Tag Archives: baby

To My Family: Stop Inviting Me to Annoying Parties

Nothing grinds my gears more than receiving an obligatory “invitation” from an extended family member to a party SMACK DAB in the MIDDLE of a Saturday or Sunday. Like, hello? It’s my weekend, people. Leave me be.

No I do not care to go to a 2 year old birthday party. He/she won’t remember, anyways. Not to mention the fact that I NEVER SIGNED UP FOR THIS SHIT. I’m a 25 year-old young profesh. I am unmarried and I like to go out and get fucked up every weekend. I can’t even keep my plants alive, goddamn it. NOTHING about my lifestyle even MILDLY suggests that this is my “thing.”

So, fucking calm down and stop inviting me.

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You’re lucky that I show up (severely hung-over) to your baby showers. Or wedding showers. Or eighth grade grad parties. After your first kid, DON’T expect a shower. After you’ve gotten married once, DON’T expect a lavish second wedding. It’s rude and you’re taking advantage of me. Also, if your kid is under, like 12 years of age and is not my niece/nephew/child, WHY ARE YOU INVITING ME?

Like, seriously?

All I have to say is that when my time comes, FUCK all of you. When I get married, I will choose the MOST ANNOYING and inconvenient date to celebrate as my GIANT GRANITE SLAB of KARMA I’m throwing back to ALL OF YOU. Memorial Day weekend? Labor Day? Columbus Day weekend? No, not annoying enough.

I’m going to get married ON THE FOURTH OF JULY. I will renew my vows six months later on CHRISTMAS MORNING. No, actually, BETTER YET- I’m going to get married at 9AM on January 1st- the day of the nation-wide hangover. I am inviting your kids. I will not serve you alcohol.

Because, goddamn it, I am sick of your annoying, inconvenient and presumptuous obligatory invitations to parties for the stupid annoying milestones your kids cross.

Oh, and once I have kids, expect an invitation to an “I’m Potty Trained” party, or a “First Day of First Grade” party. Maybe I’ll even have a “It’s My Half Birthday” party EVERY YEAR in addition to their regular party because I AM SO ANNOYED. Ugh.

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Push Presents: Another Reason Why Being a Lady is Awesome

With all of these prego celebs everywhere I can’t help but feel tempted to jump in on the getting-knocked-up bandwagon. Aside from the fact that I’d have a screaming child to rear, saggy ta-tas, stretchmarks and 20+ extra lbs on my bod, getting pregnant can be pretty advantageous. (For superficial reasons, of course)

The biggest one being the “push present” from my lucky baby daddy. Do you know what a push present is? Wikipedia explains it best, “a present a new father gives a new mother when she gives birth to their child. In practice the present may be given before or after the birth, or even in the delivery room. The giving of push presents has supposedly grown in the United States in recent years.”

I recently learned of this when some mindless tabloid magazine I can’t remember published an article releasing insider details of Jay-Z’s push present for Bey: a Tiffany’s necklace!

Lucky for ‘dad’, I’m not much of a diamond jewelry lady, but I do have expensive taste. I mean, think about it. I’d say my pain-tolerance threshold is at a solid two out of ten, so I wouldn’t settle for anything less than eighty bucks an hour considering I’m not even counting the nine months I’d be carrying the child (and the abuse my body would deal with from the pregnancy, too). Multiply that by the average time labor lasts, which is 13+ hours (thank you, Yahoo! Answers) and you’re looking at a $1040 push present. Just for me!

I know I’m obviously way too immature and selfish for a baby right now so don’t worry, I’m not actually going to go through with this idea. However, I’m bringing this topic up because when the time comes, I’m totally going to be expecting one and you should too, ladies!

Knocked up image courtesy of this site.

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Filed under Celebrity, Family