The Formula for a 2012 Rap Song

Ok, I’m a genius and about to make millions on it. I figured out the formula for a 2012 platinum rap song. It wasn’t easy, but once I cash in on this shit I can finally afford to buy my own island.

My song is in the works so I feel comfortable sharing my findings with you. Down below I’ve written a list- a list of five things you need to have in a rap song to make you a star. Times are a-changin’ so use my advice wisely because it might not be the same come 2013.

1. Tell everyone who you are. In the beginning of your song, you need to identify yourself. You must not use a common name and you will probably sound a lot cooler if you can find someone else to say your name for you.

2. Name obscure places. I want you to do me a favor. Grab an atlas, blindfold yourself and point randomly. Do that five more times. Point to cities, continents, oceans, countries, etc. No one will care. You need to name these places in your rap song so people assume you’ve been there and did something off the wall. That way, everyone will think you’re cooler and only cool people sell records (besides Nickelback, that shit came from way out in left field).

3. You have to talk about how much you drink. If you want people to like you, you have to drink. No one should trust a person who can’t have at least one drink. But, since you’re a rap star, you need to drink more than everyone else and you have to talk about it. Oh, and if it’s not Patron, go home, you’re useless.

4. Demand that people start dancing. Your rap song needs to get even the whitest of the white guys to want to break it down. No, you’re not going to politely tell people to get on up to that dance floor. You need to demand this from them. Get repetitive.

5. Describe a hot chick that you have had sex with or one that you are confident you will have sex with in the near future (ie tonight or something). This is crucial. If you can’t get laid, then you’re not a rap star and no rap star says no to the idea of telling everyone about it. T-Pain revolutionized this with his smash hit “Apple Bottom Jeans.” I get it- maybe you feel a bit uncomfortable with this. Don’t worry. Just call her “sexy,” or “baby,” and make sure everyone knows that it’s a casual thing. Can’t think of someone? Make her up. No one will know the difference. I promise.

A “bonus” I’m adding here is that you must mention how much money you have by bragging about what you can afford. Since you’re not a rap star yet, you probably have tens and twennies in your wallet, not fiddies n hunnidz. I get it. Maybe you’ve come from nothing. That’s fine. Now is the time to mention jail if you’ve been there. Usually the best rap stars talk about jail first and then mention their money later, once they’ve made it all fast.

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Bad Fashion: The “Hotness” Test

Have you ever seen a new fashion trend and said “What the fuck?” to yourself? The fashion industry comes out with something new or recycles some style from the 90’s that makes you look like you’re walking around with a load in your pants. I’m taking about Kelly Kapowski acid-washed high-cropped jeans or those Jasmine harem pants or overalls or anything that makes you look like you weigh 500 lbs more than you actually do. I want to know what runs through someone’s head when they’re considering purchasing them, don’t you?

I mean, what the fuck? How can you think the illusion of a droopy crotch is sexy? When looking at a woman wearing Kelly Kapowski jeans, what man says to himself, “Hmmm she’s so sexy. I can’t wait to unzip that unreasonably long zipper covering her foopa to reveal those granny panties underneath. YUMMY”? No man. NO ONE!

Now, I have this theory. Many people assume that the women who buy into these hideous styles are trying to be trendy. This makes sense because they’re usually out at parties in the city with flatironed hair and tons of colorful makeup on. However, I DON’T BELIEVE THIS IS TRUE. My theory is that the joke is on all of us. They think they’re hot shit and know their pants are ugly as fuck but figure, “Hey, if I can go out and get laid wearing these heinous pants, I’m a fucking goddess.”

Am I right here? I mean, if you can get laid wearing harem pants, then you must have a pretty attractive face and a body to die for. If I were a man, it would take a lot for me to look past that.  You’d have to look like Megan Fox or something.

Maybe I’ll take this theory a bit further. Maybe it isn’t the women themselves fucking with us, but the higher-ups in fashion. They sit together and come up with these trends to challenge all the young ladies out there that think they’re hot shit. It’s some unwritten and understood agreement.These fashion moguls are like, “Hey, NYC babe, you think you’re sexy, huh? Try getting laid in these vintage floral mom jeans. Muahahahha!” And these twenty-somethings everywhere collectively sign whilst saying, “Challenge accepted.” Then they go out, buy the ugliest new trendy snow pants they can find, wear them out that Saturday night and don’t stop droppin’ it like it’s hot until some hipster buys them a PBR. It’s the ultimate way to test how hot you really are.

