Category Archives: Celebrity

Your NEW Epic Rap Star Name

So, the other night, it occurred to me that I told you the formula for a 2012 epic rap song, but I failed to even point you in some sort of direction as to what kind of rap star name you’d have. Like, HELLO?!? What was I thinking? The rap star name itself is almost as important as your song. It creates your entire image!

Believe me, I could NOT sleep for the rest of the night. I was tossing and turning thinking of pointers for you. Luckily, there are a couple directions you can go in with this:

1. Become an animal. Pitbull, Snoop Dogg (lion) and Tyga are all solid examples of this. This is becoming a tad cliche though, so watch out. Remember Lil Bow Wow? Kid’s a joke. Now he wants to be called “Bow Wow.” Pffft, OK. Like I’m gonna remember to do that. Whatever, dude.

2. Common places or brand names misspelled. Eminem, Timbaland, Flo Rida fall under this category. Remember Salt n Pepa? So do I because their rap star names rock. If you’re lazy and don’t want to put too much time into creating your rapper name, you can have it done in minutes if you go this route. Pepsi, McDonalds, West Virginia, iPod and Saint Louis all haven’t been used yet so go to town.


3. Use “lil,” “Dr.” or “young” to preface something. Personally, I’d go with “Dr.” here. Don’t worry, you don’t need your doctorate or anything… It’s not like people are checking. It’s the best option because it gives you more cred and no one will listen to what you say if they don’t trust you.


4. Create a name outside of the English language. Try using one to two letters and a dash like Ne-Yo or Jay-Z. Didn’t Prince become a symbol for a while? I mean, he’s not a rap star, but it certainly grabbed our attention, amirite? Or why not just create a new word like Akon, JaRule or Shwayze did?


5. If all else fails use your real name. You can spice it up. Jason DeRulo sings his name. Sammy Adams was named after a domestic beer so he doesn’t even have to do anything. Maybe do what Nicki Minaj does- some people call her Nicki and others call her Roman like Kanye West, who sometimes goes by ‘Nye.

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What is Wrong With Gabby Douglas’ Hair?

This is what I hate about America. Here we have a young 16 YEAR OLD child who sucks less than 90 percent of the idiots on this earth and we choose to pick ONE little thing about her and bitch about it. I’m talking about Gabby Douglas here. You know, the two-time GOLD MEDAL winning Olympic gymnast? We should be bragging about total gymnastics domination over China and Russia. Instead, we’re talking about her hair like it offended someone.

There are a few reasons why this is stupid:

1. It doesn’t look bad. Gabby Douglas’ hair does not look bad. During competition, it was pulled back, out of her face and looked clean and brushed. She could be going to the grocery store, walking to class, eating a Subway sandwich or, I don’t know- WINNING GOLD MEDALS AND BEING AWESOME in this hairstyle. Shut up. (P.S. I know my hostility is unwarranted. Just let me be.)

She’s just wearing the classic slut-bun (which is no indication of whether or not one is a slut. Unless you’re in middle school, though). The slut-bun is used when a female wishes to pull her hair back quickly with minimal effort, so she pulls her hair back into a ponytail and but doesn’t loop the rest of her hair through the last time. It requires no style, attention, or maintenance. Other US gymnasts sported slut-buns:


2. She is not famous for trying to look good. This girl is not going to a movie premiere. She is in the highest level of athletic competition, which means she needs to keep her hair out of her face and focus on WINNING and not falling and dying or becoming permanently paralyzed. Not to mention the fact that her image is not and should not be founded on her looks. Granted, I don’t HATE looking at Ryan Lochte but the guy is not famous for being a hot movie star. This means he doesn’t need to have washboard abs for some movie role, he needs them to help USA dominate the medal stand. Just like Gabby- she’s an athlete not a Ford model. Shut up and sit down.

3. How can we criticize her hair without remembering the gymnasts from the 90’s? Comparatively speaking, girl could walk the red carpet compared to the bangs and scrunchies of the 90s. I don’t even want to get into the whole figure skater hairstyle. Jesus.

    


So, in conclusion, I believe everyone needs to leave Gabby Douglas alone and shut up about her hair. Unless, of course, someone can explain to me WHY this is such a hot conversation topic here because maybe I’m missing something.

 

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The Formula for a 2012 Rap Song

Ok, I’m a genius and about to make millions on it. I figured out the formula for a 2012 platinum rap song. It wasn’t easy, but once I cash in on this shit I can finally afford to buy my own island.

