Tag Archives: children

To My Family: Stop Inviting Me to Annoying Parties

Nothing grinds my gears more than receiving an obligatory “invitation” from an extended family member to a party SMACK DAB in the MIDDLE of a Saturday or Sunday. Like, hello? It’s my weekend, people. Leave me be.

No I do not care to go to a 2 year old birthday party. He/she won’t remember, anyways. Not to mention the fact that I NEVER SIGNED UP FOR THIS SHIT. I’m a 25 year-old young profesh. I am unmarried and I like to go out and get fucked up every weekend. I can’t even keep my plants alive, goddamn it. NOTHING about my lifestyle even MILDLY suggests that this is my “thing.”

So, fucking calm down and stop inviting me.

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You’re lucky that I show up (severely hung-over) to your baby showers. Or wedding showers. Or eighth grade grad parties. After your first kid, DON’T expect a shower. After you’ve gotten married once, DON’T expect a lavish second wedding. It’s rude and you’re taking advantage of me. Also, if your kid is under, like 12 years of age and is not my niece/nephew/child, WHY ARE YOU INVITING ME?

Like, seriously?

All I have to say is that when my time comes, FUCK all of you. When I get married, I will choose the MOST ANNOYING and inconvenient date to celebrate as my GIANT GRANITE SLAB of KARMA I’m throwing back to ALL OF YOU. Memorial Day weekend? Labor Day? Columbus Day weekend? No, not annoying enough.

I’m going to get married ON THE FOURTH OF JULY. I will renew my vows six months later on CHRISTMAS MORNING. No, actually, BETTER YET- I’m going to get married at 9AM on January 1st- the day of the nation-wide hangover. I am inviting your kids. I will not serve you alcohol.

Because, goddamn it, I am sick of your annoying, inconvenient and presumptuous obligatory invitations to parties for the stupid annoying milestones your kids cross.

Oh, and once I have kids, expect an invitation to an “I’m Potty Trained” party, or a “First Day of First Grade” party. Maybe I’ll even have a “It’s My Half Birthday” party EVERY YEAR in addition to their regular party because I AM SO ANNOYED. Ugh.

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They: WHO are “They”?

Ever since I was a kid, I remember listening to adults say, “Oh, you know what they always say…” followed by some cliche phrase like, “the grass is always greener” or “be careful what you wish for.” At the time, I imagined a conference room somewhere with a group of people in business suits literally sitting down and creating these overused phrases for others to quote.

Years later, I began to realize that “they” are not actual people and just nobody in particular. Yet it’s obvious to assume that “they” had to start somewhere, right? I mean, someone must’ve thought of it, then said it and, of course, the cliche eventually spread. I wonder if one or some of the original “they” phrase people is old, alone and alive somewhere seething with wrath over how he’s not being cited. I know I would be. Maybe that’s why Paris Hilton wanted to copyright the phrase, “That’s hot!” Could you imagine 50 or so years from now people regularly saying, “You know what they always say, that’s hot!” Paris Hilton would be pissed.

Despite not being recognized by the whole of society, I want to start one of those “they” sayings anyways. I want to because someday, maybe I’ll be at a cocktail party or by an office water cooler somewhere when someone repeats my phrase. I’d immediately interject and say, “No ‘they’ never said that. I said it! That was ME!” I’m sure they’d look at me like I was crazy or something, but by that point I’m hoping I’d be famous or of a superior societal importance so I wouldn’t care, really.

Do you have a favorite “they” phrase?

Image courtesy of this random website I found on a google image search.

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