Tag Archives: entertainment

Awkward Search Terms

So, I’m unsure if this is illegal or invading people’s privacy somehow, but I’ve decided to share a list of weird search terms people use to find my blog. You know? What people google to get here. I have a ginormous list of odd, odd search terms that I laugh at daily.

The weird thing about checking out my blog stats is that I actually can’t find many normal search terms that people used to get here. All of them are just bizarre. Like, no one just googles normal shit anymore.

MY #1 SEARCH TERM

The number 1 search term used to generate hits on my blog is “tebow stance” with 61 hits. This doesn’t include these other search terms that made the top ten: “tim tebow stance”, “origin of tebowing”, “history of tebowing”, and “tebowing”. There are a million more further down the list as well.

People love their TEBOW!

The number 2 search term isssssssss:

“Tampon”

Tampon? Seriously, people? Who Googles “tampon”? Why? This doesn’t make sense. I don’t normally write about tampons, either. I guess it’s bizarre I have a tampon post on here “The Tampon and Diaper Aisle at CVS” in the first place, so I’m just as weird as the people that search “tampon” on the internet.

And then here are some runner-ups:

“Kesha drunk” at #3

Annnnnddddd “cat fight sounds” at #4…

With “drunk girl stereotypes” rounding off the top five…

Here are some unexplainable, disturbing search terms (in no particular order):

  • “drunk girl shits herself” (Huh? Why? Gross!)
  • “movie about mouth and butt” (Is this a Human Centipede reference? Do I want to know?)
  • “funny turd pictures”
  • “punishment ritual”
  • “womens in leggings pants fuck”
  • “my husband is creepy”
  • “diaper tampon” (do they exist?!!?)
  • “drunk babysitters”

Here are some funny, random ones:

  • “american horror story drinking game” (I would love to play this! I LOVE THAT SHOW)
  • “melissa joan hart leggings”
  • “rihanna yells not sings” (I shit you not…. someone out there gets me)
  • “is calling someone a turd bad” (I don’t seem to think so!)

The number 1 combination of weird and crazy search term issssssssss:

“girl have 2 pussy”

Yes, this actually exists. I won’t lie, I googled it after this. Yes, I was concerned that my search would reap millions of porn sites, but it was worth investigating.

Apparently there are women out there that have TWO vaginas. NOT ONE but TWO. Uno, dos.

This obviously is a topic for an entire new blog post, but this search term is perplexing to me for two distinct reasons:

  1. How did this search term lead to my site?!!?
  2. HOW DOES SOMEONE HAVE TWO VAGINAS?

I’ll leave you with that to ponder. I’m too busy looking up more information about this on the internet. Oh, and if I mentioned one of your search terms here, comment! Say hello!

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Five Ways RomComs Teach You It’s OK to be Psycho

No, this is not a scorned-woman, feminist rant about hating men and hating the portrayal of females in ROM-coms (AKA romantic comedies. Keep up with me, here). Instead, I’m going to expose how ridiculous and stupid the Hollywood ROM-com writers are for actually thinking the average American is going to buy their pukey bullshit and enjoy it. I’ve  comprised a list of FIVE tired ROM-com clichés that I hate the most.  Don’t worry, I used movies as examples to really drive my points home because this blog needs some solid, journalistic evidence.

FYI this is your Spoiler Alert!! (Just kidding on that! I mean, let’s be honest… we all know how it’s going to end from watching the five-second previews). Here goes! Just in time for Valentine’s Day! :

1. Time is a huge factor when it actually isn’t. OK, I want to say that in about 90 percent of ROM-coms, the male or female lead realizes that the other lead character is the one for them when it’s considered “too late” or after they somehow pissed them off. This moment of clarity comes at the most inopportune time ever. Instead of, say, staying for the rest of your own sister’s wedding reception, you decide to dump your nice boyfriend and scour the entire metropolis to find some guy and tell him that you love him. This is someone who lives ACROSS THE HALL from you. I’m talking to you, Ally Darling from What’s Your Number?. Seriously, why can’t you just wait until tomorrow? I don’t know why you decided to RUIN your bridesmaid dress, steal a car and bicycle, break into another wedding reception and interrupt a band from performing. If any woman did that in real life, the guy would think she’s psycho. This is an epic cliché ROM-com FAIL.

