Tag Archives: kesha

J-Man = Jack Daniels

So, one day, I decided to go to a psychic. I think I was feeling crazy about dumb shit going on in my life, whatever, I’d do it again.

I remember the psychic sucked and clearly was pulling shit out of her ass, but she told me that I would meet a man who’s name begins with a “J” and he will be my soul mate and we will ride happily off into the sunset like a magical prince and princess team. She told me two other specific things: I haven’t met him before and we’d meet at a holiday party.

Screen shot 2013-06-05 at 11.16.23 PM

Whatever, lady.

I was fascinated by this, despite the fact that there are like a BAJILLION “J” names, right? Jason, Justin, John, Jacob, Jafar, Jesus, Jose… etc. Does she think I’m completely desperate? Whatever, this game is fun.

So I’m not sorry to admit that I kind of fell for it. The holidays were only a month or so away, so I wanted to test this thing out. I was intrigued. My friends and I pegged him “J-Man” and we started acting really creepy over the possibilities.

Possible J- Man #1: Jacob
Does his name begin with a J? Yes
Had I met him before? No
Were we at a holiday party? No
This guy looked somewhat promising. Some friends and I were vacationing in VT for a long weekend. This guy was a friend of a friend I never met before. He wore flannel. He had a scruff beard. I was about to see him as a possibility, until some desperate biddy got all up in his chain and started hitting on him. I think her name was Amanda and she did the flirt-girl laugh. Not J-man. Or, maybe he was her J-man for the night.

hahahaha

Possible J-Man #2: John
Does his name begin with a J? Yes
Had I met him before? No
Were we at a holiday party? No
Another friend of a friend. Bitched to him about another guy. What’s wrong with me?

Possible J-Man #3: Sean
Does his name begin with a J? No
Had I met him before? Yes
Were we at a holiday party? No
This guy was a former co-worker and his name did NOT start with a J. OBVIOUSLY a no-go. Got the friend vibe. Whatever, this story’s boring.

muahhaha

Possible J-Man #4: Mike
Does his name begin with a J? No
Had I met him before? Briefly one time
Were we at a holiday party? YES
Mike and I were at an ugly sweater party. I was rockin’ the Bill Cosby, Mike was rockin’ the Snowman sweater vest. I made a joke about how he was wearing a turtleneck. He told me he liked turtlenecks. I think turtlenecks are emasculating. I prefer men that wear shirts showing chest hair.

Screen shot 2013-06-05 at 11.21.10 PM

Actual J-Man: Jack Daniels
Does his name begin with a J? Yes
Had I met him before? Many times
Were we at a holiday party? Are birthdays considered holidays?
One night, right around the most stressful time in a law student’s life (finals), I went into total drunk betch phase at someone else’s birthday celebration because I suck and I’m an attention whore. I was texting all the boiz. I was buying tequila shots. I was reaching over the counter of the bar to steal those giant olives because I was drunkgry. I was yelling and bitching and being a total obnoxious mess.

It was because of J-Man, you know, Jack Daniels. Have you met him? He’s a creepy little fuck. You start your night with ONE Jackie and ginge and before you know it you’re telling the cab driver you’re going to puke and then you bring a bowl to bed so you can puke all over yourself ALL DAY until your ONLY ONE TRUE FRIEND brings you McDonalds and forces you to keep your food down.

After that brief fling with Jackie D, I called it quits with him for a long while. I ignored his seething glare in the liquor store.  I walked right by when I saw him, half-opened, by my liquor cabinet. We were on a break.

We’re on better terms now, but I still get that puke-mouth taste whenever I sip down some Jackie D.

Leave a comment

Filed under Booze, Uncategorized

The 5 Different Drunk Girl Stereotypes- WHICH ONE ARE YOU?

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how my guy friends treat me like I’m a dude. If they ever bitch about typical girl behavior, I passionately disagree and say, “OMG who does that?!? I’d never do that! That’s psycho!” and then one of them would say back, “Yah but you’re not like other girls. You don’t count, you’re like a dude.”

I feel flattered by these statements because I don’t consider myself to be very dude-ly, so I must hide the girl-crazy well. I mean, I get obsessive and stage-five  like the next girl, but with my guy friends I must seem pretty laid back and un-crazy. Maybe I dump all of that onto my girlfriends.

I think the craziest of crazy comes out when girls get sloshed. That’s because the portal to absolute-crazy-upon-all-crazy opens when inhibitions are down and emotions run high. I’m surprised my guy friends don’t see this about me, considering I get drunk with them regularly.

Here, I’ve enlisted the help of Ke$ha to illustrate the 5 different (most common) types of crazy drunk girl out there. Ladies, what do you think? Which of these are you? Don’t worry, you can be more than one.

1. The Whore. Every girl has that friend who gets drunk and sleeps with everybody and if you don’t, chances are you’re her! (Good for you! Now go and read “Free Love, People!”)

2. The Crier. Oh God, we’ve all had nights spent vomiting into a sewer drain and crying about that douche that won’t return your calls or texts. Maybe you were The Whore last night and The Crier tonight. Either way, you probably shouldn’t have come out tonight. Next time, buy a bottle of Sutter Home and watch Titanic in your pajamas. That’s what you wanted to do all along, right?

3. The One Who Thinks She’s Helping (AKA The Babysitter). Sometimes there’s this friend that doesn’t realize she’s hammered and takes it upon herself to try to “fix” everybody’s problems. Whether it be comforting The Crier or saving The Whore from another one night stand, she sucks the fun out of every situation because she assumes people should be babysat. Too bad she doesn’t realize that everyone saw her take those Patron shots earlier so they know she’s actually worse off than everyone else there.

4. The Angry Bitch. She’s been pissed off for a while and is looking to dump that onto somebody. She’s the one who will get your group kicked out of the bar because she slapped the guy who jumped in front of her when she was trying to get a drink. She’s like the girl version of Ronnie from the Jersey Shore. She’s got something to prove and she proves it by shitting on people and starting fights.

5. The One Who Thinks She Can Keep Up With The Guys. This is pretty self-explanatory. This type of drunk girl is in denial about her state of sobriety like The Babysitter but suddenly becomes the shitshow under five seconds. All of a sudden she’s puking and everyone is completely unprepared. Sometimes this type can rally and come back for round two, but at least for me, when I’m done I’m done.

Do you agree? Can you think of any more? I’ll admit- I’ve been all of them. Hell, I’ve been most of them in a single night. I just find it odd that my guy friends don’t see this. Maybe I’ve been too sober lately.

9 Comments

Filed under Booze