My song is in the works so I feel comfortable sharing my findings with you. Down below I’ve written a list- a list of five things you need to have in a rap song to make you a star. Times are a-changin’ so use my advice wisely because it might not be the same come 2013.

1. Tell everyone who you are. In the beginning of your song, you need to identify yourself. You must not use a common name and you will probably sound a lot cooler if you can find someone else to say your name for you.

2. Name obscure places. I want you to do me a favor. Grab an atlas, blindfold yourself and point randomly. Do that five more times. Point to cities, continents, oceans, countries, etc. No one will care. You need to name these places in your rap song so people assume you’ve been there and did something off the wall. That way, everyone will think you’re cooler and only cool people sell records (besides Nickelback, that shit came from way out in left field).

3. You have to talk about how much you drink. If you want people to like you, you have to drink. No one should trust a person who can’t have at least one drink. But, since you’re a rap star, you need to drink more than everyone else and you have to talk about it. Oh, and if it’s not Patron, go home, you’re useless.

4. Demand that people start dancing. Your rap song needs to get even the whitest of the white guys to want to break it down. No, you’re not going to politely tell people to get on up to that dance floor. You need to demand this from them. Get repetitive.

5. Describe a hot chick that you have had sex with or one that you are confident you will have sex with in the near future (ie tonight or something). This is crucial. If you can’t get laid, then you’re not a rap star and no rap star says no to the idea of telling everyone about it. T-Pain revolutionized this with his smash hit “Apple Bottom Jeans.” I get it- maybe you feel a bit uncomfortable with this. Don’t worry. Just call her “sexy,” or “baby,” and make sure everyone knows that it’s a casual thing. Can’t think of someone? Make her up. No one will know the difference. I promise.

A “bonus” I’m adding here is that you must mention how much money you have by bragging about what you can afford. Since you’re not a rap star yet, you probably have tens and twennies in your wallet, not fiddies n hunnidz. I get it. Maybe you’ve come from nothing. That’s fine. Now is the time to mention jail if you’ve been there. Usually the best rap stars talk about jail first and then mention their money later, once they’ve made it all fast.

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What Your Reality TV Show Says About YOU

Women love reality television. Whether it be a Bravo cooking show, Real Housewives, Toddlers in Tiaras or Teen Mom, the fairer sex can’t get enough of fake real life. There’s something about watching other people do stupid shit and pretend like it’s completely normal that makes women glued to the tube like stripes on a zebra. Oh, and any woman who says she doesn’t watch reality television is a liar and shouldn’t be trusted. She’s most likely trying to sound more intelligent and intimidating than you. Don’t trust what she says.

Here, I am going to categorize the types of reality television into four different groups and use scientific research to make shallow assumptions about the type of person you are based on your reality TV preference. Ready? Let’s go:

1. Competitive Connie 

Basic Premise of the shows: A lengthy competition with a new challenge each week. One or more contestant is eliminated each week until the final contestant stands and wins something ridiculous like $250,000 and a lap dance.
Real life examples: America’s Next Top Model, Top Chef/Iron Chef, Cupcake Wars, The Amazing Race, The Apprentice, American Idol

What this means: So you’re the most normal category of reality TV watcher. Good for you! There’s enough drama and cut-throat competition in these shows, but you actually end up learning a bit about cooking/cupcakes/modeling/whatever while watching, so it’s not a total waste of time. You are probably very intelligent, adventurous and athletic. A TOTAL catch!

2. Dominique the Diva

Basic Premise of the shows: Quasi-famous people are being followed by cameras 
Real life examples:
Keeping up with the Kardashians, Real Housewives, Basketball Wives, Mob Wives

What this means: So you’re either one of two extremes: a raging bitch or a ditz with five brain cells. Men, stay away.  You are completely undateable. Only upside is that you have a healthy love of justice and equality and know how to stick up for yourself.

3. Self-Esteem Boost Sara

Basic Premise of the shows: Non-famous people being followed by cameras (not to be confused with #2) either because they’re completely ridiculous and don’t realize it or because they’re in a pathetic, shitty situation you’re lucky enough to not have to deal with. 
Real life examples:
Jersey Shore, Teen Mom, Toddlers in Tiaras, Intervention, Hoarders, Judge Judy, Cheaters

What this means: You probably hate the current path their life is going down, so you use reality TV show to reaffirm the idea that, “well, at least I’m not that guy!” into your brain so you feel better about yourself. You’re also a good girl at heart, so watching these shows kinda makes you feel a little BAD, doesn’t it?

