Tag Archives: music

The Formula for a 2012 Rap Song

Ok, I’m a genius and about to make millions on it. I figured out the formula for a 2012 platinum rap song. It wasn’t easy, but once I cash in on this shit I can finally afford to buy my own island.

My song is in the works so I feel comfortable sharing my findings with you. Down below I’ve written a list- a list of five things you need to have in a rap song to make you a star. Times are a-changin’ so use my advice wisely because it might not be the same come 2013.

1. Tell everyone who you are. In the beginning of your song, you need to identify yourself. You must not use a common name and you will probably sound a lot cooler if you can find someone else to say your name for you.

2. Name obscure places. I want you to do me a favor. Grab an atlas, blindfold yourself and point randomly. Do that five more times. Point to cities, continents, oceans, countries, etc. No one will care. You need to name these places in your rap song so people assume you’ve been there and did something off the wall. That way, everyone will think you’re cooler and only cool people sell records (besides Nickelback, that shit came from way out in left field).

3. You have to talk about how much you drink. If you want people to like you, you have to drink. No one should trust a person who can’t have at least one drink. But, since you’re a rap star, you need to drink more than everyone else and you have to talk about it. Oh, and if it’s not Patron, go home, you’re useless.

4. Demand that people start dancing. Your rap song needs to get even the whitest of the white guys to want to break it down. No, you’re not going to politely tell people to get on up to that dance floor. You need to demand this from them. Get repetitive.

5. Describe a hot chick that you have had sex with or one that you are confident you will have sex with in the near future (ie tonight or something). This is crucial. If you can’t get laid, then you’re not a rap star and no rap star says no to the idea of telling everyone about it. T-Pain revolutionized this with his smash hit “Apple Bottom Jeans.” I get it- maybe you feel a bit uncomfortable with this. Don’t worry. Just call her “sexy,” or “baby,” and make sure everyone knows that it’s a casual thing. Can’t think of someone? Make her up. No one will know the difference. I promise.

A “bonus” I’m adding here is that you must mention how much money you have by bragging about what you can afford. Since you’re not a rap star yet, you probably have tens and twennies in your wallet, not fiddies n hunnidz. I get it. Maybe you’ve come from nothing. That’s fine. Now is the time to mention jail if you’ve been there. Usually the best rap stars talk about jail first and then mention their money later, once they’ve made it all fast.

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Stop yelling, Rihanna. We can hear you.

This is my open letter to Rihanna:

Dear Rihanna (Or is it Rhianna? Whatever),

I really want to like you. I think it’s cool that you were born in Barbados and have obviously unnatural red frizzy curly hair that works for you and looks really good. I’m from the boring suburbs and red does not go well with my skin tone. This makes me jealous of you but in a friendly, amicable way. I also like your neat tattoos and perfect skin tone. Also, didn’t you just get sexiest woman alive or something? Good for you! I mean it.

Now Rihanna, there are a few things I don’t like about you. The biggest problem I have is is that you yell-sing. Yell-singing is when someone yells and tries to pass it off as singing. You do this in your song, “Only Girl In The World.” It starts out really slow and calm and then BAM you just start YELL-singing and I don’t know what to do with it. We can hear you. I don’t know why you have to start yelling. It seriously feels like you’re yelling AT me and I just can’t think of anything I could say to make it stop.

Fast-forward to the one-minute mark:

Rihanna, sometimes, listening to your music makes me feel anxious aside from your yell-singing. Sometimes the content of your songs upsets me. For example, “Rude Boy.” First of all, you relentlessly say “call me rude boy-boy” multiple times and then ask a number of personal, probing questions in a row. No one has time to answer that quickly. Secondly, your question is very rude and you know it. If I were a man and a woman asked me that, I would be very offended. It would hurt my feelings! I mean, what if he wasn’t up to your standards, RiRi? Would you be prepared to listen to a guy say, “Um, actually Rihanna it’s not that impressive. Don’t waste your time”? Probably a huge awkward letdown.

Now, I have “We Found Love” on constant repeat these days. I’m getting cautiously optimistic that you’ve outgrown this yell-sing habit and have also gotten over your need to ask probing questions indiscreetly. Remember, I want to like you.

Sincerely,

Daisy

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