Tag Archives: fun

Bad Fashion: The “Hotness” Test

Have you ever seen a new fashion trend and said “What the fuck?” to yourself? The fashion industry comes out with something new or recycles some style from the 90’s that makes you look like you’re walking around with a load in your pants. I’m taking about Kelly Kapowski acid-washed high-cropped jeans or those Jasmine harem pants or overalls or anything that makes you look like you weigh 500 lbs more than you actually do. I want to know what runs through someone’s head when they’re considering purchasing them, don’t you?

I mean, what the fuck? How can you think the illusion of a droopy crotch is sexy? When looking at a woman wearing Kelly Kapowski jeans, what man says to himself, “Hmmm she’s so sexy. I can’t wait to unzip that unreasonably long zipper covering her foopa to reveal those granny panties underneath. YUMMY”? No man. NO ONE!

Now, I have this theory. Many people assume that the women who buy into these hideous styles are trying to be trendy. This makes sense because they’re usually out at parties in the city with flatironed hair and tons of colorful makeup on. However, I DON’T BELIEVE THIS IS TRUE. My theory is that the joke is on all of us. They think they’re hot shit and know their pants are ugly as fuck but figure, “Hey, if I can go out and get laid wearing these heinous pants, I’m a fucking goddess.”

Am I right here? I mean, if you can get laid wearing harem pants, then you must have a pretty attractive face and a body to die for. If I were a man, it would take a lot for me to look past that.  You’d have to look like Megan Fox or something.

Maybe I’ll take this theory a bit further. Maybe it isn’t the women themselves fucking with us, but the higher-ups in fashion. They sit together and come up with these trends to challenge all the young ladies out there that think they’re hot shit. It’s some unwritten and understood agreement.These fashion moguls are like, “Hey, NYC babe, you think you’re sexy, huh? Try getting laid in these vintage floral mom jeans. Muahahahha!” And these twenty-somethings everywhere collectively sign whilst saying, “Challenge accepted.” Then they go out, buy the ugliest new trendy snow pants they can find, wear them out that Saturday night and don’t stop droppin’ it like it’s hot until some hipster buys them a PBR. It’s the ultimate way to test how hot you really are.

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What Your Reality TV Show Says About YOU

Women love reality television. Whether it be a Bravo cooking show, Real Housewives, Toddlers in Tiaras or Teen Mom, the fairer sex can’t get enough of fake real life. There’s something about watching other people do stupid shit and pretend like it’s completely normal that makes women glued to the tube like stripes on a zebra. Oh, and any woman who says she doesn’t watch reality television is a liar and shouldn’t be trusted. She’s most likely trying to sound more intelligent and intimidating than you. Don’t trust what she says.

Here, I am going to categorize the types of reality television into four different groups and use scientific research to make shallow assumptions about the type of person you are based on your reality TV preference. Ready? Let’s go:

1. Competitive Connie 

Basic Premise of the shows: A lengthy competition with a new challenge each week. One or more contestant is eliminated each week until the final contestant stands and wins something ridiculous like $250,000 and a lap dance.
Real life examples: America’s Next Top Model, Top Chef/Iron Chef, Cupcake Wars, The Amazing Race, The Apprentice, American Idol

What this means: So you’re the most normal category of reality TV watcher. Good for you! There’s enough drama and cut-throat competition in these shows, but you actually end up learning a bit about cooking/cupcakes/modeling/whatever while watching, so it’s not a total waste of time. You are probably very intelligent, adventurous and athletic. A TOTAL catch!

2. Dominique the Diva

Basic Premise of the shows: Quasi-famous people are being followed by cameras 
Real life examples:
Keeping up with the Kardashians, Real Housewives, Basketball Wives, Mob Wives

What this means: So you’re either one of two extremes: a raging bitch or a ditz with five brain cells. Men, stay away.  You are completely undateable. Only upside is that you have a healthy love of justice and equality and know how to stick up for yourself.