4. Romantic Ramona

Basic Premise of the shows: Looking for love! XOXO 
Real life examples
The Bachelorette, The Bachelor, Millionaire Matchmaker, The Challenge: Battle of the Exes

What this means: You want to be swept off your feet (obvi) and you’re either looking for love or in love! You will probably make the greatest girlfriend/housewife ever. You love to cook, clean and cater to your man, but you are a bit emotionally needy.

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June 25, 2012 · 2:44 PM

Five Ways RomComs Teach You It’s OK to be Psycho

No, this is not a scorned-woman, feminist rant about hating men and hating the portrayal of females in ROM-coms (AKA romantic comedies. Keep up with me, here). Instead, I’m going to expose how ridiculous and stupid the Hollywood ROM-com writers are for actually thinking the average American is going to buy their pukey bullshit and enjoy it. I’ve  comprised a list of FIVE tired ROM-com clichés that I hate the most.  Don’t worry, I used movies as examples to really drive my points home because this blog needs some solid, journalistic evidence.

FYI this is your Spoiler Alert!! (Just kidding on that! I mean, let’s be honest… we all know how it’s going to end from watching the five-second previews). Here goes! Just in time for Valentine’s Day! :

1. Time is a huge factor when it actually isn’t. OK, I want to say that in about 90 percent of ROM-coms, the male or female lead realizes that the other lead character is the one for them when it’s considered “too late” or after they somehow pissed them off. This moment of clarity comes at the most inopportune time ever. Instead of, say, staying for the rest of your own sister’s wedding reception, you decide to dump your nice boyfriend and scour the entire metropolis to find some guy and tell him that you love him. This is someone who lives ACROSS THE HALL from you. I’m talking to you, Ally Darling from What’s Your Number?. Seriously, why can’t you just wait until tomorrow? I don’t know why you decided to RUIN your bridesmaid dress, steal a car and bicycle, break into another wedding reception and interrupt a band from performing. If any woman did that in real life, the guy would think she’s psycho. This is an epic cliché ROM-com FAIL.

2. They’re super-damaged but still considered attractive.  OK, Dating 101: hide your baggage at least until date 5… or 50 for Christ’s sake. Yet, in the wonderful world of ROM-coms, baggage makes you you and is somehow OK to expose when you barely know the other person. It isn’t considered to be a huge turn-off or anything. Seriously? Are you ROM-com writers just telling America to ignore all the red flags? This lighthearted movie can easily turn into an episode of Criminal Minds if it were in the real world! Hate to do this to you, Debra Messing, but Kat in The Wedding Date has NO self-esteem and is so desperate it’s cringe-worthy. Who hires (and uses) a male prostitute to go to her sister’s wedding to get some guy from 1,000 years ago jealous? Let’s move on, girlfriend.

Another example of this is Mila Kunis’ character in Friends With Benefits. She’s more emotionally unavailable than you because no one has ever been treated worse by men than her. You need to feel bad for her and sympathize with her because she has hollow, loveless sex to numb her inadequacy issues. Don’t get pissed at me here, I’m not saying this- JT laid this all down real easy in the movie.

3. They’re the wild, extreme opposites of each other. A common, annoying ROM-com cliché is when two people who are POLAR opposites butt heads and then realize that they like the other person. Hello, The Ugly Truth! She’s a hopeless romantic, and he’s a cynical, superficial womanizer. He has dark hair, she’s a blonde. The only thing they have in common is that they’re both painfully written 2-demensional characters. Yet, somehow they’re able to fall in love and live happily ever after in an assumed long-term, committed relationship.

 

Who could forget this throwback? She’s All That is about a jock who finds the most “unattractive girl” and tries to make her prom queen. Only, she’s not unattractive and he realizes he actually likes her. Could it ever work out between this theatre/art freak and this popular jock? Don’t worry, they end up together.

 4. I hate you but I love you… I love hating you. This tired cliché goes with #3 with the whole butting-heads idea but the characters don’t necessarily have to be opposites, they just have to have an assumed abhorrence for each other. Usually it’s for no good reason. A perfect example is 27 Dresses. Jane can’t stand James until they sing Benny and the Jets together at a dive bar and have blackout sex in a car like it’s Prom night. She starts hating him again the next day when she finds out that his boss published an article about how pathetic she is. Don’t worry, James puts a giant band-aid on the situation when he buys her a Blackberry.

