Tag Archives: friends

If You Post These Statuses On Facebook, Chances Are I Hate You

I’m annoyingly overzealous about my Facebook status updates like the next guy, but there are some things that pop up on my newsfeed that I just can’t help but judge people over. So, I’ve compiled a list of EIGHT different Facebook statuses that make me wonder why I ever pressed “Accept:”

  1. “Dear… (1-2 sentence long rant) Sincerely, (Name)”- Anyone who structures a status this way seriously deserves to get punched in the face. I can’t even begin to explain how much these statuses annoy me.
  2.  “Cell’s Good”- Do you really think someone’s going to read your status and say, “Oh wow! This guy just posted a status saying ‘cell’s good!’ He’s so laid-back and easy-going. I’m sure so many people are calling him right now! I’ll go off and shoot this guy a txt.” No. You’re not cool and easygoing. You actually look super desperate for attention. I hope everyone who’s thinking of “txting” or “hitting up” your cell reads your status and then decides not to.
  3. “Boo it’s Monday! EEEK” or “Thank Gawd it’s FRIDAY!”- Newsflash: People have friggen smartphones these days. It takes two seconds to look up the temperature of the water around the Titanic for crying out loud, nevermind checking what friggen-ass day it is.
  4. Laundry list of what to do today- Hey you know what? I’m totally stressed out over all the shit that I need to get done. Do I want to hear about what you have to do? FAHK no! Especially if it’s something stupid like running to the bank or going grocery shopping. Do you really expect a “like” from this status? What kind of reaction are you looking for here? Do you expect a response from people?
  5. Any and all posts about the gym– Good for you! You work out. Why the HELL would anyone on your newsfeed care about how you are going to the gym? It’s a pretty mundane, common occurrence. Unless you’re meeting Barack Obama there or your gym is passing out free 14K gold iPhone covers, no one cares. Oh and we’re not stupid. We all know you’re that recently-single 17-28 year old dude looking to score some A and wants the layyydayyyz to think you have sculpted abs.
  6. “So HUNGOVER! Ugh!”- Are you trying to convince me that you’re cool enough to drink with or something? When I’m hungover, death is so much far up on my shit that the LAST thing I want to do is post a status about it. Instead, I’m crying, puking up bile and experiencing mortifying flashbacks from the night before. Enough, already.
  7. “Soooo Bored!”- Why the hell else do people log into Facebook?
  8. TMI- Please don’t write a status about the following things: your menstrual cycle, when/where you jack off, your colonoscopy, getting tested for STD’s, that fight you had with your boy/girlfriend, your bowel movements and what your sex life is like.


Filed under Technology

The 5 Different Drunk Girl Stereotypes- WHICH ONE ARE YOU?

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how my guy friends treat me like I’m a dude. If they ever bitch about typical girl behavior, I passionately disagree and say, “OMG who does that?!? I’d never do that! That’s psycho!” and then one of them would say back, “Yah but you’re not like other girls. You don’t count, you’re like a dude.”

I feel flattered by these statements because I don’t consider myself to be very dude-ly, so I must hide the girl-crazy well. I mean, I get obsessive and stage-five  like the next girl, but with my guy friends I must seem pretty laid back and un-crazy. Maybe I dump all of that onto my girlfriends.

I think the craziest of crazy comes out when girls get sloshed. That’s because the portal to absolute-crazy-upon-all-crazy opens when inhibitions are down and emotions run high. I’m surprised my guy friends don’t see this about me, considering I get drunk with them regularly.

Here, I’ve enlisted the help of Ke$ha to illustrate the 5 different (most common) types of crazy drunk girl out there. Ladies, what do you think? Which of these are you? Don’t worry, you can be more than one.

1. The Whore. Every girl has that friend who gets drunk and sleeps with everybody and if you don’t, chances are you’re her! (Good for you! Now go and read “Free Love, People!”)

2. The Crier. Oh God, we’ve all had nights spent vomiting into a sewer drain and crying about that douche that won’t return your calls or texts. Maybe you were The Whore last night and The Crier tonight. Either way, you probably shouldn’t have come out tonight. Next time, buy a bottle of Sutter Home and watch Titanic in your pajamas. That’s what you wanted to do all along, right?