2. They’re super-damaged but still considered attractive.  OK, Dating 101: hide your baggage at least until date 5… or 50 for Christ’s sake. Yet, in the wonderful world of ROM-coms, baggage makes you you and is somehow OK to expose when you barely know the other person. It isn’t considered to be a huge turn-off or anything. Seriously? Are you ROM-com writers just telling America to ignore all the red flags? This lighthearted movie can easily turn into an episode of Criminal Minds if it were in the real world! Hate to do this to you, Debra Messing, but Kat in The Wedding Date has NO self-esteem and is so desperate it’s cringe-worthy. Who hires (and uses) a male prostitute to go to her sister’s wedding to get some guy from 1,000 years ago jealous? Let’s move on, girlfriend.

Another example of this is Mila Kunis’ character in Friends With Benefits. She’s more emotionally unavailable than you because no one has ever been treated worse by men than her. You need to feel bad for her and sympathize with her because she has hollow, loveless sex to numb her inadequacy issues. Don’t get pissed at me here, I’m not saying this- JT laid this all down real easy in the movie.

3. They’re the wild, extreme opposites of each other. A common, annoying ROM-com cliché is when two people who are POLAR opposites butt heads and then realize that they like the other person. Hello, The Ugly Truth! She’s a hopeless romantic, and he’s a cynical, superficial womanizer. He has dark hair, she’s a blonde. The only thing they have in common is that they’re both painfully written 2-demensional characters. Yet, somehow they’re able to fall in love and live happily ever after in an assumed long-term, committed relationship.

 

Who could forget this throwback? She’s All That is about a jock who finds the most “unattractive girl” and tries to make her prom queen. Only, she’s not unattractive and he realizes he actually likes her. Could it ever work out between this theatre/art freak and this popular jock? Don’t worry, they end up together.

 4. I hate you but I love you… I love hating you. This tired cliché goes with #3 with the whole butting-heads idea but the characters don’t necessarily have to be opposites, they just have to have an assumed abhorrence for each other. Usually it’s for no good reason. A perfect example is 27 Dresses. Jane can’t stand James until they sing Benny and the Jets together at a dive bar and have blackout sex in a car like it’s Prom night. She starts hating him again the next day when she finds out that his boss published an article about how pathetic she is. Don’t worry, James puts a giant band-aid on the situation when he buys her a Blackberry.

Same idea goes for What Happens in Vegas. Jack and Joy are forced to live together and pretend that it’s difficult to be wicked good-looking and live with someone who’s also wicked good-looking for a month or a year or something. Personally, I’d deal with disgusting pubic hair and dirty couches if it meant I could stare at Ashton Kutcher’s perfectly sculpted abs all day. Suck it up, Cameron Diaz. I’m having a hard time trying to feel bad for you.

5. Cocky man-whore meets girl with morals and eventually falls in love. Oh, what a story for the grandkids! You know, this guy sleeps with everybody because of some later-revealed commitment issue (see #2) but then realizes the error of his ways when he falls in love with a woman who finds him revolting and refuses to bang him. OK, I don’t mean to get all philosophical here but #1 people don’t change and #2 other people don’t make people change, people need to want the change on their own. (Has ANYBODY seen the show Intervention before?) In Catch and Release, Gray doesn’t understand why her late-fiance liked Fritz, whom she catches having an awkward quickie in the bathroom of his wake. She thinks he’s a whorish, womanizing douche-bag until they bang and then fall in love.

Hannah in Crazy Stupid Love refuses to hook up with Jacob when he comes on to her pretty hard at a bar. Solid rejection. The plot progresses as Jacob then has meaningless sex with every other woman in the free world before they meet again at the bar. Instead of sleeping together, they talk and joke and stare at Ryan Gosling’s abs all night and then he eventually realizes that she’s the yin to his yang and he doesn’t want to work the streets anymore.

So there’s my list of tired ROM-com clichés! I know there are millions of others I could have included, but these are the worst. Hollywood, let’s start writing better ROM-coms that don’t suck. Think of some new clichés that our kids and grandkids will bitch and blog about, assuming the whole ROM-com genre doesn’t just go away altogether.

Anything to add? Anything you disagree with? Please tell me your thoughts!!

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Stop yelling, Rihanna. We can hear you.

This is my open letter to Rihanna:

Dear Rihanna (Or is it Rhianna? Whatever),

I really want to like you. I think it’s cool that you were born in Barbados and have obviously unnatural red frizzy curly hair that works for you and looks really good. I’m from the boring suburbs and red does not go well with my skin tone. This makes me jealous of you but in a friendly, amicable way. I also like your neat tattoos and perfect skin tone. Also, didn’t you just get sexiest woman alive or something? Good for you! I mean it.

