Tag Archives: celebrity

What Your Reality TV Show Says About YOU

Women love reality television. Whether it be a Bravo cooking show, Real Housewives, Toddlers in Tiaras or Teen Mom, the fairer sex can’t get enough of fake real life. There’s something about watching other people do stupid shit and pretend like it’s completely normal that makes women glued to the tube like stripes on a zebra. Oh, and any woman who says she doesn’t watch reality television is a liar and shouldn’t be trusted. She’s most likely trying to sound more intelligent and intimidating than you. Don’t trust what she says.

Here, I am going to categorize the types of reality television into four different groups and use scientific research to make shallow assumptions about the type of person you are based on your reality TV preference. Ready? Let’s go:

1. Competitive Connie 

Basic Premise of the shows: A lengthy competition with a new challenge each week. One or more contestant is eliminated each week until the final contestant stands and wins something ridiculous like $250,000 and a lap dance.
Real life examples: America’s Next Top Model, Top Chef/Iron Chef, Cupcake Wars, The Amazing Race, The Apprentice, American Idol

What this means: So you’re the most normal category of reality TV watcher. Good for you! There’s enough drama and cut-throat competition in these shows, but you actually end up learning a bit about cooking/cupcakes/modeling/whatever while watching, so it’s not a total waste of time. You are probably very intelligent, adventurous and athletic. A TOTAL catch!

2. Dominique the Diva

Basic Premise of the shows: Quasi-famous people are being followed by cameras 
Real life examples:
Keeping up with the Kardashians, Real Housewives, Basketball Wives, Mob Wives

What this means: So you’re either one of two extremes: a raging bitch or a ditz with five brain cells. Men, stay away.  You are completely undateable. Only upside is that you have a healthy love of justice and equality and know how to stick up for yourself.

3. Self-Esteem Boost Sara

Basic Premise of the shows: Non-famous people being followed by cameras (not to be confused with #2) either because they’re completely ridiculous and don’t realize it or because they’re in a pathetic, shitty situation you’re lucky enough to not have to deal with. 
Real life examples:
Jersey Shore, Teen Mom, Toddlers in Tiaras, Intervention, Hoarders, Judge Judy, Cheaters

What this means: You probably hate the current path their life is going down, so you use reality TV show to reaffirm the idea that, “well, at least I’m not that guy!” into your brain so you feel better about yourself. You’re also a good girl at heart, so watching these shows kinda makes you feel a little BAD, doesn’t it?

4. Romantic Ramona

Basic Premise of the shows: Looking for love! XOXO 
Real life examples
The Bachelorette, The Bachelor, Millionaire Matchmaker, The Challenge: Battle of the Exes

What this means: You want to be swept off your feet (obvi) and you’re either looking for love or in love! You will probably make the greatest girlfriend/housewife ever. You love to cook, clean and cater to your man, but you are a bit emotionally needy.

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June 25, 2012 · 2:44 PM

The 2011 Internet Sensations of Christmas

On the twelfth day of Christmas, 2011 Internet gave to me:

Twelve changes on Facebook

Eleven celeb iPhone hacks

Ten Groupon Getaways

Nine leaked Lohan pics

Eight National Anthem Flubs

Seven Keenan Lipsync vids

Six Plankers Planking

FIVVEE SEAAAATS TO CHOOOSEEE FROMM

Four #winning Interviews

Three Gaddafi death Tweets

Two Texts for Bennett

And Tim “Tebowing” under my tree.

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Filed under Celebrity, Technology

Push Presents: Another Reason Why Being a Lady is Awesome

With all of these prego celebs everywhere I can’t help but feel tempted to jump in on the getting-knocked-up bandwagon. Aside from the fact that I’d have a screaming child to rear, saggy ta-tas, stretchmarks and 20+ extra lbs on my bod, getting pregnant can be pretty advantageous. (For superficial reasons, of course)

The biggest one being the “push present” from my lucky baby daddy. Do you know what a push present is? Wikipedia explains it best, “a present a new father gives a new mother when she gives birth to their child. In practice the present may be given before or after the birth, or even in the delivery room. The giving of push presents has supposedly grown in the United States in recent years.”

I recently learned of this when some mindless tabloid magazine I can’t remember published an article releasing insider details of Jay-Z’s push present for Bey: a Tiffany’s necklace!

Lucky for ‘dad’, I’m not much of a diamond jewelry lady, but I do have expensive taste. I mean, think about it. I’d say my pain-tolerance threshold is at a solid two out of ten, so I wouldn’t settle for anything less than eighty bucks an hour considering I’m not even counting the nine months I’d be carrying the child (and the abuse my body would deal with from the pregnancy, too). Multiply that by the average time labor lasts, which is 13+ hours (thank you, Yahoo! Answers) and you’re looking at a $1040 push present. Just for me!

