Tag Archives: dating

J-Man = Jack Daniels

So, one day, I decided to go to a psychic. I think I was feeling crazy about dumb shit going on in my life, whatever, I’d do it again.

I remember the psychic sucked and clearly was pulling shit out of her ass, but she told me that I would meet a man who’s name begins with a “J” and he will be my soul mate and we will ride happily off into the sunset like a magical prince and princess team. She told me two other specific things: I haven’t met him before and we’d meet at a holiday party.

Screen shot 2013-06-05 at 11.16.23 PM

Whatever, lady.

I was fascinated by this, despite the fact that there are like a BAJILLION “J” names, right? Jason, Justin, John, Jacob, Jafar, Jesus, Jose… etc. Does she think I’m completely desperate? Whatever, this game is fun.

So I’m not sorry to admit that I kind of fell for it. The holidays were only a month or so away, so I wanted to test this thing out. I was intrigued. My friends and I pegged him “J-Man” and we started acting really creepy over the possibilities.

Possible J- Man #1: Jacob
Does his name begin with a J? Yes
Had I met him before? No
Were we at a holiday party? No
This guy looked somewhat promising. Some friends and I were vacationing in VT for a long weekend. This guy was a friend of a friend I never met before. He wore flannel. He had a scruff beard. I was about to see him as a possibility, until some desperate biddy got all up in his chain and started hitting on him. I think her name was Amanda and she did the flirt-girl laugh. Not J-man. Or, maybe he was her J-man for the night.

hahahaha

Possible J-Man #2: John
Does his name begin with a J? Yes
Had I met him before? No
Were we at a holiday party? No
Another friend of a friend. Bitched to him about another guy. What’s wrong with me?

Possible J-Man #3: Sean
Does his name begin with a J? No
Had I met him before? Yes
Were we at a holiday party? No
This guy was a former co-worker and his name did NOT start with a J. OBVIOUSLY a no-go. Got the friend vibe. Whatever, this story’s boring.

muahhaha

Possible J-Man #4: Mike
Does his name begin with a J? No
Had I met him before? Briefly one time
Were we at a holiday party? YES
Mike and I were at an ugly sweater party. I was rockin’ the Bill Cosby, Mike was rockin’ the Snowman sweater vest. I made a joke about how he was wearing a turtleneck. He told me he liked turtlenecks. I think turtlenecks are emasculating. I prefer men that wear shirts showing chest hair.

Screen shot 2013-06-05 at 11.21.10 PM

Actual J-Man: Jack Daniels
Does his name begin with a J? Yes
Had I met him before? Many times
Were we at a holiday party? Are birthdays considered holidays?
One night, right around the most stressful time in a law student’s life (finals), I went into total drunk betch phase at someone else’s birthday celebration because I suck and I’m an attention whore. I was texting all the boiz. I was buying tequila shots. I was reaching over the counter of the bar to steal those giant olives because I was drunkgry. I was yelling and bitching and being a total obnoxious mess.

It was because of J-Man, you know, Jack Daniels. Have you met him? He’s a creepy little fuck. You start your night with ONE Jackie and ginge and before you know it you’re telling the cab driver you’re going to puke and then you bring a bowl to bed so you can puke all over yourself ALL DAY until your ONLY ONE TRUE FRIEND brings you McDonalds and forces you to keep your food down.

After that brief fling with Jackie D, I called it quits with him for a long while. I ignored his seething glare in the liquor store.  I walked right by when I saw him, half-opened, by my liquor cabinet. We were on a break.

We’re on better terms now, but I still get that puke-mouth taste whenever I sip down some Jackie D.

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Filed under Booze, Uncategorized

I Hope My Husband’s Not the Creepy Uncle

With Thanksgiving around the corner, I’ve been thinking a lot about family, which got me thinking of stereotypes. When people are stereotyping families, they always include the Creepy Uncle on the list. This made me realize that I don’t have one. There is NO Creepy Uncle in my family.

I know that I shouldn’t be upset by this, but in having multiple Creepy-Uncle-free generations, it’s only natural to conclude that my generation may be due to reap one. My siblings and many cousins are already paired off and I see no sign of Creepy Uncle with them. Does this mean my husband will be him then? Is my future husband- wherever he may be- the newest Creepy Uncle? God, I hope not.

I feel as though women may be able to figure whether or not a potential suitor is Creepy Uncle material. Here are some solid indicators:

  1. Is he a big drinker? Creepy Uncles always get too drunk and rowdy so chances are, if your man drinks then he could start getting awkward at family functions. This sucks for me because I tend to be attracted to dudes who drink a lot. I’ll have to watch out on this one.
  2. Is he a manwhore? Creepy Uncles have probably been around the block a couple times (hence #3).
  3. Is he agressive? The Creepy Uncle will definitely hit on all of your relatives, so I’m sure that during courting, he’d be way forward and touchy-feely. Lucky for me, I have personal-space issues so I hate guys that are like that.
  4. Is he childish? Creepy Uncles have probably been coddled by their parents and expect people to do everything for them. They pick on the little kids and think that it’s funny when it’s actually super annoying. I would never tolerate this behavior.

So there’s my list for all of you single ladies. I wish a non-Creepy-Uncle-husband for all of you.

