Tag Archives: philosophy

Bad Fashion: The “Hotness” Test

Have you ever seen a new fashion trend and said “What the fuck?” to yourself? The fashion industry comes out with something new or recycles some style from the 90’s that makes you look like you’re walking around with a load in your pants. I’m taking about Kelly Kapowski acid-washed high-cropped jeans or those Jasmine harem pants or overalls or anything that makes you look like you weigh 500 lbs more than you actually do. I want to know what runs through someone’s head when they’re considering purchasing them, don’t you?

I mean, what the fuck? How can you think the illusion of a droopy crotch is sexy? When looking at a woman wearing Kelly Kapowski jeans, what man says to himself, “Hmmm she’s so sexy. I can’t wait to unzip that unreasonably long zipper covering her foopa to reveal those granny panties underneath. YUMMY”? No man. NO ONE!

Now, I have this theory. Many people assume that the women who buy into these hideous styles are trying to be trendy. This makes sense because they’re usually out at parties in the city with flatironed hair and tons of colorful makeup on. However, I DON’T BELIEVE THIS IS TRUE. My theory is that the joke is on all of us. They think they’re hot shit and know their pants are ugly as fuck but figure, “Hey, if I can go out and get laid wearing these heinous pants, I’m a fucking goddess.”

Am I right here? I mean, if you can get laid wearing harem pants, then you must have a pretty attractive face and a body to die for. If I were a man, it would take a lot for me to look past that.  You’d have to look like Megan Fox or something.

Maybe I’ll take this theory a bit further. Maybe it isn’t the women themselves fucking with us, but the higher-ups in fashion. They sit together and come up with these trends to challenge all the young ladies out there that think they’re hot shit. It’s some unwritten and understood agreement.These fashion moguls are like, “Hey, NYC babe, you think you’re sexy, huh? Try getting laid in these vintage floral mom jeans. Muahahahha!” And these twenty-somethings everywhere collectively sign whilst saying, “Challenge accepted.” Then they go out, buy the ugliest new trendy snow pants they can find, wear them out that Saturday night and don’t stop droppin’ it like it’s hot until some hipster buys them a PBR. It’s the ultimate way to test how hot you really are.

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My Secret Mortal Enemy

So there’s this girl I went to high school with that I’ve been enemies with for a while but I’m fairly certain she has no idea. I hated her when we were in high school because she’s one of those well-liked girls that no one could ever say anything bad about but was also talented in other areas and got attention for it. Don’t confuse her as being one of the cool “popular” high school people because my school was way too lame to have any of those (although some people thought they were), and I definitely would never find myself envious of such vile creatures anyways.

I think a huge reason why I hated her is because we were both trying to tap into the Rock-band-Hockey-Player-High-School-Guy dating demographic and she was much more successful at it than I ever was. In high school, I was pretty fun and had friends but I was definitely awkward about dating and flirting. She, on the other hand, had hot boyfriends and boys in every class pining for her affections. I was just a stupid hot mess who’d fall asleep in class because I always rolled out of bed 10 minutes before I had to leave the house.

Just recently, when I was on Facebook secretly resenting her, I realized that my hatred for her is completely ungrounded. She has literally never said anything offensive to or about me or anyone I love and protect. So why do I STILL hate her? I was with a friend at the time and asked her if she had a Secret Mortal Enemy too, and she told me she had a couple. Could you believe that? Multiple Secret Mortal Enemies? That must be difficult to keep up with!

That made me begin to think about how someone might secretly hate me or resent me for no apparent reason, too. I might be someone else’s Secret Mortal Enemy- I’d have no idea! At first I was upset and scared by this but then I realized that I hope someone does secretly hate me for no reason. That means that there’s something way cool about me that they wished they had.

Do you have a Secret Mortal Enemy?

Image courtesy of a quick google image search of “haters”

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They: WHO are “They”?

Ever since I was a kid, I remember listening to adults say, “Oh, you know what they always say…” followed by some cliche phrase like, “the grass is always greener” or “be careful what you wish for.” At the time, I imagined a conference room somewhere with a group of people in business suits literally sitting down and creating these overused phrases for others to quote.

Years later, I began to realize that “they” are not actual people and just nobody in particular. Yet it’s obvious to assume that “they” had to start somewhere, right? I mean, someone must’ve thought of it, then said it and, of course, the cliche eventually spread. I wonder if one or some of the original “they” phrase people is old, alone and alive somewhere seething with wrath over how he’s not being cited. I know I would be. Maybe that’s why Paris Hilton wanted to copyright the phrase, “That’s hot!” Could you imagine 50 or so years from now people regularly saying, “You know what they always say, that’s hot!” Paris Hilton would be pissed.

Despite not being recognized by the whole of society, I want to start one of those “they” sayings anyways. I want to because someday, maybe I’ll be at a cocktail party or by an office water cooler somewhere when someone repeats my phrase. I’d immediately interject and say, “No ‘they’ never said that. I said it! That was ME!” I’m sure they’d look at me like I was crazy or something, but by that point I’m hoping I’d be famous or of a superior societal importance so I wouldn’t care, really.

Do you have a favorite “they” phrase?

Image courtesy of this random website I found on a google image search.

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