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What is Wrong With Gabby Douglas’ Hair?

This is what I hate about America. Here we have a young 16 YEAR OLD child who sucks less than 90 percent of the idiots on this earth and we choose to pick ONE little thing about her and bitch about it. I’m talking about Gabby Douglas here. You know, the two-time GOLD MEDAL winning Olympic gymnast? We should be bragging about total gymnastics domination over China and Russia. Instead, we’re talking about her hair like it offended someone.

There are a few reasons why this is stupid:

1. It doesn’t look bad. Gabby Douglas’ hair does not look bad. During competition, it was pulled back, out of her face and looked clean and brushed. She could be going to the grocery store, walking to class, eating a Subway sandwich or, I don’t know- WINNING GOLD MEDALS AND BEING AWESOME in this hairstyle. Shut up. (P.S. I know my hostility is unwarranted. Just let me be.)

She’s just wearing the classic slut-bun (which is no indication of whether or not one is a slut. Unless you’re in middle school, though). The slut-bun is used when a female wishes to pull her hair back quickly with minimal effort, so she pulls her hair back into a ponytail and but doesn’t loop the rest of her hair through the last time. It requires no style, attention, or maintenance. Other US gymnasts sported slut-buns:


2. She is not famous for trying to look good. This girl is not going to a movie premiere. She is in the highest level of athletic competition, which means she needs to keep her hair out of her face and focus on WINNING and not falling and dying or becoming permanently paralyzed. Not to mention the fact that her image is not and should not be founded on her looks. Granted, I don’t HATE looking at Ryan Lochte but the guy is not famous for being a hot movie star. This means he doesn’t need to have washboard abs for some movie role, he needs them to help USA dominate the medal stand. Just like Gabby- she’s an athlete not a Ford model. Shut up and sit down.

3. How can we criticize her hair without remembering the gymnasts from the 90’s? Comparatively speaking, girl could walk the red carpet compared to the bangs and scrunchies of the 90s. I don’t even want to get into the whole figure skater hairstyle. Jesus.

    


So, in conclusion, I believe everyone needs to leave Gabby Douglas alone and shut up about her hair. Unless, of course, someone can explain to me WHY this is such a hot conversation topic here because maybe I’m missing something.

 

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Five Ways RomComs Teach You It’s OK to be Psycho

No, this is not a scorned-woman, feminist rant about hating men and hating the portrayal of females in ROM-coms (AKA romantic comedies. Keep up with me, here). Instead, I’m going to expose how ridiculous and stupid the Hollywood ROM-com writers are for actually thinking the average American is going to buy their pukey bullshit and enjoy it. I’ve  comprised a list of FIVE tired ROM-com clichés that I hate the most.  Don’t worry, I used movies as examples to really drive my points home because this blog needs some solid, journalistic evidence.

FYI this is your Spoiler Alert!! (Just kidding on that! I mean, let’s be honest… we all know how it’s going to end from watching the five-second previews). Here goes! Just in time for Valentine’s Day! :

1. Time is a huge factor when it actually isn’t. OK, I want to say that in about 90 percent of ROM-coms, the male or female lead realizes that the other lead character is the one for them when it’s considered “too late” or after they somehow pissed them off. This moment of clarity comes at the most inopportune time ever. Instead of, say, staying for the rest of your own sister’s wedding reception, you decide to dump your nice boyfriend and scour the entire metropolis to find some guy and tell him that you love him. This is someone who lives ACROSS THE HALL from you. I’m talking to you, Ally Darling from What’s Your Number?. Seriously, why can’t you just wait until tomorrow? I don’t know why you decided to RUIN your bridesmaid dress, steal a car and bicycle, break into another wedding reception and interrupt a band from performing. If any woman did that in real life, the guy would think she’s psycho. This is an epic cliché ROM-com FAIL.

2. They’re super-damaged but still considered attractive.  OK, Dating 101: hide your baggage at least until date 5… or 50 for Christ’s sake. Yet, in the wonderful world of ROM-coms, baggage makes you you and is somehow OK to expose when you barely know the other person. It isn’t considered to be a huge turn-off or anything. Seriously? Are you ROM-com writers just telling America to ignore all the red flags? This lighthearted movie can easily turn into an episode of Criminal Minds if it were in the real world! Hate to do this to you, Debra Messing, but Kat in The Wedding Date has NO self-esteem and is so desperate it’s cringe-worthy. Who hires (and uses) a male prostitute to go to her sister’s wedding to get some guy from 1,000 years ago jealous? Let’s move on, girlfriend.

Another example of this is Mila Kunis’ character in Friends With Benefits. She’s more emotionally unavailable than you because no one has ever been treated worse by men than her. You need to feel bad for her and sympathize with her because she has hollow, loveless sex to numb her inadequacy issues. Don’t get pissed at me here, I’m not saying this- JT laid this all down real easy in the movie.

3. They’re the wild, extreme opposites of each other. A common, annoying ROM-com cliché is when two people who are POLAR opposites butt heads and then realize that they like the other person. Hello, The Ugly Truth! She’s a hopeless romantic, and he’s a cynical, superficial womanizer. He has dark hair, she’s a blonde. The only thing they have in common is that they’re both painfully written 2-demensional characters. Yet, somehow they’re able to fall in love and live happily ever after in an assumed long-term, committed relationship.

