Tag Archives: life

Hot Mess Express: Your 20’s Suck and Your Shit’s NOT Together

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When I imagined my twenties as an 18 yr old entering college, I pictured myself living with a hot “struggling artist” boyfriend in some cool city like NYC, writing politically-conscious stories for Cosmo or Elle magazine, but secretly (but never admittedly) pining for the job as the classless blow-job-tip article-writer.  I never imagined myself hating the real world as much as I do and hoping for some boring and rich guy working some Chandler-Bing-esque 9-5 to swoop me away into a life of financial security. Had I known what life after college REALLY looks like, I would’ve filled my ’97 Volvo S70 with canned goods and driven straight to LA to pursue my (and every other self-absorbed 18-year-old in 2006’s) dream of becoming Lindsay Lohan pre-Herbie Fully Loaded.

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Eventually, I would’ve spent all my rent money on weed and extacy and called my parents crying and begging for a plane ticket home.

As I sit here and write this, I see this alternate life sounds 10x less shitty than the life that my college-educated friends and I have.

Having your shit together after college means you’ve consolidated your loans. It means you’ve ONLY $50K in debt and don’t live in the suburbs. You work a job that requires 3-5 years experience OR a college degree. You’re in school for something, even though you’re racking up more debt and you’re still unsure of whether or not you actually like it.

Having your shit together after college means your roommates aren’t your parents, or if they are, you’re at least enjoying home-cooked meals while you waste 20 hrs a week working at Costco while slowly picking away at those FUCKING loans.

I don’t mean to sound cynical, but it sucks. Your 20’s suck because they’re being spent building towards less-suckage.

Right now, I consider myself lucky. I’m in school, I have a job and I live on my own in some joke of a city outside of the actual city.  Some of my friends tell me I’m “together,” despite the fact that I’m 3 years away from $250K worth of debt and I have the emotional maturity of a 12 year old BOY. In addition to this, life after college for me sucked ALL THE WAY up until this point. I got laid-off from some job I absolutely hated, I got fired from another job as a waitress and I spent my fun-employment on Sporcle.com and filling out HOURS LONG applications to random administrative positions I never got call-backs for.

YOUR. TWENTIES. SUCK. And because your life sucks and is up in the air, you’re selfish, which makes you an annoying person to be friends with and even more annoying to date. I mean, how are you supposed to give a shit about others beyond superficial gChat convos when you feel your life getting sucked away with every Outlook email?

I’m not sure if this all changes, or we get used to it. Maybe into my 30’s I’ll be conditioned into this life as a mindless drone working towards that house downpayment which feels like a cruel joke to me now.

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Guess I’ll get wasted this weekend and take my shoes off and cry about how much my life sucks after I get kicked out of a dive bar for pushing someone and telling them to fuck off. But my Instagram pictures will make it look like I party like Prince Harry and give as many fucks as Ke$ha.

TELL ME I’M WRONG, TWENTY-SOMETHINGS. TELL ME I’M WRONG.

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Name-Calling: Some Words are Off-Limits, “Turd” and “Vagina” are Not

I have some bad habits I’d love to break. I crack my knuckles, drunk text, overuse post-it notes, get white deodorant marks on black tee-shirts and correct everyone’s grammar on Facebook.

Yet, before I fix any of those annoying habits or quirks, my goal is to stop using the words “retard” and “gay” when I’m name-calling. Now, I know you might be thinking I should just aim to stop name-calling altogether, but I’m taking baby steps here.

Anyways, I digress.  I just think that calling someone “retarded” or “gay” is hurtful and mean. Gays can’t help being gay and retarded people can’t help being retarded. It’s just a cheap shot, ya know?

I mean, I have lots of gay friends and I’ve run this by them. Most don’t feel offended by it.  Some even use it themselves. (I’d never run “retard” by anyone because I just KNOW that’s such a horrible thing to say.) To keep peace with everyone and avoid hurt feelings, I’m just going to phase out these two words from my vocab. I don’t want to run into that awkward moment when I say, “Oh EM Gee! Nickelback has a new album out? They’re SO gay!” and then the person I’m talking to is like, “Uhhh, thanks a lot. I’m gay.”

How do you rebound from that? What could I possibly say next? “Oh, cool. I love gays, man.” There’s no way I could ever say anything to make myself look like less of a jackass. Right?

Now, because I’m a keen advocate for breaking one bad habit by finding another not-as-bad habit to replace it, I’ve found myself using new name-calling stand-bys: “turd” and “vagina.”

I know girls can’t help but have vaginas, so technically I’m back at square one, but vagina is a funny word and I have one so I’m within that group of people who are allowed to use it in the cruel, demeaning way. Also, like vagina, turd is a funny word. Everyone poops, too, so some isolated class isn’t going to bitch about how people should stop saying it.

What are some of your name-calling stand-bys? Do you say “retarded” or “gay”? You probably should quit doing that too then.

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My Secret Mortal Enemy

So there’s this girl I went to high school with that I’ve been enemies with for a while but I’m fairly certain she has no idea. I hated her when we were in high school because she’s one of those well-liked girls that no one could ever say anything bad about but was also talented in other areas and got attention for it. Don’t confuse her as being one of the cool “popular” high school people because my school was way too lame to have any of those (although some people thought they were), and I definitely would never find myself envious of such vile creatures anyways.

I think a huge reason why I hated her is because we were both trying to tap into the Rock-band-Hockey-Player-High-School-Guy dating demographic and she was much more successful at it than I ever was. In high school, I was pretty fun and had friends but I was definitely awkward about dating and flirting. She, on the other hand, had hot boyfriends and boys in every class pining for her affections. I was just a stupid hot mess who’d fall asleep in class because I always rolled out of bed 10 minutes before I had to leave the house.

Just recently, when I was on Facebook secretly resenting her, I realized that my hatred for her is completely ungrounded. She has literally never said anything offensive to or about me or anyone I love and protect. So why do I STILL hate her? I was with a friend at the time and asked her if she had a Secret Mortal Enemy too, and she told me she had a couple. Could you believe that? Multiple Secret Mortal Enemies? That must be difficult to keep up with!

That made me begin to think about how someone might secretly hate me or resent me for no apparent reason, too. I might be someone else’s Secret Mortal Enemy- I’d have no idea! At first I was upset and scared by this but then I realized that I hope someone does secretly hate me for no reason. That means that there’s something way cool about me that they wished they had.

Do you have a Secret Mortal Enemy?

Image courtesy of a quick google image search of “haters”

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