, do what you want, but don’t bitch to me the next day when you’re crying and puking.

When waking up, you must do the same thing. Drink water. Even if it makes you nauseous, even if it makes you puke water. Drink water.

If you’re having you’re own giant sleep-puke fest (we’ve all been there), try and eat some saltines or something. Even if it feels gross to do this, DO IT. Get something in your stomach and then go back to sleep. Studies have been done on this stuff- sleeping while drunk isn’t as effective as sober slumber, so sleeping more will make that headache go away.

Take a shower. Showering not only hydrates you, but also clears away the icky clammy puke-sweat off your bod. (In case you were wondering, yes, I’m single.)

Now, there’s going to be a point in the day when the clouds clear and it seems as though life is getting back to normal again. Don’t believe this lie, it’s a trick. You will get sick again if you do something stupid like, say, down some shots of vod with your roommates (Been there, done that). YOU ARE NOT INVINCIBLE! You must get some greasy food in your system because #1 you’re starving and #2 McDoubles taste fantastic when you’re hungover. FACT.

And there ya have it! Don’t buy into the other stupid theories like drinking coffee or keep drinking booze- doing that only dehydrates you more. The best hangover cure, of course,  is to just not drinking enough to get hungover in the first place but what’s the fun in doing that?

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The Ten Different Types of Frat Guys

My earlier Bro-night post made me start to think about the Bro’s preppier cousin, The Frat Guy. Like Bros, every girl needs to experience a Frat Guy night, despite their striking similarities. Lucky for you, I’m here to help define The Frat Guy while I teach the difference between these two closely related man-types. I’ll also outline the ten different types of Frat Guys too, in case you, like me, enjoy catergorizing people.

Now, most importantly I must make it clear that that every Frat Guy is a Bro, but not every Bro is a Frat Guy. This is because every Frat Guy needs to have Bro qualities in order to be considered a Frat Guy, but not all Bros are in frats. Does that make sense? It will. Oh, and if you’re a Frat Guy and believe that you do not fit into one of these different types, then you are either in denial or you simply do n0t exist. Here goes:

The Party Guy

  1. The One Who Joined Because Of Dad- He’s pretty serious about the legacy of this frat and enjoys doing all the stuff the other frat guys just tolerate, like volunteering, fundraising and networking. His mom comes to visit every two weeks or so to bring fresh laundered clothes. All of his extra-curriculars will look great on a law school application, and there’s a 90 percent chance that his name ends with a “II”, “III” or “IV.”
  2.  The Party Guy-  John Blutarsky from Animal House. If you don’t understand, you’ve never seen that movie. If you’ve never seen that movie, you should. It’s a classic.
  3. The Kind-of Gay One– This guy is way serious about brotherhood and everyone kind of suspects he’s gay but would ever actually say anything. He takes the bromance jokes too far by saying stuff like, “Bro, let’s spoon tonight if we don’t score some hot chicks,” or “Wouldn’t it be funny if we got drunk and had a threesome one time?”
  4. The Sensitive One Who Brings All the Girls in but Can Never Seal the Deal- I think this name pretty much explains itself, however, I must add that he loves to play guitar and wears beanie hats.
  5. The Druggie- He’s scoring drugs, mostly E or weed, and you can never tell if he’s high or not. (He usually is.)
  6. Everyone’s Best Friend- He’s been elected social chair and does all the networking for parties. He’s very similar to The Party Guy, the difference being his charm and an overall more wholesome demeanor.
  7. The Hot One With The Sorority Girlfriend- Goddamn it. They met at freshman orientation or in high school or something and are still going strong. They’ll never break up and if they do, cursed is the bitch who does it.
    Won’t their kids be so cute?
  8. The Manwhore- It’s every Frat Guy’s goal to bang lots of chicks, but this one is better at it than everyone because he’s a smooth-talker and has abs that Greek statues dream about. He plows through biddies faster than The Party Guy can win a boat race, despite having a reputation that extends across the free world.
  9. The Athlete– AKA dumb jock.
  10. The Foreigner– This guy is from Europe or something and uses his accent to score chicks. It usually works. Hell, I’d fall for it.