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What Your Reality TV Show Says About YOU

Women love reality television. Whether it be a Bravo cooking show, Real Housewives, Toddlers in Tiaras or Teen Mom, the fairer sex can’t get enough of fake real life. There’s something about watching other people do stupid shit and pretend like it’s completely normal that makes women glued to the tube like stripes on a zebra. Oh, and any woman who says she doesn’t watch reality television is a liar and shouldn’t be trusted. She’s most likely trying to sound more intelligent and intimidating than you. Don’t trust what she says.

Here, I am going to categorize the types of reality television into four different groups and use scientific research to make shallow assumptions about the type of person you are based on your reality TV preference. Ready? Let’s go:

1. Competitive Connie 

Basic Premise of the shows: A lengthy competition with a new challenge each week. One or more contestant is eliminated each week until the final contestant stands and wins something ridiculous like $250,000 and a lap dance.
Real life examples: America’s Next Top Model, Top Chef/Iron Chef, Cupcake Wars, The Amazing Race, The Apprentice, American Idol

What this means: So you’re the most normal category of reality TV watcher. Good for you! There’s enough drama and cut-throat competition in these shows, but you actually end up learning a bit about cooking/cupcakes/modeling/whatever while watching, so it’s not a total waste of time. You are probably very intelligent, adventurous and athletic. A TOTAL catch!

2. Dominique the Diva

Basic Premise of the shows: Quasi-famous people are being followed by cameras 
Real life examples:
Keeping up with the Kardashians, Real Housewives, Basketball Wives, Mob Wives

What this means: So you’re either one of two extremes: a raging bitch or a ditz with five brain cells. Men, stay away.  You are completely undateable. Only upside is that you have a healthy love of justice and equality and know how to stick up for yourself.

3. Self-Esteem Boost Sara

Basic Premise of the shows: Non-famous people being followed by cameras (not to be confused with #2) either because they’re completely ridiculous and don’t realize it or because they’re in a pathetic, shitty situation you’re lucky enough to not have to deal with. 
Real life examples:
Jersey Shore, Teen Mom, Toddlers in Tiaras, Intervention, Hoarders, Judge Judy, Cheaters

What this means: You probably hate the current path their life is going down, so you use reality TV show to reaffirm the idea that, “well, at least I’m not that guy!” into your brain so you feel better about yourself. You’re also a good girl at heart, so watching these shows kinda makes you feel a little BAD, doesn’t it?

4. Romantic Ramona

Basic Premise of the shows: Looking for love! XOXO 
Real life examples
The Bachelorette, The Bachelor, Millionaire Matchmaker, The Challenge: Battle of the Exes

What this means: You want to be swept off your feet (obvi) and you’re either looking for love or in love! You will probably make the greatest girlfriend/housewife ever. You love to cook, clean and cater to your man, but you are a bit emotionally needy.

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June 25, 2012 · 2:44 PM

50 Shades of WTF is this Shit? This book sucks

I recently read the first “50 Shades” book because the entire universe was begging me to read it. Seriously. Everyone and their mom apparently finds this series to be like the heroin of sex novels so I caved and bought the first one at Amazing’s while shopping for a blow-up penis for my sister’s bachelorette party. (OK I know you can buy this book at less awkward places like Walmart but that story was just funny to me).

Anyways, so right away I couldn’t stop reading it. I’m the type of person who can’t stop reading a book once I start anyways, but I kept reading it because I CONSTANTLY felt like something good or interesting was about to happen but it DIDN’T. This book is boring! Not only is it boring, but it just SUCKS. I mean, the writing sucks, the story drags and the characters aren’t likable or interesting. 50 Shades of Grey is like ordering chicken fingers every time you go out to eat. THAT kind of boring.

If that alone doesn’t convince you to say NO, for those of you interested in reading this poorly-written piece of crap, there is still hope for you. I have created a list of six super-specific reasons why this book blows ass to help convince you to ignore what everyone else says and just never bother reading it.