3. Self-Esteem Boost Sara

Basic Premise of the shows: Non-famous people being followed by cameras (not to be confused with #2) either because they’re completely ridiculous and don’t realize it or because they’re in a pathetic, shitty situation you’re lucky enough to not have to deal with. 
Real life examples:
Jersey Shore, Teen Mom, Toddlers in Tiaras, Intervention, Hoarders, Judge Judy, Cheaters

What this means: You probably hate the current path their life is going down, so you use reality TV show to reaffirm the idea that, “well, at least I’m not that guy!” into your brain so you feel better about yourself. You’re also a good girl at heart, so watching these shows kinda makes you feel a little BAD, doesn’t it?

4. Romantic Ramona

Basic Premise of the shows: Looking for love! XOXO 
Real life examples
The Bachelorette, The Bachelor, Millionaire Matchmaker, The Challenge: Battle of the Exes

What this means: You want to be swept off your feet (obvi) and you’re either looking for love or in love! You will probably make the greatest girlfriend/housewife ever. You love to cook, clean and cater to your man, but you are a bit emotionally needy.

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June 25, 2012 · 2:44 PM

Awkward Search Terms

So, I’m unsure if this is illegal or invading people’s privacy somehow, but I’ve decided to share a list of weird search terms people use to find my blog. You know? What people google to get here. I have a ginormous list of odd, odd search terms that I laugh at daily.

The weird thing about checking out my blog stats is that I actually can’t find many normal search terms that people used to get here. All of them are just bizarre. Like, no one just googles normal shit anymore.

MY #1 SEARCH TERM

The number 1 search term used to generate hits on my blog is “tebow stance” with 61 hits. This doesn’t include these other search terms that made the top ten: “tim tebow stance”, “origin of tebowing”, “history of tebowing”, and “tebowing”. There are a million more further down the list as well.

People love their TEBOW!

The number 2 search term isssssssss:

“Tampon”

Tampon? Seriously, people? Who Googles “tampon”? Why? This doesn’t make sense. I don’t normally write about tampons, either. I guess it’s bizarre I have a tampon post on here “The Tampon and Diaper Aisle at CVS” in the first place, so I’m just as weird as the people that search “tampon” on the internet.

And then here are some runner-ups:

“Kesha drunk” at #3

Annnnnddddd “cat fight sounds” at #4…

With “drunk girl stereotypes” rounding off the top five…

Here are some unexplainable, disturbing search terms (in no particular order):

  • “drunk girl shits herself” (Huh? Why? Gross!)
  • “movie about mouth and butt” (Is this a Human Centipede reference? Do I want to know?)
  • “funny turd pictures”
  • “punishment ritual”
  • “womens in leggings pants fuck”
  • “my husband is creepy”
  • “diaper tampon” (do they exist?!!?)
  • “drunk babysitters”

Here are some funny, random ones:

  • “american horror story drinking game” (I would love to play this! I LOVE THAT SHOW)
  • “melissa joan hart leggings”
  • “rihanna yells not sings” (I shit you not…. someone out there gets me)
  • “is calling someone a turd bad” (I don’t seem to think so!)

The number 1 combination of weird and crazy search term issssssssss:

“girl have 2 pussy”

Yes, this actually exists. I won’t lie, I googled it after this. Yes, I was concerned that my search would reap millions of porn sites, but it was worth investigating.

Apparently there are women out there that have TWO vaginas. NOT ONE but TWO. Uno, dos.

This obviously is a topic for an entire new blog post, but this search term is perplexing to me for two distinct reasons:

  1. How did this search term lead to my site?!!?
  2. HOW DOES SOMEONE HAVE TWO VAGINAS?

I’ll leave you with that to ponder. I’m too busy looking up more information about this on the internet. Oh, and if I mentioned one of your search terms here, comment! Say hello!

