Tag Archives: bar

The “Look”

As a young 20-something female from the burbs who recently moved to a more “urban” area, I’ve adopted a defense mechanism to save me from disgusting, embarrassing and/or uncomfortable situations. I call it the “look.” The “look” is a face I make for approximately 5-7 seconds: head slightly down, eyes peering at you from the right, brows raised, lips closed but not pursed. It says everything and nothing all at once. It says “Why the fuck are you standing in the doorway? They’re trying to close the doors to the damn subway so we can peace the fuck out.” it says “Why the fuck are you clipping your fingernails here? You’re disgusting.” and it even says, “Stop staring at me like I’m a fucking plate of lasagna. Try to be a bit more subtle, creep.”

I’ve perfected the “look.” I’m serious. I mean, I don’t mean to brag but people see it and they GET me. I know this because one woman put her nail clippers away pretty much ON CUE. I felt powerful.

Now, there are some situations when this “look” is not enough. I need a Plan B. I NEED A BACKUP PLAN, PEOPLE. Sometimes the “look” simply will not do.

For example, a few weekends ago I was in some trashy skank club/bar/wait-is-this-a-high-school-dance? in Manchester. We were all swaying our butts and doing that white girl thing. Two of my girfrans had some dudes come up behind them and they started junk-swaying together. I hate that shit and will have none of it, so naturally I began to panic because junk-swayers usually attack groups and I was the only victim left. Lo-and-behold, I got attacked. I moved away. My attacker didn’t relent. Then, I shot him the “look.” HE DIDN’T LISTEN. He continued his attack. Then, I turned around and shot the “look” for, like, twenty fucking seconds. He said to me, “You want to dance?” and I said “NO!”

HELLO? Did you NOT understand the “look”? DID IT NOT SPEAK TO YOU? I’m confident that the fact that he was foreign might have skewed the translation, but I’m still pretty shattered by this.
Do you have a “look”? Does it work? DO YOU HAVE A BACKUP PLAN TO YOUR “LOOK”?
Tell me!
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Filed under Awkward, Uncategorized

“Bro” Encounters of the “Broseph” Kind

Every girl should have at least one obnoxious “Bro” night and this past Friday I got mine over with. My BFF and I went out in Boston, which happens to be Bro-capital of not only the United States but the entire universe. I know that different regions of the universe have different definitions of what “Bros” are, but mine is the only right one because it matches the best-voted definition on Urban Dictionary:

I crossed out the word “rugby” because it’s the best sport ever. “Bros” would never have big enough balls to be ruggers. FACT.

Boston is “Bro” -nation not only because of the rich-kid college scene but because of its proximity to Fenway Park, Cape Cod, Nantucket and Newport, Rhode Island, which are the only “red” areas in the predominantly “blue” state of Massachusetts. (I know Rhode Island is its own state, but sometimes it doesn’t feel that way.)

Anyways, I’ll get back on track.  My friend and I were dancing when Brian Littrell’s doppleganger started to white-guy dance with us. I noticed some solid “Bro” indicators immediately: classic good looks, a pastel buttoned-down Oxford, a pair of aviator sunglasses (Hello? It’s December!) and the inability to fake sobriety.

Now, despite living in Brosephotamia, I don’t dig “Bros.” I find them updatable and I respect my Dad too much to ever bring one home to meet him. My friend, however, was in heaven. Brian Littrell seemed to dig her too, so I knew it was only a matter of time before I had to play wingman and  flirt with one of his “Bros” because I’m a good friend.

I met Jason Segal, Marty McFly and Matt Damon. I mean, I didn’t actually meet them, but those are the celebrities his friends most closely resembled and I want to give a visual here. I kind of started hitting it off with Marty McFly. Now, I want to make it clear that I nicknamed him Marty McFly not only because he has the same haircut, but because he was wearing one of those bubble jackets resembling Marty McFly’s orange vest. This is another “Bro” indicator. 

Hey Biff, get a load of this guy's life preserver. Dork thinks he's gonna drown.