1. She refers to her vagina as her “sex” and “down there.” OK, I’m a lady. I’m not going to suggest calling it a snatch or poon or anything but seriously? This is so ridiculous. Just say it’s a vagina or literally ANYTHING ELSE. I can think of a million other, less cheesy words for a vagina. I mean it’s not a sex. She’s having sex- she doesn’t have a sex. Oh, and “down there” reminds me of toddlers who need to pee and squirm and point to their bladders.

2. The main character is a porn star. OK, this actually isn’t true. I lied. But honestly, what author names their VIRGIN main character ANASTASIA STEELE? That name just screams porn star in neon flashing lights. I mean, the name Anastasia just screams porn star to me in general, but paired with the last name STEELE is just TOO much.

3. The sex isn’t kinky. When I heard this book was kinky and changing the sex lives of stay-at-home moms across America, I was expecting a huge spectacle. I’m talking about midgets, elaborate role-playing, exotic animals and feces. I was disappointed. Every single sex scene sounded the same and was incredibly cheesy and stupid. Christian and Ana just have amazing, perfect Barbie and Ken sex 24/7 (I know Barbie and Ken don’t have genitalia but if they did, I’m sure their sex life would be way too perfect). Just a disclaimer- I’m not some perverted creep that gets off reading sex novels but I expected more from this novel. Oh, and what woman gets off after like five pumps? RIGHT.

4. Ana’s character is so unrealistic. Not only is this girl named ANASTASIA STEELE and NOT in the porn industry, but Ana just happens to be a super-virgin who hooks up with a “kinky” billionaire. That’s damn near impossible. On top of that, this girl has never gotten drunk before. A SENIOR IN COLLEGE getting drunk for the first time at the age of 22? Hmmmmm, OK. I mean, I’m not saying she should be some shitshow with liver damage but come on. A non-drinking virgin college senior not only sounds rare and unheard of, but she also sounds boring as fuck. Actually, she IS boring as fuck. The girl doesn’t do shit. I would never want to be friends with her.

5. The language is distracting. I know I’m being nit-picky here but who uses words like “perhaps” and “shall” in everyday conversation? I know Christian is supposed to sound like a creepy old man, but even Ana’s Mexican BFF Jose or Carlos or whatever his name is talks like that in the book. It’s set in 2012 not 1612. It’s not a big deal, but it takes away from the story. Actually, the writing is terrible. She’s a shitty shitty writer and can’t handle writing realistic dialogue. I mean, I’m no Hemingway either but I’m not trying to be.

6. Christian is a psychotic and unsympathetic character. I am so sick and tired of writing about this useless book that I don’t even want to explain why Christian sucks but I will because at this point, I’m committed. Christian is way too controlling and obsessive and just weird. He’s creepy. Not a charming, rom-com creepy, a Criminal Minds who-the-fuck-is-this-guy? creepy. I mean, I’ve loved books with main characters that I’ve hated, but his creepiness shouldn’t be legal and he isn’t even interesting. There’s absolutely no depth to his character. He’s just portrayed as a “mercurial” man with a dark past with creepy stalker tendencies. This guy isn’t even on the line between “oh-my-God-he-didn’t-have-to-do-that” and “hmmm-that-was-kind-of-weird,” he’s WAY beyond that and then some. Christian and Ana dated for about a month and he buys her a car, SURPRISE visits her across the country (AFTER SHE SAYS SHE NEEDS SPACE) and tells her he owns her. HOW CAN WOMEN SWOON OVER THIS? I was sick to my stomach and wanted to throw the damn book across the room. BARF!

So, there it is. THE MOST over-rated book in the entire universe which is soon to become the worst movie after Gigli, which sucked so much it broke up Ben Affleck and J-Lo.

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STOP KONY 2012

I know that my posts aren’t very serious, but this is something I believe in and have been supporting for a few years now. I believe every American or citizen of the world, really, should see this video and the other videos made for the Invisible Children cause. Take the time to look and send this along.

This HAS to stop.

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Awkward Search Terms

So, I’m unsure if this is illegal or invading people’s privacy somehow, but I’ve decided to share a list of weird search terms people use to find my blog. You know? What people google to get here. I have a ginormous list of odd, odd search terms that I laugh at daily.

The weird thing about checking out my blog stats is that I actually can’t find many normal search terms that people used to get here. All of them are just bizarre. Like, no one just googles normal shit anymore.