3. The One Who Thinks She’s Helping (AKA The Babysitter). Sometimes there’s this friend that doesn’t realize she’s hammered and takes it upon herself to try to “fix” everybody’s problems. Whether it be comforting The Crier or saving The Whore from another one night stand, she sucks the fun out of every situation because she assumes people should be babysat. Too bad she doesn’t realize that everyone saw her take those Patron shots earlier so they know she’s actually worse off than everyone else there.

4. The Angry Bitch. She’s been pissed off for a while and is looking to dump that onto somebody. She’s the one who will get your group kicked out of the bar because she slapped the guy who jumped in front of her when she was trying to get a drink. She’s like the girl version of Ronnie from the Jersey Shore. She’s got something to prove and she proves it by shitting on people and starting fights.

5. The One Who Thinks She Can Keep Up With The Guys. This is pretty self-explanatory. This type of drunk girl is in denial about her state of sobriety like The Babysitter but suddenly becomes the shitshow under five seconds. All of a sudden she’s puking and everyone is completely unprepared. Sometimes this type can rally and come back for round two, but at least for me, when I’m done I’m done.

Do you agree? Can you think of any more? I’ll admit- I’ve been all of them. Hell, I’ve been most of them in a single night. I just find it odd that my guy friends don’t see this. Maybe I’ve been too sober lately.


Filed under Booze

My Secret Mortal Enemy

So there’s this girl I went to high school with that I’ve been enemies with for a while but I’m fairly certain she has no idea. I hated her when we were in high school because she’s one of those well-liked girls that no one could ever say anything bad about but was also talented in other areas and got attention for it. Don’t confuse her as being one of the cool “popular” high school people because my school was way too lame to have any of those (although some people thought they were), and I definitely would never find myself envious of such vile creatures anyways.

I think a huge reason why I hated her is because we were both trying to tap into the Rock-band-Hockey-Player-High-School-Guy dating demographic and she was much more successful at it than I ever was. In high school, I was pretty fun and had friends but I was definitely awkward about dating and flirting. She, on the other hand, had hot boyfriends and boys in every class pining for her affections. I was just a stupid hot mess who’d fall asleep in class because I always rolled out of bed 10 minutes before I had to leave the house.

Just recently, when I was on Facebook secretly resenting her, I realized that my hatred for her is completely ungrounded. She has literally never said anything offensive to or about me or anyone I love and protect. So why do I STILL hate her? I was with a friend at the time and asked her if she had a Secret Mortal Enemy too, and she told me she had a couple. Could you believe that? Multiple Secret Mortal Enemies? That must be difficult to keep up with!

That made me begin to think about how someone might secretly hate me or resent me for no apparent reason, too. I might be someone else’s Secret Mortal Enemy- I’d have no idea! At first I was upset and scared by this but then I realized that I hope someone does secretly hate me for no reason. That means that there’s something way cool about me that they wished they had.

Do you have a Secret Mortal Enemy?

Image courtesy of a quick google image search of “haters”

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Filed under Uncategorized

Free Love, People!

I recently posted a blog article, “I Don’t Mean to Sound Like a Total Bitch, But…” the other day and it made me start to think about other phrases people use that are vastly ineffective and obviously untrue. One of the best ones is when people say, “I swear to God I NEVER do this!” when they’re having a one-night stand. OK, #1 of course you have! You are not fooling anyone, especially after saying that and #2 who cares, anyways? You might as well just not care if the other person thinks you’re a total whore and just roll with it. You probably won’t ever see them again after that night and chances are you probably won’t even want to anyways. They picked you up from that bar because they thought you were hot and easy, not because you’re good with kids or had a 3.8 GPA at an Ivy League school.

Now, I’m going to sound hypocritical here but I’ve never actually DONE that. Like, I’ve never had a one night stand before. (This is because of years and year of parochial schooling, which I’ll touch upon during a later post. Don’t think that this means I’m all judgmental and bitchy about those who have.) However, if I ever did, I’d never say that “I’ve never done this” phrase because I’d want to play it off all cool like I’m a badass. I’d want them to assume that I’m an amazing super-slut. That way, they wouldn’t worry about me possibly being clingy after and I wouldn’t worry about seeming like a tight-ass. It’d be win-win.

Also, check out this blog article that talks about one night stands, too. It’s hilarious!

Image courtesy of The Frisky

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Filed under Booze, L-O-V-E