I recently read the first “50 Shades” book because the entire universe was begging me to read it. Seriously. Everyone and their mom apparently finds this series to be like the heroin of sex novels so I caved and bought the first one at Amazing’s while shopping for a blow-up penis for my sister’s bachelorette party. (OK I know you can buy this book at less awkward places like Walmart but that story was just funny to me).
Anyways, so right away I couldn’t stop reading it. I’m the type of person who can’t stop reading a book once I start anyways, but I kept reading it because I CONSTANTLY felt like something good or interesting was about to happen but it DIDN’T. This book is boring! Not only is it boring, but it just SUCKS. I mean, the writing sucks, the story drags and the characters aren’t likable or interesting. 50 Shades of Grey is like ordering chicken fingers every time you go out to eat. THAT kind of boring.
If that alone doesn’t convince you to say NO, for those of you interested in reading this poorly-written piece of crap, there is still hope for you. I have created a list of six super-specific reasons why this book blows ass to help convince you to ignore what everyone else says and just never bother reading it.
1. She refers to her vagina as her “sex” and “down there.” OK, I’m a lady. I’m not going to suggest calling it a snatch or poon or anything but seriously? This is so ridiculous. Just say it’s a vagina or literally ANYTHING ELSE. I can think of a million other, less cheesy words for a vagina. I mean it’s not a sex. She’s having sex- she doesn’t have a sex. Oh, and “down there” reminds me of toddlers who need to pee and squirm and point to their bladders.
2. The main character is a porn star. OK, this actually isn’t true. I lied. But honestly, what author names their VIRGIN main character ANASTASIA STEELE? That name just screams porn star in neon flashing lights. I mean, the name Anastasia just screams porn star to me in general, but paired with the last name STEELE is just TOO much.
3. The sex isn’t kinky. When I heard this book was kinky and changing the sex lives of stay-at-home moms across America, I was expecting a huge spectacle. I’m talking about midgets, elaborate role-playing, exotic animals and feces. I was disappointed. Every single sex scene sounded the same and was incredibly cheesy and stupid. Christian and Ana just have amazing, perfect Barbie and Ken sex 24/7 (I know Barbie and Ken don’t have genitalia but if they did, I’m sure their sex life would be way too perfect). Just a disclaimer- I’m not some perverted creep that gets off reading sex novels but I expected more from this novel. Oh, and what woman gets off after like five pumps? RIGHT.
4. Ana’s character is so unrealistic. Not only is this girl named ANASTASIA STEELE and NOT in the porn industry, but Ana just happens to be a super-virgin who hooks up with a “kinky” billionaire. That’s damn near impossible. On top of that, this girl has never gotten drunk before. A SENIOR IN COLLEGE getting drunk for the first time at the age of 22? Hmmmmm, OK. I mean, I’m not saying she should be some shitshow with liver damage but come on. A non-drinking virgin college senior not only sounds rare and unheard of, but she also sounds boring as fuck. Actually, she IS boring as fuck. The girl doesn’t do shit. I would never want to be friends with her.
5. The language is distracting. I know I’m being nit-picky here but who uses words like “perhaps” and “shall” in everyday conversation? I know Christian is supposed to sound like a creepy old man, but even Ana’s Mexican BFF Jose or Carlos or whatever his name is talks like that in the book. It’s set in 2012 not 1612. It’s not a big deal, but it takes away from the story. Actually, the writing is terrible. She’s a shitty shitty writer and can’t handle writing realistic dialogue. I mean, I’m no Hemingway either but I’m not trying to be.
6. Christian is a psychotic and unsympathetic character. I am so sick and tired of writing about this useless book that I don’t even want to explain why Christian sucks but I will because at this point, I’m committed. Christian is way too controlling and obsessive and just weird. He’s creepy. Not a charming, rom-com creepy, a Criminal Minds who-the-fuck-is-this-guy? creepy. I mean, I’ve loved books with main characters that I’ve hated, but his creepiness shouldn’t be legal and he isn’t even interesting. There’s absolutely no depth to his character. He’s just portrayed as a “mercurial” man with a dark past with creepy stalker tendencies. This guy isn’t even on the line between “oh-my-God-he-didn’t-have-to-do-that” and “hmmm-that-was-kind-of-weird,” he’s WAY beyond that and then some. Christian and Ana dated for about a month and he buys her a car, SURPRISE visits her across the country (AFTER SHE SAYS SHE NEEDS SPACE) and tells her he owns her. HOW CAN WOMEN SWOON OVER THIS? I was sick to my stomach and wanted to throw the damn book across the room. BARF!
So, there it is. THE MOST over-rated book in the entire universe which is soon to become the worst movie after Gigli, which sucked so much it broke up Ben Affleck and J-Lo.