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The Ten Things All Drunk Girls Say In Bar Bathrooms

This is what guys think all girls do in bathrooms. (Normal ones don't)

This weekend, I befriended a bar bathroom cleaning lady while I was out boozing in Providence. She was a sweet, little thing, although I’m sure that my loud, drunken presence was more terrifying than friendly to her. Also, I don’t think she knew English very well, but she could’ve just been confused by my slurring.

Anyways, somehow we got to talking about what goes on in the bathrooms at bars. What shit has this lady seen? (Not literally, you’re gross.) Eventually, we got to talking about the typical phrases drunk betchez say that she hears over and over and over again. I since blacked most of them out, which sucks because they were good. I still have some good ones, though, don’t worry.

If you’re a guy and you’ve spent your entire life wondering what girls say and do in restroom packs, lucky you! This list is a clue into what actually goes on in there. You’re welcome, really.

Courtesy of This SITE via random google search

Waiting in line to pee:

  • “I have to pee so bad I’m going to explode!”
  •  “OMG did someone fart? It literally smells like ass right here.”
  • “My feet are KILLING me! I’m gonna take them off. Should I take them off? OK I’m still gonna.”
  • “I’m sweating SO BAD! Can you see my pit sweat? It’s noticeable, isn’t it?”

While peeing in different stalls:

  • “OMG DON’T text him! Do I need to take your phone?”
  • “Are you ok? Are you puking in there?”

While washing hands and getting ready to leave:

  • “OMG! Do you hear that? We gotta get out my songs on!!”
  • “Are you sure I look OK?”
  • “I’m gonna flirt with that guy to make him jealous!”
  • “Am I acting clingy? Should we have a signal for it once I do?”

So, what do you think? Am I spot-on? Are these typical bathroom sayings? I think so. I mean, it all comes straight from the source. My new BFF bathroom attendant agrees with my list one hundred percent. See? I’m getting so good with this whole blogging thing now. I feel like a real journalist.

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I Don’t Trust “Displaced” Sports Fans (And Neither Should You)

I’m from Boston. I’ve lived in New England for my entire life. This means I cheer for the New England Patriots, the Boston Red Sox, the Boston Celtics and the Boston Bruins. It’s in my blood. I’m genetically programmed to do so. I know, I know, we’re obnoxious but we can’t help it. It’s just the way we are- love us or hate us.

Now, some people confuse me. You know, the “displaced” sports fans. The people who don’t cheer for the home team. Football fans from New Hampshire or Massachusetts, even, who cheer for the Dolphins or the Broncos or any teams that are not the New England Patriots. I mean, seriously? (This applies to all sports, obviously)

In some cases, it’s understandable. I’ll let it slide. You just moved up here two months ago. Tim Tebow’s your brother or something. Fine. Yet, some excuses are lame and I judge people on it.

For example, the “sports fans” who cheer for a team because “Oh, I went to college there!” or “Well, my dad’s a huge fan!” or they were “really really good when I started watching football as a kid.”

No. You can’t do that. It’s not fair. It’s not right.

Look, I know that people move around the country. They miss “home” and cheering for their team helps that. I get it. Yet, if you’re like a third generation Broncos fan living in New England, I’m going to judge you. I don’t trust you. You’re not “one of us.”

Let’s apply this same logic to countries. Say you know someone who emigrates from France to the US. They’re your next door neighbor or something. Twenty years into their new life in America, a fierce, raging war breaks out between France and the US. Who should they and their kids support? The US, right? I mean, they LIVE here. They have their LIFE here. This is their country! It’s their duty! (Please note: I’d apply this same logic to someone who emigrates to France from the US as well.)

Sometimes, “displaced” sports fans try to “fit in” a little bit more by supporting some local teams and not others. This actually makes things worse. An example of this is a Giants fan I know who cheers for the Sox. Um, excuse me? You gotta be all in or all out, buddy. Not to mention the fact that there’s a raging arch-rivalry between New York and Boston. You can’t do that.

Not everyone needs to love Boston/New England (I know we’ve got a lot of haters) but I think anyone can agree with this. If I move to Pittsburg tomorrow and raise a family there, my kids will be Steelers fans, as they should be. What do you think? Are you a “displaced” sports fan? Do you hate people who don’t cheer for your local team?