Now Rihanna, there are a few things I don’t like about you. The biggest problem I have is is that you yell-sing. Yell-singing is when someone yells and tries to pass it off as singing. You do this in your song, “Only Girl In The World.” It starts out really slow and calm and then BAM you just start YELL-singing and I don’t know what to do with it. We can hear you. I don’t know why you have to start yelling. It seriously feels like you’re yelling AT me and I just can’t think of anything I could say to make it stop.

Fast-forward to the one-minute mark:

Rihanna, sometimes, listening to your music makes me feel anxious aside from your yell-singing. Sometimes the content of your songs upsets me. For example, “Rude Boy.” First of all, you relentlessly say “call me rude boy-boy” multiple times and then ask a number of personal, probing questions in a row. No one has time to answer that quickly. Secondly, your question is very rude and you know it. If I were a man and a woman asked me that, I would be very offended. It would hurt my feelings! I mean, what if he wasn’t up to your standards, RiRi? Would you be prepared to listen to a guy say, “Um, actually Rihanna it’s not that impressive. Don’t waste your time”? Probably a huge awkward letdown.

Now, I have “We Found Love” on constant repeat these days. I’m getting cautiously optimistic that you’ve outgrown this yell-sing habit and have also gotten over your need to ask probing questions indiscreetly. Remember, I want to like you.

Sincerely,

Daisy

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The 2011 Internet Sensations of Christmas

On the twelfth day of Christmas, 2011 Internet gave to me:

Twelve changes on Facebook

Eleven celeb iPhone hacks

Ten Groupon Getaways

Nine leaked Lohan pics

Eight National Anthem Flubs

Seven Keenan Lipsync vids

Six Plankers Planking

FIVVEE SEAAAATS TO CHOOOSEEE FROMM

Four #winning Interviews

Three Gaddafi death Tweets

Two Texts for Bennett

And Tim “Tebowing” under my tree.

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A Brief History of Tebowing

Tebow in the classic Tebow stance

Most scholars assume that the act of “Tebowing” originates with Tim Tebow, NFL quarterback and God-fearing Christian  known for going down on one knee to pray before, during and after games. Like planking, the act of “Tebowing” is now spiking in popularity on the internet, with photos of people “Tebowing” in various places and situations being uploaded constantly.

Now, despite the sudden surge of “Tebowing” popularity, this practice can actually be traced back as early as the fifth dynasty of Egypt, with the origin of Isis, the goddess of motherhood, magic and fertility.

Her early “Tebowing” technique varies greatly from Tim Tebow’s modern take because her bird-wing arms are extended, her head is looking straight forward and she is sitting on her heel.

This practice of “Tebowing” will not be seen again until the year Jesus is born. According to Christian tradition, wisemen and shepherds follow a bright star to “Tebow” in front of the baby Jesus and show reverence for God’s only Son. Unlike Isis’ early “Tebowing” technique, you begin to see some of the more modern “Tebowing” elements: arms are close to the chest and the head is facing downward.

Fast-forward to the ninth century and “Tebowing” surges in popularity again with the “Dvarapala,” or gate-guardian warriors seen in Hindu and Buddhist cultures.

What we now recognize as modern “Tebowing” is believed to have started from the “The Thinker,” a marble and bronze sculpture by Auguste Rodin, completed in 1902.

The end of World War II made “Tebowing” finally popular again with countless memorial statues using this pose:

            

Some liberal scholars believe that “Tebowing” is actually synonymous with the act of kneeling, which is defined by Wikipedia as “a human position in which the weight is distributed on the knees and feet on a surface close to horizontal.”

This new school theory, however, is highly criticized and unanimously rejected by the “Tebowing” Traditionalist school of thought.

Thanks Wikipedia, for letting me rip off some information from you. 

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“Bro” Encounters of the “Broseph” Kind

Every girl should have at least one obnoxious “Bro” night and this past Friday I got mine over with. My BFF and I went out in Boston, which happens to be Bro-capital of not only the United States but the entire universe. I know that different regions of the universe have different definitions of what “Bros” are, but mine is the only right one because it matches the best-voted definition on Urban Dictionary:

I crossed out the word “rugby” because it’s the best sport ever. “Bros” would never have big enough balls to be ruggers. FACT.

Boston is “Bro” -nation not only because of the rich-kid college scene but because of its proximity to Fenway Park, Cape Cod, Nantucket and Newport, Rhode Island, which are the only “red” areas in the predominantly “blue” state of Massachusetts. (I know Rhode Island is its own state, but sometimes it doesn’t feel that way.)