We chatted and old-people danced for a while. He bought me a drink, which was surprisingly un-Bro-like. I mean, aren’t “Bros” spoiled rich boys who expected to be waited on? Maybe I was wrong my whole life. Seemed gentlemanly.

This image was shattered once Marty McFly started to get all roid-rage on some nice hippie I was making polite conversation with. I guess I’m his property now.

Anyways, the night progressed and we decided to go back to their apartment. I agreed to do so for journalistic purposed only. I’ll admit- I was kind of intrigued. It was like watching the National Geographic channel.

Since I was drunk and I’m mean when I’m drunk, I decided to tell these “Bros” they’re “Bros.” Funny thing about “Bros” is that it’s OK for them to call each other it, but once they get called out, they get defensive and sort of hate you. They kept asking me why they were “Bros” and despite being intoxicated and bitchy, I didn’t have the heart to tell them. Instead, I’ll tell all of you here and hope they never read it:

  1. Everything in bold mentioned above.
  2. They had cardboard sides of Busch Light thirties taped on the kitchen wall.
  3. They yelled and high fived more than anyone should.
  4. They bragged about banging chicks. (All guys do this, but “Bros” are extra douchey because they brag about taking a woman to classy dinner for the sole purpose of “getting it in” and then ignoring her calls after. This was an actual conversation they had with me in the room. WTF?!?)
  5. They got into arguments with each other rather quickly and then got over it by “hugging it out.”
  6. They all owned and wore those trucker hats that Ashton Kutcher made famous.
  7. They listen to house music but also like classic rock more than you do.
  8. There’s always at least one fight to assert their “Bro” alpha-male status.

Right, about that fight part. Well, since no “Bro” ever ends a night without some sort of conflict, Brian Littrell decided to start screaming obscenities at Matt Damon, puff out his chest and head-butt him. Blood was everywhere. Needless to say, my friend and I decided to dip out at that point, ending my first and (hopefully) last “Bro” encounter.

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Filed under Booze

The 5 Different Drunk Girl Stereotypes- WHICH ONE ARE YOU?

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how my guy friends treat me like I’m a dude. If they ever bitch about typical girl behavior, I passionately disagree and say, “OMG who does that?!? I’d never do that! That’s psycho!” and then one of them would say back, “Yah but you’re not like other girls. You don’t count, you’re like a dude.”

I feel flattered by these statements because I don’t consider myself to be very dude-ly, so I must hide the girl-crazy well. I mean, I get obsessive and stage-five  like the next girl, but with my guy friends I must seem pretty laid back and un-crazy. Maybe I dump all of that onto my girlfriends.

I think the craziest of crazy comes out when girls get sloshed. That’s because the portal to absolute-crazy-upon-all-crazy opens when inhibitions are down and emotions run high. I’m surprised my guy friends don’t see this about me, considering I get drunk with them regularly.

Here, I’ve enlisted the help of Ke$ha to illustrate the 5 different (most common) types of crazy drunk girl out there. Ladies, what do you think? Which of these are you? Don’t worry, you can be more than one.

1. The Whore. Every girl has that friend who gets drunk and sleeps with everybody and if you don’t, chances are you’re her! (Good for you! Now go and read “Free Love, People!”)

2. The Crier. Oh God, we’ve all had nights spent vomiting into a sewer drain and crying about that douche that won’t return your calls or texts. Maybe you were The Whore last night and The Crier tonight. Either way, you probably shouldn’t have come out tonight. Next time, buy a bottle of Sutter Home and watch Titanic in your pajamas. That’s what you wanted to do all along, right?

3. The One Who Thinks She’s Helping (AKA The Babysitter). Sometimes there’s this friend that doesn’t realize she’s hammered and takes it upon herself to try to “fix” everybody’s problems. Whether it be comforting The Crier or saving The Whore from another one night stand, she sucks the fun out of every situation because she assumes people should be babysat. Too bad she doesn’t realize that everyone saw her take those Patron shots earlier so they know she’s actually worse off than everyone else there.

