Category Archives: L-O-V-E

Oh, the dirtiest four-letter word!

My Hypothetical Life as a Sex Worker

Don’t jump to conclusions, FBI. I’m not a prostitute.

However, I’d be lying if I said I never thought about it. Upscale hookers could make like $3k in a night. Do I make that in a month? I don’t want to answer that question.

I owe approximately a BAJILLION dollars to Sallie Mae and other federal/state loan companies I whored my debt onto and sold my soul to for an education. If I was an escort for ONE NIGHT a week and made, say, $1k-2k each time, I’d pay of all that debt off in no time.

Downpayment on a house? NO PROBLEMO, brah. I’d work 2-3 times a week and that money’s in the BANK, dude. Then I could spend the rest of my time working part-time as a writer. All my whore stories would eventually buy me an awesome book deal.

Now, my Catholic upbringing would never allow me to do this. If I got paid for sex ONE TIME, I’d fear the wrath of God coming down from the heavens to blacken my already-charred human soul. Saint Peter would shake his head and then shun me from ever entering the pearly gates of heaven. He’d white-out my name from his list of “Ones to be Saved” for eternity.

But, that’s just me. In another life and in another world I’d do it. (Haha “do it”! Get it? I’m so funny, aren’t I?)

I’d be the happy hooker, like Julia Roberts in Pretty Women, except I wouldn’t walk the streets. It’d be more of a referral-based type of hookering (Or is it ‘hooking’?). I’d create a solid base of clientele and work only for myself. I’ve got good business sense and I wouldn’t want to give anybody else a cut of MY cha-ching, ya know?

So, would you ever sell your bod to pay bills? Have you thought about it?

Image courtesy of this random website I found via google search

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Filed under L-O-V-E, Work

Free Love, People!

I recently posted a blog article, “I Don’t Mean to Sound Like a Total Bitch, But…” the other day and it made me start to think about other phrases people use that are vastly ineffective and obviously untrue. One of the best ones is when people say, “I swear to God I NEVER do this!” when they’re having a one-night stand. OK, #1 of course you have! You are not fooling anyone, especially after saying that and #2 who cares, anyways? You might as well just not care if the other person thinks you’re a total whore and just roll with it. You probably won’t ever see them again after that night and chances are you probably won’t even want to anyways. They picked you up from that bar because they thought you were hot and easy, not because you’re good with kids or had a 3.8 GPA at an Ivy League school.

Now, I’m going to sound hypocritical here but I’ve never actually DONE that. Like, I’ve never had a one night stand before. (This is because of years and year of parochial schooling, which I’ll touch upon during a later post. Don’t think that this means I’m all judgmental and bitchy about those who have.) However, if I ever did, I’d never say that “I’ve never done this” phrase because I’d want to play it off all cool like I’m a badass. I’d want them to assume that I’m an amazing super-slut. That way, they wouldn’t worry about me possibly being clingy after and I wouldn’t worry about seeming like a tight-ass. It’d be win-win.

Also, check out this blog article that talks about one night stands, too. It’s hilarious!

Image courtesy of The Frisky

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Filed under Booze, L-O-V-E

If You Wear Padded Bras You’re a Liar

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that men probably don’t really like padded bras as much as they think that they do. I know that models from Victoria’s Secret runway shows may tell you otherwise, but to me, wearing a padded bra seems less moral than cheating on an exam. This is because I don’t think it’s fair to put the illusion of something out there when you know that you physically can’t follow through.

Being a C cup girl myself, I guess I don’t get it. I don’t need that extra “reinforcement” because my boobs (breasts? tits? I don’t know) at least won’t disappoint a guy. I mean, even if my boob were wicked disgusting and weird looking, I don’t think most guys would have a problem with them because they’re a reasonable size. However, if I were an A cup, I still would never wear a padded bra because it’s dishonest. Granted, the illusion of big tits will definitely get you somewhere, but explaining how small they actually are just doesn’t seem worth it to me. I mean, if things ever get to “that point” with a guy, he’s most likely going to be disappointed if you’ve been lying the whole time, right? You might as well just lay that shit down right away before it could begin to get complicated. Instead of lying, just embrace your mosquito bites and roll with it.

I know that looks aren’t everything (even though they are) but if you happen attract a “boob” man, he’s going to probably get upset if you ever hook up, even though you might not notice. Instead, you should un-pad your bra and focus on some other physical attribute to rope in a man. (I know some people will say that personality should shine through but they’re just naive) That way, you won’t falsely entrap a “boob man” because of your padded, pushed-up boobs and instead might attract a different sort of man that’s all about something else you have to offer.

Small boobs aren’t a bad thing. In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s in style these days. I know that jogging and playing volleyball would be a lot easier without them and that’s from personal experience. Small-boobed ladies don’t know how good they have it too because they don’t have to worry about sag or wrinkles down the line. Plus, once they have kids they’ll most likely grow bigger, but by that point I’m sure they’ll resolve to letting themselves go anyways so it wouldn’t matter all that much (at least that’s what my plan is).

Anyways, padded bras need to become a thing of the past because as a woman, I don’t think it’s fair for men to be confused. I hope small-breasted women everywhere begin to realize this and embrace the small boobs they have or get a boob job or something.

Image courtesy of this place. To me, it’s an example of an honest, acceptable bra, right?

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Filed under L-O-V-E