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Five Ways RomComs Teach You It’s OK to be Psycho

No, this is not a scorned-woman, feminist rant about hating men and hating the portrayal of females in ROM-coms (AKA romantic comedies. Keep up with me, here). Instead, I’m going to expose how ridiculous and stupid the Hollywood ROM-com writers are for actually thinking the average American is going to buy their pukey bullshit and enjoy it. I’ve  comprised a list of FIVE tired ROM-com clichés that I hate the most.  Don’t worry, I used movies as examples to really drive my points home because this blog needs some solid, journalistic evidence.

FYI this is your Spoiler Alert!! (Just kidding on that! I mean, let’s be honest… we all know how it’s going to end from watching the five-second previews). Here goes! Just in time for Valentine’s Day! :

1. Time is a huge factor when it actually isn’t. OK, I want to say that in about 90 percent of ROM-coms, the male or female lead realizes that the other lead character is the one for them when it’s considered “too late” or after they somehow pissed them off. This moment of clarity comes at the most inopportune time ever. Instead of, say, staying for the rest of your own sister’s wedding reception, you decide to dump your nice boyfriend and scour the entire metropolis to find some guy and tell him that you love him. This is someone who lives ACROSS THE HALL from you. I’m talking to you, Ally Darling from What’s Your Number?. Seriously, why can’t you just wait until tomorrow? I don’t know why you decided to RUIN your bridesmaid dress, steal a car and bicycle, break into another wedding reception and interrupt a band from performing. If any woman did that in real life, the guy would think she’s psycho. This is an epic cliché ROM-com FAIL.

2. They’re super-damaged but still considered attractive.  OK, Dating 101: hide your baggage at least until date 5… or 50 for Christ’s sake. Yet, in the wonderful world of ROM-coms, baggage makes you you and is somehow OK to expose when you barely know the other person. It isn’t considered to be a huge turn-off or anything. Seriously? Are you ROM-com writers just telling America to ignore all the red flags? This lighthearted movie can easily turn into an episode of Criminal Minds if it were in the real world! Hate to do this to you, Debra Messing, but Kat in The Wedding Date has NO self-esteem and is so desperate it’s cringe-worthy. Who hires (and uses) a male prostitute to go to her sister’s wedding to get some guy from 1,000 years ago jealous? Let’s move on, girlfriend.

Another example of this is Mila Kunis’ character in Friends With Benefits. She’s more emotionally unavailable than you because no one has ever been treated worse by men than her. You need to feel bad for her and sympathize with her because she has hollow, loveless sex to numb her inadequacy issues. Don’t get pissed at me here, I’m not saying this- JT laid this all down real easy in the movie.

3. They’re the wild, extreme opposites of each other. A common, annoying ROM-com cliché is when two people who are POLAR opposites butt heads and then realize that they like the other person. Hello, The Ugly Truth! She’s a hopeless romantic, and he’s a cynical, superficial womanizer. He has dark hair, she’s a blonde. The only thing they have in common is that they’re both painfully written 2-demensional characters. Yet, somehow they’re able to fall in love and live happily ever after in an assumed long-term, committed relationship.

 

Who could forget this throwback? She’s All That is about a jock who finds the most “unattractive girl” and tries to make her prom queen. Only, she’s not unattractive and he realizes he actually likes her. Could it ever work out between this theatre/art freak and this popular jock? Don’t worry, they end up together.

 4. I hate you but I love you… I love hating you. This tired cliché goes with #3 with the whole butting-heads idea but the characters don’t necessarily have to be opposites, they just have to have an assumed abhorrence for each other. Usually it’s for no good reason. A perfect example is 27 Dresses. Jane can’t stand James until they sing Benny and the Jets together at a dive bar and have blackout sex in a car like it’s Prom night. She starts hating him again the next day when she finds out that his boss published an article about how pathetic she is. Don’t worry, James puts a giant band-aid on the situation when he buys her a Blackberry.