I know I’m obviously way too immature and selfish for a baby right now so don’t worry, I’m not actually going to go through with this idea. However, I’m bringing this topic up because when the time comes, I’m totally going to be expecting one and you should too, ladies!

Knocked up image courtesy of this site.

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Filed under Celebrity, Family

The 5 Different Drunk Girl Stereotypes- WHICH ONE ARE YOU?

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how my guy friends treat me like I’m a dude. If they ever bitch about typical girl behavior, I passionately disagree and say, “OMG who does that?!? I’d never do that! That’s psycho!” and then one of them would say back, “Yah but you’re not like other girls. You don’t count, you’re like a dude.”

I feel flattered by these statements because I don’t consider myself to be very dude-ly, so I must hide the girl-crazy well. I mean, I get obsessive and stage-five  like the next girl, but with my guy friends I must seem pretty laid back and un-crazy. Maybe I dump all of that onto my girlfriends.

I think the craziest of crazy comes out when girls get sloshed. That’s because the portal to absolute-crazy-upon-all-crazy opens when inhibitions are down and emotions run high. I’m surprised my guy friends don’t see this about me, considering I get drunk with them regularly.

Here, I’ve enlisted the help of Ke$ha to illustrate the 5 different (most common) types of crazy drunk girl out there. Ladies, what do you think? Which of these are you? Don’t worry, you can be more than one.

1. The Whore. Every girl has that friend who gets drunk and sleeps with everybody and if you don’t, chances are you’re her! (Good for you! Now go and read “Free Love, People!”)

2. The Crier. Oh God, we’ve all had nights spent vomiting into a sewer drain and crying about that douche that won’t return your calls or texts. Maybe you were The Whore last night and The Crier tonight. Either way, you probably shouldn’t have come out tonight. Next time, buy a bottle of Sutter Home and watch Titanic in your pajamas. That’s what you wanted to do all along, right?

3. The One Who Thinks She’s Helping (AKA The Babysitter). Sometimes there’s this friend that doesn’t realize she’s hammered and takes it upon herself to try to “fix” everybody’s problems. Whether it be comforting The Crier or saving The Whore from another one night stand, she sucks the fun out of every situation because she assumes people should be babysat. Too bad she doesn’t realize that everyone saw her take those Patron shots earlier so they know she’s actually worse off than everyone else there.

4. The Angry Bitch. She’s been pissed off for a while and is looking to dump that onto somebody. She’s the one who will get your group kicked out of the bar because she slapped the guy who jumped in front of her when she was trying to get a drink. She’s like the girl version of Ronnie from the Jersey Shore. She’s got something to prove and she proves it by shitting on people and starting fights.

5. The One Who Thinks She Can Keep Up With The Guys. This is pretty self-explanatory. This type of drunk girl is in denial about her state of sobriety like The Babysitter but suddenly becomes the shitshow under five seconds. All of a sudden she’s puking and everyone is completely unprepared. Sometimes this type can rally and come back for round two, but at least for me, when I’m done I’m done.

Do you agree? Can you think of any more? I’ll admit- I’ve been all of them. Hell, I’ve been most of them in a single night. I just find it odd that my guy friends don’t see this. Maybe I’ve been too sober lately.

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Filed under Booze

Sexiest Man Alive

Bradley Cooper was just named People’s Sexiest Man Alive and like every prior sexiest man ever, he’s being all shy about it by modestly claiming that he’s not and saying he’s still not comfortable with the whole “heartthrob” title.

This makes me think that everyone in Hollywood either believes we “normal-folk” are stupid enough to assume they don’t have giant egos or are unfamiliar with the general rule that if you’re in movies then you’re attractive. C’mon now. Even the “homely best friend” in romantic comedies is hotter than most of us.

What’s also puzzling about the “Sexiest Man (or woman)” title is that, unless the deemed-sexiest from last year died or somehow drastically altered his appearance, he should still hold the title, right? I mean, Bradley Cooper was alive and looked about the same this time last year, so why wasn’t he “sexiest” then? What did he do over the course of one year to make himself #1? What did #1 from last year do to dethrone himself of that coveted title?

Also, why doesn’t People magazine scour the entire earth for the REAL sexiest man? To me, that’s a bearded Alaskan woodsman who chops entire piles of wood, fist-fights bears and smells of woodchips, not some theatre geek who just happened to get lucky by making it big in Hollywood.

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Filed under Celebrity