MY #1 SEARCH TERM

The number 1 search term used to generate hits on my blog is “tebow stance” with 61 hits. This doesn’t include these other search terms that made the top ten: “tim tebow stance”, “origin of tebowing”, “history of tebowing”, and “tebowing”. There are a million more further down the list as well.

People love their TEBOW!

The number 2 search term isssssssss:

“Tampon”

Tampon? Seriously, people? Who Googles “tampon”? Why? This doesn’t make sense. I don’t normally write about tampons, either. I guess it’s bizarre I have a tampon post on here “The Tampon and Diaper Aisle at CVS” in the first place, so I’m just as weird as the people that search “tampon” on the internet.

And then here are some runner-ups:

“Kesha drunk” at #3

Annnnnddddd “cat fight sounds” at #4…

With “drunk girl stereotypes” rounding off the top five…

Here are some unexplainable, disturbing search terms (in no particular order):

  • “drunk girl shits herself” (Huh? Why? Gross!)
  • “movie about mouth and butt” (Is this a Human Centipede reference? Do I want to know?)
  • “funny turd pictures”
  • “punishment ritual”
  • “womens in leggings pants fuck”
  • “my husband is creepy”
  • “diaper tampon” (do they exist?!!?)
  • “drunk babysitters”

Here are some funny, random ones:

  • “american horror story drinking game” (I would love to play this! I LOVE THAT SHOW)
  • “melissa joan hart leggings”
  • “rihanna yells not sings” (I shit you not…. someone out there gets me)
  • “is calling someone a turd bad” (I don’t seem to think so!)

The number 1 combination of weird and crazy search term issssssssss:

“girl have 2 pussy”

Yes, this actually exists. I won’t lie, I googled it after this. Yes, I was concerned that my search would reap millions of porn sites, but it was worth investigating.

Apparently there are women out there that have TWO vaginas. NOT ONE but TWO. Uno, dos.

This obviously is a topic for an entire new blog post, but this search term is perplexing to me for two distinct reasons:

  1. How did this search term lead to my site?!!?
  2. HOW DOES SOMEONE HAVE TWO VAGINAS?

I’ll leave you with that to ponder. I’m too busy looking up more information about this on the internet. Oh, and if I mentioned one of your search terms here, comment! Say hello!

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The Ten Things All Drunk Girls Say In Bar Bathrooms

This is what guys think all girls do in bathrooms. (Normal ones don't)

This weekend, I befriended a bar bathroom cleaning lady while I was out boozing in Providence. She was a sweet, little thing, although I’m sure that my loud, drunken presence was more terrifying than friendly to her. Also, I don’t think she knew English very well, but she could’ve just been confused by my slurring.

Anyways, somehow we got to talking about what goes on in the bathrooms at bars. What shit has this lady seen? (Not literally, you’re gross.) Eventually, we got to talking about the typical phrases drunk betchez say that she hears over and over and over again. I since blacked most of them out, which sucks because they were good. I still have some good ones, though, don’t worry.

If you’re a guy and you’ve spent your entire life wondering what girls say and do in restroom packs, lucky you! This list is a clue into what actually goes on in there. You’re welcome, really.

Courtesy of This SITE via random google search

Waiting in line to pee:

  • “I have to pee so bad I’m going to explode!”
  •  “OMG did someone fart? It literally smells like ass right here.”
  • “My feet are KILLING me! I’m gonna take them off. Should I take them off? OK I’m still gonna.”
  • “I’m sweating SO BAD! Can you see my pit sweat? It’s noticeable, isn’t it?”

While peeing in different stalls:

  • “OMG DON’T text him! Do I need to take your phone?”
  • “Are you ok? Are you puking in there?”

While washing hands and getting ready to leave:

  • “OMG! Do you hear that? We gotta get out my songs on!!”
  • “Are you sure I look OK?”
  • “I’m gonna flirt with that guy to make him jealous!”
  • “Am I acting clingy? Should we have a signal for it once I do?”

So, what do you think? Am I spot-on? Are these typical bathroom sayings? I think so. I mean, it all comes straight from the source. My new BFF bathroom attendant agrees with my list one hundred percent. See? I’m getting so good with this whole blogging thing now. I feel like a real journalist.

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