Tag Archives: advice

New Years Hangover Cure: You’re Welcome, Everybody

I’ve seen a couple articles here and there about the best cure for the New Years hangover and they’re all wrong. Considering the fact that I’m hungover for a decent number of Saturdays and Sundays throughout the year, I’ve taken it upon myself to share my own hangover secrets in time for the biggest drinking night of the year.

Take notes and have a Happy New Year!

THE GOLDEN RULE: If you know you’ve been a shitshow and you’re still going strong the night before, DRINK WATER. Just guzzle down a glass or two. A hangover is basically super-dehydration, so the #1 cure is to (surprise, surprise!) hydrate yourself. This might sound like a no-brainer to some people but I’ve found that a drunk person’s ego can get in the way of this. Whatever, do what you want, but don’t bitch to me the next day when you’re crying and puking.

When waking up, you must do the same thing. Drink water. Even if it makes you nauseous, even if it makes you puke water. Drink water.

If you’re having you’re own giant sleep-puke fest (we’ve all been there), try and eat some saltines or something. Even if it feels gross to do this, DO IT. Get something in your stomach and then go back to sleep. Studies have been done on this stuff- sleeping while drunk isn’t as effective as sober slumber, so sleeping more will make that headache go away.

Take a shower. Showering not only hydrates you, but also clears away the icky clammy puke-sweat off your bod. (In case you were wondering, yes, I’m single.)

Now, there’s going to be a point in the day when the clouds clear and it seems as though life is getting back to normal again. Don’t believe this lie, it’s a trick. You will get sick again if you do something stupid like, say, down some shots of vod with your roommates (Been there, done that). YOU ARE NOT INVINCIBLE! You must get some greasy food in your system because #1 you’re starving and #2 McDoubles taste fantastic when you’re hungover. FACT.

And there ya have it! Don’t buy into the other stupid theories like drinking coffee or keep drinking booze- doing that only dehydrates you more. The best hangover cure, of course,  is to just not drinking enough to get hungover in the first place but what’s the fun in doing that?

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Name-Calling: Some Words are Off-Limits, “Turd” and “Vagina” are Not

I have some bad habits I’d love to break. I crack my knuckles, drunk text, overuse post-it notes, get white deodorant marks on black tee-shirts and correct everyone’s grammar on Facebook.

Yet, before I fix any of those annoying habits or quirks, my goal is to stop using the words “retard” and “gay” when I’m name-calling. Now, I know you might be thinking I should just aim to stop name-calling altogether, but I’m taking baby steps here.

Anyways, I digress.  I just think that calling someone “retarded” or “gay” is hurtful and mean. Gays can’t help being gay and retarded people can’t help being retarded. It’s just a cheap shot, ya know?

I mean, I have lots of gay friends and I’ve run this by them. Most don’t feel offended by it.  Some even use it themselves. (I’d never run “retard” by anyone because I just KNOW that’s such a horrible thing to say.) To keep peace with everyone and avoid hurt feelings, I’m just going to phase out these two words from my vocab. I don’t want to run into that awkward moment when I say, “Oh EM Gee! Nickelback has a new album out? They’re SO gay!” and then the person I’m talking to is like, “Uhhh, thanks a lot. I’m gay.”

How do you rebound from that? What could I possibly say next? “Oh, cool. I love gays, man.” There’s no way I could ever say anything to make myself look like less of a jackass. Right?

Now, because I’m a keen advocate for breaking one bad habit by finding another not-as-bad habit to replace it, I’ve found myself using new name-calling stand-bys: “turd” and “vagina.”

I know girls can’t help but have vaginas, so technically I’m back at square one, but vagina is a funny word and I have one so I’m within that group of people who are allowed to use it in the cruel, demeaning way. Also, like vagina, turd is a funny word. Everyone poops, too, so some isolated class isn’t going to bitch about how people should stop saying it.

What are some of your name-calling stand-bys? Do you say “retarded” or “gay”? You probably should quit doing that too then.

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Free Love, People!

I recently posted a blog article, “I Don’t Mean to Sound Like a Total Bitch, But…” the other day and it made me start to think about other phrases people use that are vastly ineffective and obviously untrue. One of the best ones is when people say, “I swear to God I NEVER do this!” when they’re having a one-night stand. OK, #1 of course you have! You are not fooling anyone, especially after saying that and #2 who cares, anyways? You might as well just not care if the other person thinks you’re a total whore and just roll with it. You probably won’t ever see them again after that night and chances are you probably won’t even want to anyways. They picked you up from that bar because they thought you were hot and easy, not because you’re good with kids or had a 3.8 GPA at an Ivy League school.

Now, I’m going to sound hypocritical here but I’ve never actually DONE that. Like, I’ve never had a one night stand before. (This is because of years and year of parochial schooling, which I’ll touch upon during a later post. Don’t think that this means I’m all judgmental and bitchy about those who have.) However, if I ever did, I’d never say that “I’ve never done this” phrase because I’d want to play it off all cool like I’m a badass. I’d want them to assume that I’m an amazing super-slut. That way, they wouldn’t worry about me possibly being clingy after and I wouldn’t worry about seeming like a tight-ass. It’d be win-win.

Also, check out this blog article that talks about one night stands, too. It’s hilarious!

Image courtesy of The Frisky

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Filed under Booze, L-O-V-E