Tag Archives: Fashion

Bad Fashion: The “Hotness” Test

Have you ever seen a new fashion trend and said “What the fuck?” to yourself? The fashion industry comes out with something new or recycles some style from the 90’s that makes you look like you’re walking around with a load in your pants. I’m taking about Kelly Kapowski acid-washed high-cropped jeans or those Jasmine harem pants or overalls or anything that makes you look like you weigh 500 lbs more than you actually do. I want to know what runs through someone’s head when they’re considering purchasing them, don’t you?

I mean, what the fuck? How can you think the illusion of a droopy crotch is sexy? When looking at a woman wearing Kelly Kapowski jeans, what man says to himself, “Hmmm she’s so sexy. I can’t wait to unzip that unreasonably long zipper covering her foopa to reveal those granny panties underneath. YUMMY”? No man. NO ONE!

Now, I have this theory. Many people assume that the women who buy into these hideous styles are trying to be trendy. This makes sense because they’re usually out at parties in the city with flatironed hair and tons of colorful makeup on. However, I DON’T BELIEVE THIS IS TRUE. My theory is that the joke is on all of us. They think they’re hot shit and know their pants are ugly as fuck but figure, “Hey, if I can go out and get laid wearing these heinous pants, I’m a fucking goddess.”

Am I right here? I mean, if you can get laid wearing harem pants, then you must have a pretty attractive face and a body to die for. If I were a man, it would take a lot for me to look past that.  You’d have to look like Megan Fox or something.

Maybe I’ll take this theory a bit further. Maybe it isn’t the women themselves fucking with us, but the higher-ups in fashion. They sit together and come up with these trends to challenge all the young ladies out there that think they’re hot shit. It’s some unwritten and understood agreement.These fashion moguls are like, “Hey, NYC babe, you think you’re sexy, huh? Try getting laid in these vintage floral mom jeans. Muahahahha!” And these twenty-somethings everywhere collectively sign whilst saying, “Challenge accepted.” Then they go out, buy the ugliest new trendy snow pants they can find, wear them out that Saturday night and don’t stop droppin’ it like it’s hot until some hipster buys them a PBR. It’s the ultimate way to test how hot you really are.

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If You Wear Padded Bras You’re a Liar

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that men probably don’t really like padded bras as much as they think that they do. I know that models from Victoria’s Secret runway shows may tell you otherwise, but to me, wearing a padded bra seems less moral than cheating on an exam. This is because I don’t think it’s fair to put the illusion of something out there when you know that you physically can’t follow through.

Being a C cup girl myself, I guess I don’t get it. I don’t need that extra “reinforcement” because my boobs (breasts? tits? I don’t know) at least won’t disappoint a guy. I mean, even if my boob were wicked disgusting and weird looking, I don’t think most guys would have a problem with them because they’re a reasonable size. However, if I were an A cup, I still would never wear a padded bra because it’s dishonest. Granted, the illusion of big tits will definitely get you somewhere, but explaining how small they actually are just doesn’t seem worth it to me. I mean, if things ever get to “that point” with a guy, he’s most likely going to be disappointed if you’ve been lying the whole time, right? You might as well just lay that shit down right away before it could begin to get complicated. Instead of lying, just embrace your mosquito bites and roll with it.

I know that looks aren’t everything (even though they are) but if you happen attract a “boob” man, he’s going to probably get upset if you ever hook up, even though you might not notice. Instead, you should un-pad your bra and focus on some other physical attribute to rope in a man. (I know some people will say that personality should shine through but they’re just naive) That way, you won’t falsely entrap a “boob man” because of your padded, pushed-up boobs and instead might attract a different sort of man that’s all about something else you have to offer.

Small boobs aren’t a bad thing. In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s in style these days. I know that jogging and playing volleyball would be a lot easier without them and that’s from personal experience. Small-boobed ladies don’t know how good they have it too because they don’t have to worry about sag or wrinkles down the line. Plus, once they have kids they’ll most likely grow bigger, but by that point I’m sure they’ll resolve to letting themselves go anyways so it wouldn’t matter all that much (at least that’s what my plan is).

Anyways, padded bras need to become a thing of the past because as a woman, I don’t think it’s fair for men to be confused. I hope small-breasted women everywhere begin to realize this and embrace the small boobs they have or get a boob job or something.

Image courtesy of this place. To me, it’s an example of an honest, acceptable bra, right?

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Leggings Are Not Pants and That’s OK

I love leggings and I hate the people who are campaigning against wearing leggings with shirts that don’t cover their butt. I didn’t “forget” to put on my pants or a dress, I fucking put on leggings instead. Nothing’s missing from my outfit at all so shut the hell up.

This is the reason why I love leggings and love wearing them with shirts that don’t completely cover my butt: I hate my thighs and ass. However, whenever I put on a pair of leggings, they suck in the fat there and change the look of my ass and thighs faster and more drastically than Melissa Joan Hart changes outfits in front of a mirror during the opening of Sabrina the Teenage Witch (you’ve seen that show, don’t pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about).

Leggings for me are literally the bottom-half of Spanx without the cheap, shiny material that confirms the look of clothing made to be worn as an undergarment. Who WOULDN’T want to show that off? People (specifically, women) are always talking about showing off your assets, and leggings worn with AND without a dress or long shirt covering them do just that. No yoga pant or skinny jean does that and even if they did, they wouldn’t be able to do it as well as leggings do. Don’t mess with a good thing.

I know what you’re thinking and I’m never going to allow myself to have (visible) camel-toe while wearing them A.) because I don’t pull the crotch up that far and B.) If I did, I’d just wear a longer shirt to cover it up. I’m pretty conscious of that shit.

So the next time you see someone wearing plain black leggings (or just legging in general) with a shirt that doesn’t cover their ass, be OK with that. Don’t get all judgmental and think something’s missing from their outfit because there isn’t. Admit to yourself that they look pretty fucking good. I really want this look to take off and be accepted because it’s literally the only way I can make myself look like I don’t have giant uncontrollable globs of cellulite.

Image courtesy of this place. Buy a pair today, ladies! 

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