 

Who could forget this throwback? She’s All That is about a jock who finds the most “unattractive girl” and tries to make her prom queen. Only, she’s not unattractive and he realizes he actually likes her. Could it ever work out between this theatre/art freak and this popular jock? Don’t worry, they end up together.

 4. I hate you but I love you… I love hating you. This tired cliché goes with #3 with the whole butting-heads idea but the characters don’t necessarily have to be opposites, they just have to have an assumed abhorrence for each other. Usually it’s for no good reason. A perfect example is 27 Dresses. Jane can’t stand James until they sing Benny and the Jets together at a dive bar and have blackout sex in a car like it’s Prom night. She starts hating him again the next day when she finds out that his boss published an article about how pathetic she is. Don’t worry, James puts a giant band-aid on the situation when he buys her a Blackberry.

Same idea goes for What Happens in Vegas. Jack and Joy are forced to live together and pretend that it’s difficult to be wicked good-looking and live with someone who’s also wicked good-looking for a month or a year or something. Personally, I’d deal with disgusting pubic hair and dirty couches if it meant I could stare at Ashton Kutcher’s perfectly sculpted abs all day. Suck it up, Cameron Diaz. I’m having a hard time trying to feel bad for you.

5. Cocky man-whore meets girl with morals and eventually falls in love. Oh, what a story for the grandkids! You know, this guy sleeps with everybody because of some later-revealed commitment issue (see #2) but then realizes the error of his ways when he falls in love with a woman who finds him revolting and refuses to bang him. OK, I don’t mean to get all philosophical here but #1 people don’t change and #2 other people don’t make people change, people need to want the change on their own. (Has ANYBODY seen the show Intervention before?) In Catch and Release, Gray doesn’t understand why her late-fiance liked Fritz, whom she catches having an awkward quickie in the bathroom of his wake. She thinks he’s a whorish, womanizing douche-bag until they bang and then fall in love.

Hannah in Crazy Stupid Love refuses to hook up with Jacob when he comes on to her pretty hard at a bar. Solid rejection. The plot progresses as Jacob then has meaningless sex with every other woman in the free world before they meet again at the bar. Instead of sleeping together, they talk and joke and stare at Ryan Gosling’s abs all night and then he eventually realizes that she’s the yin to his yang and he doesn’t want to work the streets anymore.

So there’s my list of tired ROM-com clichés! I know there are millions of others I could have included, but these are the worst. Hollywood, let’s start writing better ROM-coms that don’t suck. Think of some new clichés that our kids and grandkids will bitch and blog about, assuming the whole ROM-com genre doesn’t just go away altogether.

Anything to add? Anything you disagree with? Please tell me your thoughts!!

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Smartphones

I’ve never really been interested in making people jealous by having the latest, greatest version of the newest iThing. In fact, I’ve come to find that people who don’t wait for the sale or price drop are rather sad and pathetic and have nothing more exciting or engaging to look forward to in their lives. The 4S came out recently, and I can say with complete confidence that I couldn’t care less about whether or not I have an app that shows dots on a map telling me where people are. If I really cared, I’d just call people and say “Hey, where are you?” and trust that their responses would be genuine.

The first time I got a non-ghetto flip phone was because it was a free upgrade and I asked the phone-kiosk dude for a phone “with the alphabet buttons.” He looked at me like I was a moron and said, “Uhhh, you mean a keypad?” and then I said, “Don’t be a fucking wise-ass.” (Just kidding, I never said that last part).

At first, I loved this shiny, cool new slick red phone (minus a data plan) but now I’m slowly beginning to realize that it sucks and I should just cave in and get a shinier, cooler smartphone. Phones aren’t phones anymore, and I have to at least be in my 40’s to be able to use that whole “All I do is make calls and get calls- isn’t that what phones are made to do anyways?” stupid-joke response. I’m also not in college anymore so I can’t say, “Oh, I’m a poor college student- I don’t have money for a data plan- it goes to my beer and weed fund.”

In addition to the social stigmas about twenty-somethings being obligated to have a smartphone, here are my practical reasons:

  • I can send and receive approximately five text messages before my phone says that the mailbox is full.
  • Autocorrect. I don’t have that. I know autocorrect sucks sometimes and makes embarrassing corrections but for the majority of times, autocorrect makes texting easier and less annoying.
  •  I’m sick of all the scratches on my screen and having a smartphone would make me care enough to buy that clear sticky stuff to put on it.
  • Angry Birds.
  • I want to be able to talk to my phone and say “Call (so-in-so)” instead of scrolling through my entire address book for fifteen minutes and then skipping over the name and having to go back.
  • Smartphones- specifically iPhones- keep your entire texting conversation and shows both parts of it. My phone only has an inbox and outbox so if I get all creepy and want to mull over a text-message exchange with some dude I’m pathetically pining over, it’s all right there and I don’t need to go back and forth from the inbox to the outbox.

So there you have it.

image courtesy of right here

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