Same idea goes for What Happens in Vegas. Jack and Joy are forced to live together and pretend that it’s difficult to be wicked good-looking and live with someone who’s also wicked good-looking for a month or a year or something. Personally, I’d deal with disgusting pubic hair and dirty couches if it meant I could stare at Ashton Kutcher’s perfectly sculpted abs all day. Suck it up, Cameron Diaz. I’m having a hard time trying to feel bad for you.

5. Cocky man-whore meets girl with morals and eventually falls in love. Oh, what a story for the grandkids! You know, this guy sleeps with everybody because of some later-revealed commitment issue (see #2) but then realizes the error of his ways when he falls in love with a woman who finds him revolting and refuses to bang him. OK, I don’t mean to get all philosophical here but #1 people don’t change and #2 other people don’t make people change, people need to want the change on their own. (Has ANYBODY seen the show Intervention before?) In Catch and Release, Gray doesn’t understand why her late-fiance liked Fritz, whom she catches having an awkward quickie in the bathroom of his wake. She thinks he’s a whorish, womanizing douche-bag until they bang and then fall in love.

Hannah in Crazy Stupid Love refuses to hook up with Jacob when he comes on to her pretty hard at a bar. Solid rejection. The plot progresses as Jacob then has meaningless sex with every other woman in the free world before they meet again at the bar. Instead of sleeping together, they talk and joke and stare at Ryan Gosling’s abs all night and then he eventually realizes that she’s the yin to his yang and he doesn’t want to work the streets anymore.

So there’s my list of tired ROM-com clichés! I know there are millions of others I could have included, but these are the worst. Hollywood, let’s start writing better ROM-coms that don’t suck. Think of some new clichés that our kids and grandkids will bitch and blog about, assuming the whole ROM-com genre doesn’t just go away altogether.

Anything to add? Anything you disagree with? Please tell me your thoughts!!

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New Years Hangover Cure: You’re Welcome, Everybody

I’ve seen a couple articles here and there about the best cure for the New Years hangover and they’re all wrong. Considering the fact that I’m hungover for a decent number of Saturdays and Sundays throughout the year, I’ve taken it upon myself to share my own hangover secrets in time for the biggest drinking night of the year.

Take notes and have a Happy New Year!

THE GOLDEN RULE: If you know you’ve been a shitshow and you’re still going strong the night before, DRINK WATER. Just guzzle down a glass or two. A hangover is basically super-dehydration, so the #1 cure is to (surprise, surprise!) hydrate yourself. This might sound like a no-brainer to some people but I’ve found that a drunk person’s ego can get in the way of this. Whatever, do what you want, but don’t bitch to me the next day when you’re crying and puking.

When waking up, you must do the same thing. Drink water. Even if it makes you nauseous, even if it makes you puke water. Drink water.

If you’re having you’re own giant sleep-puke fest (we’ve all been there), try and eat some saltines or something. Even if it feels gross to do this, DO IT. Get something in your stomach and then go back to sleep. Studies have been done on this stuff- sleeping while drunk isn’t as effective as sober slumber, so sleeping more will make that headache go away.

Take a shower. Showering not only hydrates you, but also clears away the icky clammy puke-sweat off your bod. (In case you were wondering, yes, I’m single.)

Now, there’s going to be a point in the day when the clouds clear and it seems as though life is getting back to normal again. Don’t believe this lie, it’s a trick. You will get sick again if you do something stupid like, say, down some shots of vod with your roommates (Been there, done that). YOU ARE NOT INVINCIBLE! You must get some greasy food in your system because #1 you’re starving and #2 McDoubles taste fantastic when you’re hungover. FACT.

And there ya have it! Don’t buy into the other stupid theories like drinking coffee or keep drinking booze- doing that only dehydrates you more. The best hangover cure, of course,  is to just not drinking enough to get hungover in the first place but what’s the fun in doing that?

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