Image: SNL “Creep”

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My Secret Mortal Enemy

So there’s this girl I went to high school with that I’ve been enemies with for a while but I’m fairly certain she has no idea. I hated her when we were in high school because she’s one of those well-liked girls that no one could ever say anything bad about but was also talented in other areas and got attention for it. Don’t confuse her as being one of the cool “popular” high school people because my school was way too lame to have any of those (although some people thought they were), and I definitely would never find myself envious of such vile creatures anyways.

I think a huge reason why I hated her is because we were both trying to tap into the Rock-band-Hockey-Player-High-School-Guy dating demographic and she was much more successful at it than I ever was. In high school, I was pretty fun and had friends but I was definitely awkward about dating and flirting. She, on the other hand, had hot boyfriends and boys in every class pining for her affections. I was just a stupid hot mess who’d fall asleep in class because I always rolled out of bed 10 minutes before I had to leave the house.

Just recently, when I was on Facebook secretly resenting her, I realized that my hatred for her is completely ungrounded. She has literally never said anything offensive to or about me or anyone I love and protect. So why do I STILL hate her? I was with a friend at the time and asked her if she had a Secret Mortal Enemy too, and she told me she had a couple. Could you believe that? Multiple Secret Mortal Enemies? That must be difficult to keep up with!

That made me begin to think about how someone might secretly hate me or resent me for no apparent reason, too. I might be someone else’s Secret Mortal Enemy- I’d have no idea! At first I was upset and scared by this but then I realized that I hope someone does secretly hate me for no reason. That means that there’s something way cool about me that they wished they had.

Do you have a Secret Mortal Enemy?

Image courtesy of a quick google image search of “haters”

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Free Love, People!

I recently posted a blog article, “I Don’t Mean to Sound Like a Total Bitch, But…” the other day and it made me start to think about other phrases people use that are vastly ineffective and obviously untrue. One of the best ones is when people say, “I swear to God I NEVER do this!” when they’re having a one-night stand. OK, #1 of course you have! You are not fooling anyone, especially after saying that and #2 who cares, anyways? You might as well just not care if the other person thinks you’re a total whore and just roll with it. You probably won’t ever see them again after that night and chances are you probably won’t even want to anyways. They picked you up from that bar because they thought you were hot and easy, not because you’re good with kids or had a 3.8 GPA at an Ivy League school.

Now, I’m going to sound hypocritical here but I’ve never actually DONE that. Like, I’ve never had a one night stand before. (This is because of years and year of parochial schooling, which I’ll touch upon during a later post. Don’t think that this means I’m all judgmental and bitchy about those who have.) However, if I ever did, I’d never say that “I’ve never done this” phrase because I’d want to play it off all cool like I’m a badass. I’d want them to assume that I’m an amazing super-slut. That way, they wouldn’t worry about me possibly being clingy after and I wouldn’t worry about seeming like a tight-ass. It’d be win-win.

Also, check out this blog article that talks about one night stands, too. It’s hilarious!

Image courtesy of The Frisky

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Filed under Booze, L-O-V-E

If You Wear Padded Bras You’re a Liar

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that men probably don’t really like padded bras as much as they think that they do. I know that models from Victoria’s Secret runway shows may tell you otherwise, but to me, wearing a padded bra seems less moral than cheating on an exam. This is because I don’t think it’s fair to put the illusion of something out there when you know that you physically can’t follow through.

Being a C cup girl myself, I guess I don’t get it. I don’t need that extra “reinforcement” because my boobs (breasts? tits? I don’t know) at least won’t disappoint a guy. I mean, even if my boob were wicked disgusting and weird looking, I don’t think most guys would have a problem with them because they’re a reasonable size. However, if I were an A cup, I still would never wear a padded bra because it’s dishonest. Granted, the illusion of big tits will definitely get you somewhere, but explaining how small they actually are just doesn’t seem worth it to me. I mean, if things ever get to “that point” with a guy, he’s most likely going to be disappointed if you’ve been lying the whole time, right? You might as well just lay that shit down right away before it could begin to get complicated. Instead of lying, just embrace your mosquito bites and roll with it.

I know that looks aren’t everything (even though they are) but if you happen attract a “boob” man, he’s going to probably get upset if you ever hook up, even though you might not notice. Instead, you should un-pad your bra and focus on some other physical attribute to rope in a man. (I know some people will say that personality should shine through but they’re just naive) That way, you won’t falsely entrap a “boob man” because of your padded, pushed-up boobs and instead might attract a different sort of man that’s all about something else you have to offer.

Small boobs aren’t a bad thing. In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s in style these days. I know that jogging and playing volleyball would be a lot easier without them and that’s from personal experience. Small-boobed ladies don’t know how good they have it too because they don’t have to worry about sag or wrinkles down the line. Plus, once they have kids they’ll most likely grow bigger, but by that point I’m sure they’ll resolve to letting themselves go anyways so it wouldn’t matter all that much (at least that’s what my plan is).

Anyways, padded bras need to become a thing of the past because as a woman, I don’t think it’s fair for men to be confused. I hope small-breasted women everywhere begin to realize this and embrace the small boobs they have or get a boob job or something.

Image courtesy of this place. To me, it’s an example of an honest, acceptable bra, right?

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