Tag Archives: culture

If You Post These Statuses On Facebook, Chances Are I Hate You

I’m annoyingly overzealous about my Facebook status updates like the next guy, but there are some things that pop up on my newsfeed that I just can’t help but judge people over. So, I’ve compiled a list of EIGHT different Facebook statuses that make me wonder why I ever pressed “Accept:”

  1. “Dear… (1-2 sentence long rant) Sincerely, (Name)”- Anyone who structures a status this way seriously deserves to get punched in the face. I can’t even begin to explain how much these statuses annoy me.
  2.  “Cell’s Good”- Do you really think someone’s going to read your status and say, “Oh wow! This guy just posted a status saying ‘cell’s good!’ He’s so laid-back and easy-going. I’m sure so many people are calling him right now! I’ll go off and shoot this guy a txt.” No. You’re not cool and easygoing. You actually look super desperate for attention. I hope everyone who’s thinking of “txting” or “hitting up” your cell reads your status and then decides not to.
  3. “Boo it’s Monday! EEEK” or “Thank Gawd it’s FRIDAY!”- Newsflash: People have friggen smartphones these days. It takes two seconds to look up the temperature of the water around the Titanic for crying out loud, nevermind checking what friggen-ass day it is.
  4. Laundry list of what to do today- Hey you know what? I’m totally stressed out over all the shit that I need to get done. Do I want to hear about what you have to do? FAHK no! Especially if it’s something stupid like running to the bank or going grocery shopping. Do you really expect a “like” from this status? What kind of reaction are you looking for here? Do you expect a response from people?
  5. Any and all posts about the gym– Good for you! You work out. Why the HELL would anyone on your newsfeed care about how you are going to the gym? It’s a pretty mundane, common occurrence. Unless you’re meeting Barack Obama there or your gym is passing out free 14K gold iPhone covers, no one cares. Oh and we’re not stupid. We all know you’re that recently-single 17-28 year old dude looking to score some A and wants the layyydayyyz to think you have sculpted abs.
  6. “So HUNGOVER! Ugh!”- Are you trying to convince me that you’re cool enough to drink with or something? When I’m hungover, death is so much far up on my shit that the LAST thing I want to do is post a status about it. Instead, I’m crying, puking up bile and experiencing mortifying flashbacks from the night before. Enough, already.
  7. “Soooo Bored!”- Why the hell else do people log into Facebook?
  8. TMI- Please don’t write a status about the following things: your menstrual cycle, when/where you jack off, your colonoscopy, getting tested for STD’s, that fight you had with your boy/girlfriend, your bowel movements and what your sex life is like.
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Filed under Technology

“I Don’t Mean to Sound Like a Total Bitch, But…”

I’ll admit it- I’m guilty of saying this a lot and usually do when I’m gossiping with girl friends. However, I think it’s probably the stupidest statement in the world because usually whenever someone says that, they do sound like a total bitch and prefacing what you’re about to say with it doesn’t make you sound nicer or better. If anything, it makes you sound even bitchier because you know that what you’re going to say is super rude and you choose to say it anyways.

Instead, I think people should just embrace how bitchy and abrasive they are and say everything outright. Our society as a whole has become WAY too sensitive about tip-toeing around people’s feelings anyways, so there’s a good chance that no matter what you say, someone will be offended by it.

Falling victim to using the phrase myself, I know what the intention is upon saying it. You want to avoid apologizing for what you’re about to say after you say it. You want to avoid the drama of pissing someone off by giving it to them straight. Yet, to me,  saying it always backfires and it never has the intended effect.

What if everyone could say whatever they wanted after saying that phrase with no consequence? Could you image what political leaders could do? Barack Obama could be having a presidential debate with the Republican nominee (ahem, Mitt Romney) and just shoot up and say, “Ummm, Mitt, I don’t mean to sound like a total bitch but I just don’t trust you because you’re a Mormon.” I’m sure Mitt would be dumbfounded (and hurt).

I could see it being said at the doctor’s office too, for example. After your cholesterol results come in (and by the way, you’re kind of chunky) your doctor enters into the room while you’re sitting on that table-thingie and says, “Ummm I don’t mean to sound like a total bitch but you could afford to lose a few. Go on a diet or something. Cheetos aren’t a vegetable.”

I’m beginning to slowly realize that saying this phrase could actually contribute with society’s need to feel offended by everything. I mean, sometimes when I’ve said it before, I’ve realized my statement isn’t that bitchy after all. However, because I just used that phrase, the person is mildly pissed off anyways. I think this is because upon hearing “I don’t mean to sound like a bitch, but” a lot of people just automatically brace themselves for a grossly offensive statement.

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Filed under Awkward

Sexiest Man Alive

Bradley Cooper was just named People’s Sexiest Man Alive and like every prior sexiest man ever, he’s being all shy about it by modestly claiming that he’s not and saying he’s still not comfortable with the whole “heartthrob” title.

This makes me think that everyone in Hollywood either believes we “normal-folk” are stupid enough to assume they don’t have giant egos or are unfamiliar with the general rule that if you’re in movies then you’re attractive. C’mon now. Even the “homely best friend” in romantic comedies is hotter than most of us.

What’s also puzzling about the “Sexiest Man (or woman)” title is that, unless the deemed-sexiest from last year died or somehow drastically altered his appearance, he should still hold the title, right? I mean, Bradley Cooper was alive and looked about the same this time last year, so why wasn’t he “sexiest” then? What did he do over the course of one year to make himself #1? What did #1 from last year do to dethrone himself of that coveted title?

Also, why doesn’t People magazine scour the entire earth for the REAL sexiest man? To me, that’s a bearded Alaskan woodsman who chops entire piles of wood, fist-fights bears and smells of woodchips, not some theatre geek who just happened to get lucky by making it big in Hollywood.

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Filed under Celebrity