Category Archives: Fashion

I play by my own rules here…

What is Wrong With Gabby Douglas’ Hair?

This is what I hate about America. Here we have a young 16 YEAR OLD child who sucks less than 90 percent of the idiots on this earth and we choose to pick ONE little thing about her and bitch about it. I’m talking about Gabby Douglas here. You know, the two-time GOLD MEDAL winning Olympic gymnast? We should be bragging about total gymnastics domination over China and Russia. Instead, we’re talking about her hair like it offended someone.

There are a few reasons why this is stupid:

1. It doesn’t look bad. Gabby Douglas’ hair does not look bad. During competition, it was pulled back, out of her face and looked clean and brushed. She could be going to the grocery store, walking to class, eating a Subway sandwich or, I don’t know- WINNING GOLD MEDALS AND BEING AWESOME in this hairstyle. Shut up. (P.S. I know my hostility is unwarranted. Just let me be.)

She’s just wearing the classic slut-bun (which is no indication of whether or not one is a slut. Unless you’re in middle school, though). The slut-bun is used when a female wishes to pull her hair back quickly with minimal effort, so she pulls her hair back into a ponytail and but doesn’t loop the rest of her hair through the last time. It requires no style, attention, or maintenance. Other US gymnasts sported slut-buns:


2. She is not famous for trying to look good. This girl is not going to a movie premiere. She is in the highest level of athletic competition, which means she needs to keep her hair out of her face and focus on WINNING and not falling and dying or becoming permanently paralyzed. Not to mention the fact that her image is not and should not be founded on her looks. Granted, I don’t HATE looking at Ryan Lochte but the guy is not famous for being a hot movie star. This means he doesn’t need to have washboard abs for some movie role, he needs them to help USA dominate the medal stand. Just like Gabby- she’s an athlete not a Ford model. Shut up and sit down.

3. How can we criticize her hair without remembering the gymnasts from the 90’s? Comparatively speaking, girl could walk the red carpet compared to the bangs and scrunchies of the 90s. I don’t even want to get into the whole figure skater hairstyle. Jesus.

    


So, in conclusion, I believe everyone needs to leave Gabby Douglas alone and shut up about her hair. Unless, of course, someone can explain to me WHY this is such a hot conversation topic here because maybe I’m missing something.

 

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Bad Fashion: The “Hotness” Test

Have you ever seen a new fashion trend and said “What the fuck?” to yourself? The fashion industry comes out with something new or recycles some style from the 90’s that makes you look like you’re walking around with a load in your pants. I’m taking about Kelly Kapowski acid-washed high-cropped jeans or those Jasmine harem pants or overalls or anything that makes you look like you weigh 500 lbs more than you actually do. I want to know what runs through someone’s head when they’re considering purchasing them, don’t you?

I mean, what the fuck? How can you think the illusion of a droopy crotch is sexy? When looking at a woman wearing Kelly Kapowski jeans, what man says to himself, “Hmmm she’s so sexy. I can’t wait to unzip that unreasonably long zipper covering her foopa to reveal those granny panties underneath. YUMMY”? No man. NO ONE!

Now, I have this theory. Many people assume that the women who buy into these hideous styles are trying to be trendy. This makes sense because they’re usually out at parties in the city with flatironed hair and tons of colorful makeup on. However, I DON’T BELIEVE THIS IS TRUE. My theory is that the joke is on all of us. They think they’re hot shit and know their pants are ugly as fuck but figure, “Hey, if I can go out and get laid wearing these heinous pants, I’m a fucking goddess.”

Am I right here? I mean, if you can get laid wearing harem pants, then you must have a pretty attractive face and a body to die for. If I were a man, it would take a lot for me to look past that.  You’d have to look like Megan Fox or something.

Maybe I’ll take this theory a bit further. Maybe it isn’t the women themselves fucking with us, but the higher-ups in fashion. They sit together and come up with these trends to challenge all the young ladies out there that think they’re hot shit. It’s some unwritten and understood agreement.These fashion moguls are like, “Hey, NYC babe, you think you’re sexy, huh? Try getting laid in these vintage floral mom jeans. Muahahahha!” And these twenty-somethings everywhere collectively sign whilst saying, “Challenge accepted.” Then they go out, buy the ugliest new trendy snow pants they can find, wear them out that Saturday night and don’t stop droppin’ it like it’s hot until some hipster buys them a PBR. It’s the ultimate way to test how hot you really are.

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Leggings Are Not Pants and That’s OK

I love leggings and I hate the people who are campaigning against wearing leggings with shirts that don’t cover their butt. I didn’t “forget” to put on my pants or a dress, I fucking put on leggings instead. Nothing’s missing from my outfit at all so shut the hell up.

This is the reason why I love leggings and love wearing them with shirts that don’t completely cover my butt: I hate my thighs and ass. However, whenever I put on a pair of leggings, they suck in the fat there and change the look of my ass and thighs faster and more drastically than Melissa Joan Hart changes outfits in front of a mirror during the opening of Sabrina the Teenage Witch (you’ve seen that show, don’t pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about).

Leggings for me are literally the bottom-half of Spanx without the cheap, shiny material that confirms the look of clothing made to be worn as an undergarment. Who WOULDN’T want to show that off? People (specifically, women) are always talking about showing off your assets, and leggings worn with AND without a dress or long shirt covering them do just that. No yoga pant or skinny jean does that and even if they did, they wouldn’t be able to do it as well as leggings do. Don’t mess with a good thing.

I know what you’re thinking and I’m never going to allow myself to have (visible) camel-toe while wearing them A.) because I don’t pull the crotch up that far and B.) If I did, I’d just wear a longer shirt to cover it up. I’m pretty conscious of that shit.

So the next time you see someone wearing plain black leggings (or just legging in general) with a shirt that doesn’t cover their ass, be OK with that. Don’t get all judgmental and think something’s missing from their outfit because there isn’t. Admit to yourself that they look pretty fucking good. I really want this look to take off and be accepted because it’s literally the only way I can make myself look like I don’t have giant uncontrollable globs of cellulite.

Image courtesy of this place. Buy a pair today, ladies! 

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