4. The Angry Bitch. She’s been pissed off for a while and is looking to dump that onto somebody. She’s the one who will get your group kicked out of the bar because she slapped the guy who jumped in front of her when she was trying to get a drink. She’s like the girl version of Ronnie from the Jersey Shore. She’s got something to prove and she proves it by shitting on people and starting fights.

5. The One Who Thinks She Can Keep Up With The Guys. This is pretty self-explanatory. This type of drunk girl is in denial about her state of sobriety like The Babysitter but suddenly becomes the shitshow under five seconds. All of a sudden she’s puking and everyone is completely unprepared. Sometimes this type can rally and come back for round two, but at least for me, when I’m done I’m done.

Do you agree? Can you think of any more? I’ll admit- I’ve been all of them. Hell, I’ve been most of them in a single night. I just find it odd that my guy friends don’t see this. Maybe I’ve been too sober lately.

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Filed under Booze

Free Love, People!

I recently posted a blog article, “I Don’t Mean to Sound Like a Total Bitch, But…” the other day and it made me start to think about other phrases people use that are vastly ineffective and obviously untrue. One of the best ones is when people say, “I swear to God I NEVER do this!” when they’re having a one-night stand. OK, #1 of course you have! You are not fooling anyone, especially after saying that and #2 who cares, anyways? You might as well just not care if the other person thinks you’re a total whore and just roll with it. You probably won’t ever see them again after that night and chances are you probably won’t even want to anyways. They picked you up from that bar because they thought you were hot and easy, not because you’re good with kids or had a 3.8 GPA at an Ivy League school.

Now, I’m going to sound hypocritical here but I’ve never actually DONE that. Like, I’ve never had a one night stand before. (This is because of years and year of parochial schooling, which I’ll touch upon during a later post. Don’t think that this means I’m all judgmental and bitchy about those who have.) However, if I ever did, I’d never say that “I’ve never done this” phrase because I’d want to play it off all cool like I’m a badass. I’d want them to assume that I’m an amazing super-slut. That way, they wouldn’t worry about me possibly being clingy after and I wouldn’t worry about seeming like a tight-ass. It’d be win-win.

Also, check out this blog article that talks about one night stands, too. It’s hilarious!

Image courtesy of The Frisky

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Filed under Booze, L-O-V-E

Drunk Texting

I’m a drunk texter and I hate it. I can’t even tell you how many Saturday and Sunday mornings I’d wake up saying to myself, “Shit, I can’t believe I texted THAT person! What the fuck did I even SAY?” I’d then backtrack through my entire texting history and realize that I also texted 1,843,232 other people I shouldn’t have.

With such experiences, I’ve come to find that deleting my entire texting history just eliminates the desire to mull over my previous night’s indiscretions. I mean at this point, I’ve said enough embarrassing shit via drunken text so how bad could it actually be? They’re probably drunk, I’m drunk- whatever, right?

However, for some reason, I still sometimes become upset over it. I get flashbacks of the shit I say and inwardly cringe. I think the content itself doesn’t really upset me as much as my ability to use perfect grammar and punctuation while being completely and utterly black-out shit-faced. This stemmed from my desire to have the person figure I’m not THAT drunk. Over the years, I’ve slowly become a master of pristine black-out drunk-text spelling and grammar. This skill has now backfired because I’m quite confident that the receivers of my drunken texts now assume that I’m not drunk at all and would, in fact, soberly say the ridiculous bullshit I drunkenly text.

Currently, I feel as though this drunk-text pendulum needs to swing a wee bit back into the illegible, “I-can’t-even-GUESS-at-what-the-fuck-she-was-trying-to-say” zone. Sometimes I realize this and fuck up some letters and add numbers to let them know I’m not sober. I haven’t consistently been able to master this though. Being drunk makes you forget and being a drunk-texter makes you just want to send the stupid text message out already and be done with it.

I know that some people are just going to say, “Well why do you need to send texts in the first place? Get rid of your phone.” That’s not that easy because A.) drunk texting is an addiction and B.) if you’re lost in a dive bar and two of your friends are about to leave without you, you need your cell phone there to make sure you get that phone call.

Image courtesy of this guy

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Filed under Booze