Tag Archives: drunk

The Ten Things All Drunk Girls Say In Bar Bathrooms

This is what guys think all girls do in bathrooms. (Normal ones don't)

This weekend, I befriended a bar bathroom cleaning lady while I was out boozing in Providence. She was a sweet, little thing, although I’m sure that my loud, drunken presence was more terrifying than friendly to her. Also, I don’t think she knew English very well, but she could’ve just been confused by my slurring.

Anyways, somehow we got to talking about what goes on in the bathrooms at bars. What shit has this lady seen? (Not literally, you’re gross.) Eventually, we got to talking about the typical phrases drunk betchez say that she hears over and over and over again. I since blacked most of them out, which sucks because they were good. I still have some good ones, though, don’t worry.

If you’re a guy and you’ve spent your entire life wondering what girls say and do in restroom packs, lucky you! This list is a clue into what actually goes on in there. You’re welcome, really.

Courtesy of This SITE via random google search

Waiting in line to pee:

  • “I have to pee so bad I’m going to explode!”
  •  “OMG did someone fart? It literally smells like ass right here.”
  • “My feet are KILLING me! I’m gonna take them off. Should I take them off? OK I’m still gonna.”
  • “I’m sweating SO BAD! Can you see my pit sweat? It’s noticeable, isn’t it?”

While peeing in different stalls:

  • “OMG DON’T text him! Do I need to take your phone?”
  • “Are you ok? Are you puking in there?”

While washing hands and getting ready to leave:

  • “OMG! Do you hear that? We gotta get out my songs on!!”
  • “Are you sure I look OK?”
  • “I’m gonna flirt with that guy to make him jealous!”
  • “Am I acting clingy? Should we have a signal for it once I do?”

So, what do you think? Am I spot-on? Are these typical bathroom sayings? I think so. I mean, it all comes straight from the source. My new BFF bathroom attendant agrees with my list one hundred percent. See? I’m getting so good with this whole blogging thing now. I feel like a real journalist.

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Drunk Texting

I’m a drunk texter and I hate it. I can’t even tell you how many Saturday and Sunday mornings I’d wake up saying to myself, “Shit, I can’t believe I texted THAT person! What the fuck did I even SAY?” I’d then backtrack through my entire texting history and realize that I also texted 1,843,232 other people I shouldn’t have.

With such experiences, I’ve come to find that deleting my entire texting history just eliminates the desire to mull over my previous night’s indiscretions. I mean at this point, I’ve said enough embarrassing shit via drunken text so how bad could it actually be? They’re probably drunk, I’m drunk- whatever, right?

However, for some reason, I still sometimes become upset over it. I get flashbacks of the shit I say and inwardly cringe. I think the content itself doesn’t really upset me as much as my ability to use perfect grammar and punctuation while being completely and utterly black-out shit-faced. This stemmed from my desire to have the person figure I’m not THAT drunk. Over the years, I’ve slowly become a master of pristine black-out drunk-text spelling and grammar. This skill has now backfired because I’m quite confident that the receivers of my drunken texts now assume that I’m not drunk at all and would, in fact, soberly say the ridiculous bullshit I drunkenly text.

Currently, I feel as though this drunk-text pendulum needs to swing a wee bit back into the illegible, “I-can’t-even-GUESS-at-what-the-fuck-she-was-trying-to-say” zone. Sometimes I realize this and fuck up some letters and add numbers to let them know I’m not sober. I haven’t consistently been able to master this though. Being drunk makes you forget and being a drunk-texter makes you just want to send the stupid text message out already and be done with it.

I know that some people are just going to say, “Well why do you need to send texts in the first place? Get rid of your phone.” That’s not that easy because A.) drunk texting is an addiction and B.) if you’re lost in a dive bar and two of your friends are about to leave without you, you need your cell phone there to make sure you get that phone call.

Image courtesy of this guy

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