A quality that every single Frat Guy must have is the “love” or “feigned love” of drinking. This is very important, and it is also what makes every Frat Guy a Bro. Frat Guys and Bros like to drink more than you do. Even if they don’t, they pretend to and have at least two or three exaggerated stories as their go-to’s in case they think you don’t believe them.

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“Bro” Encounters of the “Broseph” Kind

Every girl should have at least one obnoxious “Bro” night and this past Friday I got mine over with. My BFF and I went out in Boston, which happens to be Bro-capital of not only the United States but the entire universe. I know that different regions of the universe have different definitions of what “Bros” are, but mine is the only right one because it matches the best-voted definition on Urban Dictionary:

I crossed out the word “rugby” because it’s the best sport ever. “Bros” would never have big enough balls to be ruggers. FACT.

Boston is “Bro” -nation not only because of the rich-kid college scene but because of its proximity to Fenway Park, Cape Cod, Nantucket and Newport, Rhode Island, which are the only “red” areas in the predominantly “blue” state of Massachusetts. (I know Rhode Island is its own state, but sometimes it doesn’t feel that way.)

Anyways, I’ll get back on track.  My friend and I were dancing when Brian Littrell’s doppleganger started to white-guy dance with us. I noticed some solid “Bro” indicators immediately: classic good looks, a pastel buttoned-down Oxford, a pair of aviator sunglasses (Hello? It’s December!) and the inability to fake sobriety.

Now, despite living in Brosephotamia, I don’t dig “Bros.” I find them updatable and I respect my Dad too much to ever bring one home to meet him. My friend, however, was in heaven. Brian Littrell seemed to dig her too, so I knew it was only a matter of time before I had to play wingman and  flirt with one of his “Bros” because I’m a good friend.

I met Jason Segal, Marty McFly and Matt Damon. I mean, I didn’t actually meet them, but those are the celebrities his friends most closely resembled and I want to give a visual here. I kind of started hitting it off with Marty McFly. Now, I want to make it clear that I nicknamed him Marty McFly not only because he has the same haircut, but because he was wearing one of those bubble jackets resembling Marty McFly’s orange vest. This is another “Bro” indicator. 

Hey Biff, get a load of this guy's life preserver. Dork thinks he's gonna drown.

We chatted and old-people danced for a while. He bought me a drink, which was surprisingly un-Bro-like. I mean, aren’t “Bros” spoiled rich boys who expected to be waited on? Maybe I was wrong my whole life. Seemed gentlemanly.

This image was shattered once Marty McFly started to get all roid-rage on some nice hippie I was making polite conversation with. I guess I’m his property now.

Anyways, the night progressed and we decided to go back to their apartment. I agreed to do so for journalistic purposed only. I’ll admit- I was kind of intrigued. It was like watching the National Geographic channel.

Since I was drunk and I’m mean when I’m drunk, I decided to tell these “Bros” they’re “Bros.” Funny thing about “Bros” is that it’s OK for them to call each other it, but once they get called out, they get defensive and sort of hate you. They kept asking me why they were “Bros” and despite being intoxicated and bitchy, I didn’t have the heart to tell them. Instead, I’ll tell all of you here and hope they never read it:

  1. Everything in bold mentioned above.
  2. They had cardboard sides of Busch Light thirties taped on the kitchen wall.
  3. They yelled and high fived more than anyone should.
  4. They bragged about banging chicks. (All guys do this, but “Bros” are extra douchey because they brag about taking a woman to classy dinner for the sole purpose of “getting it in” and then ignoring her calls after. This was an actual conversation they had with me in the room. WTF?!?)
  5. They got into arguments with each other rather quickly and then got over it by “hugging it out.”
  6. They all owned and wore those trucker hats that Ashton Kutcher made famous.
  7. They listen to house music but also like classic rock more than you do.
  8. There’s always at least one fight to assert their “Bro” alpha-male status.

Right, about that fight part. Well, since no “Bro” ever ends a night without some sort of conflict, Brian Littrell decided to start screaming obscenities at Matt Damon, puff out his chest and head-butt him. Blood was everywhere. Needless to say, my friend and I decided to dip out at that point, ending my first and (hopefully) last “Bro” encounter.