Same idea goes for What Happens in Vegas. Jack and Joy are forced to live together and pretend that it’s difficult to be wicked good-looking and live with someone who’s also wicked good-looking for a month or a year or something. Personally, I’d deal with disgusting pubic hair and dirty couches if it meant I could stare at Ashton Kutcher’s perfectly sculpted abs all day. Suck it up, Cameron Diaz. I’m having a hard time trying to feel bad for you.

5. Cocky man-whore meets girl with morals and eventually falls in love. Oh, what a story for the grandkids! You know, this guy sleeps with everybody because of some later-revealed commitment issue (see #2) but then realizes the error of his ways when he falls in love with a woman who finds him revolting and refuses to bang him. OK, I don’t mean to get all philosophical here but #1 people don’t change and #2 other people don’t make people change, people need to want the change on their own. (Has ANYBODY seen the show Intervention before?) In Catch and Release, Gray doesn’t understand why her late-fiance liked Fritz, whom she catches having an awkward quickie in the bathroom of his wake. She thinks he’s a whorish, womanizing douche-bag until they bang and then fall in love.

Hannah in Crazy Stupid Love refuses to hook up with Jacob when he comes on to her pretty hard at a bar. Solid rejection. The plot progresses as Jacob then has meaningless sex with every other woman in the free world before they meet again at the bar. Instead of sleeping together, they talk and joke and stare at Ryan Gosling’s abs all night and then he eventually realizes that she’s the yin to his yang and he doesn’t want to work the streets anymore.

So there’s my list of tired ROM-com clichés! I know there are millions of others I could have included, but these are the worst. Hollywood, let’s start writing better ROM-coms that don’t suck. Think of some new clichés that our kids and grandkids will bitch and blog about, assuming the whole ROM-com genre doesn’t just go away altogether.

Anything to add? Anything you disagree with? Please tell me your thoughts!!

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Stop yelling, Rihanna. We can hear you.

This is my open letter to Rihanna:

Dear Rihanna (Or is it Rhianna? Whatever),

I really want to like you. I think it’s cool that you were born in Barbados and have obviously unnatural red frizzy curly hair that works for you and looks really good. I’m from the boring suburbs and red does not go well with my skin tone. This makes me jealous of you but in a friendly, amicable way. I also like your neat tattoos and perfect skin tone. Also, didn’t you just get sexiest woman alive or something? Good for you! I mean it.

Now Rihanna, there are a few things I don’t like about you. The biggest problem I have is is that you yell-sing. Yell-singing is when someone yells and tries to pass it off as singing. You do this in your song, “Only Girl In The World.” It starts out really slow and calm and then BAM you just start YELL-singing and I don’t know what to do with it. We can hear you. I don’t know why you have to start yelling. It seriously feels like you’re yelling AT me and I just can’t think of anything I could say to make it stop.

Fast-forward to the one-minute mark:

Rihanna, sometimes, listening to your music makes me feel anxious aside from your yell-singing. Sometimes the content of your songs upsets me. For example, “Rude Boy.” First of all, you relentlessly say “call me rude boy-boy” multiple times and then ask a number of personal, probing questions in a row. No one has time to answer that quickly. Secondly, your question is very rude and you know it. If I were a man and a woman asked me that, I would be very offended. It would hurt my feelings! I mean, what if he wasn’t up to your standards, RiRi? Would you be prepared to listen to a guy say, “Um, actually Rihanna it’s not that impressive. Don’t waste your time”? Probably a huge awkward letdown.

Now, I have “We Found Love” on constant repeat these days. I’m getting cautiously optimistic that you’ve outgrown this yell-sing habit and have also gotten over your need to ask probing questions indiscreetly. Remember, I want to like you.

Sincerely,

Daisy

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The 2011 Internet Sensations of Christmas

On the twelfth day of Christmas, 2011 Internet gave to me:

Twelve changes on Facebook

Eleven celeb iPhone hacks

Ten Groupon Getaways

Nine leaked Lohan pics

Eight National Anthem Flubs

Seven Keenan Lipsync vids

Six Plankers Planking

FIVVEE SEAAAATS TO CHOOOSEEE FROMM

Four #winning Interviews

Three Gaddafi death Tweets

Two Texts for Bennett

And Tim “Tebowing” under my tree.

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