Anyways, I’ll get back on track.  My friend and I were dancing when Brian Littrell’s doppleganger started to white-guy dance with us. I noticed some solid “Bro” indicators immediately: classic good looks, a pastel buttoned-down Oxford, a pair of aviator sunglasses (Hello? It’s December!) and the inability to fake sobriety.

Now, despite living in Brosephotamia, I don’t dig “Bros.” I find them updatable and I respect my Dad too much to ever bring one home to meet him. My friend, however, was in heaven. Brian Littrell seemed to dig her too, so I knew it was only a matter of time before I had to play wingman and  flirt with one of his “Bros” because I’m a good friend.

I met Jason Segal, Marty McFly and Matt Damon. I mean, I didn’t actually meet them, but those are the celebrities his friends most closely resembled and I want to give a visual here. I kind of started hitting it off with Marty McFly. Now, I want to make it clear that I nicknamed him Marty McFly not only because he has the same haircut, but because he was wearing one of those bubble jackets resembling Marty McFly’s orange vest. This is another “Bro” indicator. 

Hey Biff, get a load of this guy's life preserver. Dork thinks he's gonna drown.

We chatted and old-people danced for a while. He bought me a drink, which was surprisingly un-Bro-like. I mean, aren’t “Bros” spoiled rich boys who expected to be waited on? Maybe I was wrong my whole life. Seemed gentlemanly.

This image was shattered once Marty McFly started to get all roid-rage on some nice hippie I was making polite conversation with. I guess I’m his property now.

Anyways, the night progressed and we decided to go back to their apartment. I agreed to do so for journalistic purposed only. I’ll admit- I was kind of intrigued. It was like watching the National Geographic channel.

Since I was drunk and I’m mean when I’m drunk, I decided to tell these “Bros” they’re “Bros.” Funny thing about “Bros” is that it’s OK for them to call each other it, but once they get called out, they get defensive and sort of hate you. They kept asking me why they were “Bros” and despite being intoxicated and bitchy, I didn’t have the heart to tell them. Instead, I’ll tell all of you here and hope they never read it:

  1. Everything in bold mentioned above.
  2. They had cardboard sides of Busch Light thirties taped on the kitchen wall.
  3. They yelled and high fived more than anyone should.
  4. They bragged about banging chicks. (All guys do this, but “Bros” are extra douchey because they brag about taking a woman to classy dinner for the sole purpose of “getting it in” and then ignoring her calls after. This was an actual conversation they had with me in the room. WTF?!?)
  5. They got into arguments with each other rather quickly and then got over it by “hugging it out.”
  6. They all owned and wore those trucker hats that Ashton Kutcher made famous.
  7. They listen to house music but also like classic rock more than you do.
  8. There’s always at least one fight to assert their “Bro” alpha-male status.

Right, about that fight part. Well, since no “Bro” ever ends a night without some sort of conflict, Brian Littrell decided to start screaming obscenities at Matt Damon, puff out his chest and head-butt him. Blood was everywhere. Needless to say, my friend and I decided to dip out at that point, ending my first and (hopefully) last “Bro” encounter.

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“Grinding” = The Worst Invention Ever

One of the worst, pit-in-your-stomach type of moments for me is when I’m out dancing with the girlfranz and some dude comes up behind me and starts to “grind” with me. It’s very bothersome not only because I don’t know what this guy looks like or who he even is, but also because nothing makes me feel like more of a skank than a guy thinking it’s OK to swish his dick up against my ass.

I just want to turn around and say, “Hey! Can’t you introduce yourself to me first? Shouldn’t you ask me for permission? Why are you dancing like you’re blocking for basketball?”

I’ve never said any of those things. Usually, I feel bad and “grind” for a solid 2.5-3 minutes until I “have to go to the bathroom” or “have to find my friend who’s missing.”

I want to meet the person who invented grinding and then ask them why. Why did you come up with this idea? Why are you doing this to me? What is so bad about normal dancing? I mean, not only is grinding not attractive by any means and under all circumstances (aside from Nelly’s “Hot in Herre” music video), but it’s also very invasive. You’re literally pushing your junk into someone’s butt and then swaying back and forth. In a public setting!

Nothing is more awkward to me than trying to escape a grind-attack from behind. I’m sure some people will think I’m a tight-ass or a grandma here. Does anyone agree with me? What are some of your grind-avoiding techniques?

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