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Horror Story Drinking Games?

So this past weekend I played a drinking game called Edward Fortyhands. I’m sure everyone’s heard of it- it’s pretty standard in college campuses throughout the good ol’ US of A. Basically, you attach a forty to each hand with duct tape. The winner is the first who finishes both forties without dying, puking or shitting themselves. Cool, huh?

I wanted to go balls-to-the-wall with my drinking so I decided to change Edward Fortyhands to Human Centipede. Thats right- attaching people to each other by way of a duct-taped forty. There were about seven people attached on a huge line of connected forties. (Please note: we were not attached mouth to butt like in the actual movie, but attached by our hands. I’m not that fucked up.)

I know that this means I would technically be drinking less than Edward Fortyhands, but the sheer ridiculousness of the Human Centipede appealed to me. Plus, I cannot finish two forties on my own without dying, puking or shitting myself.

OK, so in this bout of binge-drinking creative genius, I began to think of other horror movies I could make into drinking games. The Ring? Psycho? Alien? What else? Pans Labrynth? (weirdest movie ever!)

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The 5 Different Drunk Girl Stereotypes- WHICH ONE ARE YOU?

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how my guy friends treat me like I’m a dude. If they ever bitch about typical girl behavior, I passionately disagree and say, “OMG who does that?!? I’d never do that! That’s psycho!” and then one of them would say back, “Yah but you’re not like other girls. You don’t count, you’re like a dude.”

I feel flattered by these statements because I don’t consider myself to be very dude-ly, so I must hide the girl-crazy well. I mean, I get obsessive and stage-five  like the next girl, but with my guy friends I must seem pretty laid back and un-crazy. Maybe I dump all of that onto my girlfriends.

I think the craziest of crazy comes out when girls get sloshed. That’s because the portal to absolute-crazy-upon-all-crazy opens when inhibitions are down and emotions run high. I’m surprised my guy friends don’t see this about me, considering I get drunk with them regularly.

Here, I’ve enlisted the help of Ke$ha to illustrate the 5 different (most common) types of crazy drunk girl out there. Ladies, what do you think? Which of these are you? Don’t worry, you can be more than one.

1. The Whore. Every girl has that friend who gets drunk and sleeps with everybody and if you don’t, chances are you’re her! (Good for you! Now go and read “Free Love, People!”)

2. The Crier. Oh God, we’ve all had nights spent vomiting into a sewer drain and crying about that douche that won’t return your calls or texts. Maybe you were The Whore last night and The Crier tonight. Either way, you probably shouldn’t have come out tonight. Next time, buy a bottle of Sutter Home and watch Titanic in your pajamas. That’s what you wanted to do all along, right?

3. The One Who Thinks She’s Helping (AKA The Babysitter). Sometimes there’s this friend that doesn’t realize she’s hammered and takes it upon herself to try to “fix” everybody’s problems. Whether it be comforting The Crier or saving The Whore from another one night stand, she sucks the fun out of every situation because she assumes people should be babysat. Too bad she doesn’t realize that everyone saw her take those Patron shots earlier so they know she’s actually worse off than everyone else there.

4. The Angry Bitch. She’s been pissed off for a while and is looking to dump that onto somebody. She’s the one who will get your group kicked out of the bar because she slapped the guy who jumped in front of her when she was trying to get a drink. She’s like the girl version of Ronnie from the Jersey Shore. She’s got something to prove and she proves it by shitting on people and starting fights.

5. The One Who Thinks She Can Keep Up With The Guys. This is pretty self-explanatory. This type of drunk girl is in denial about her state of sobriety like The Babysitter but suddenly becomes the shitshow under five seconds. All of a sudden she’s puking and everyone is completely unprepared. Sometimes this type can rally and come back for round two, but at least for me, when I’m done I’m done.

Do you agree? Can you think of any more? I’ll admit- I’ve been all of them. Hell, I’ve been most of them in a single night. I just find it odd that my guy friends don’t see this. Maybe I’ve been too sober lately.

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