Tag Archives: sex

50 Shades of WTF is this Shit? This book sucks

I recently read the first “50 Shades” book because the entire universe was begging me to read it. Seriously. Everyone and their mom apparently finds this series to be like the heroin of sex novels so I caved and bought the first one at Amazing’s while shopping for a blow-up penis for my sister’s bachelorette party. (OK I know you can buy this book at less awkward places like Walmart but that story was just funny to me).

Anyways, so right away I couldn’t stop reading it. I’m the type of person who can’t stop reading a book once I start anyways, but I kept reading it because I CONSTANTLY felt like something good or interesting was about to happen but it DIDN’T. This book is boring! Not only is it boring, but it just SUCKS. I mean, the writing sucks, the story drags and the characters aren’t likable or interesting. 50 Shades of Grey is like ordering chicken fingers every time you go out to eat. THAT kind of boring.

If that alone doesn’t convince you to say NO, for those of you interested in reading this poorly-written piece of crap, there is still hope for you. I have created a list of six super-specific reasons why this book blows ass to help convince you to ignore what everyone else says and just never bother reading it.

1. She refers to her vagina as her “sex” and “down there.” OK, I’m a lady. I’m not going to suggest calling it a snatch or poon or anything but seriously? This is so ridiculous. Just say it’s a vagina or literally ANYTHING ELSE. I can think of a million other, less cheesy words for a vagina. I mean it’s not a sex. She’s having sex- she doesn’t have a sex. Oh, and “down there” reminds me of toddlers who need to pee and squirm and point to their bladders.

2. The main character is a porn star. OK, this actually isn’t true. I lied. But honestly, what author names their VIRGIN main character ANASTASIA STEELE? That name just screams porn star in neon flashing lights. I mean, the name Anastasia just screams porn star to me in general, but paired with the last name STEELE is just TOO much.

3. The sex isn’t kinky. When I heard this book was kinky and changing the sex lives of stay-at-home moms across America, I was expecting a huge spectacle. I’m talking about midgets, elaborate role-playing, exotic animals and feces. I was disappointed. Every single sex scene sounded the same and was incredibly cheesy and stupid. Christian and Ana just have amazing, perfect Barbie and Ken sex 24/7 (I know Barbie and Ken don’t have genitalia but if they did, I’m sure their sex life would be way too perfect). Just a disclaimer- I’m not some perverted creep that gets off reading sex novels but I expected more from this novel. Oh, and what woman gets off after like five pumps? RIGHT.

4. Ana’s character is so unrealistic. Not only is this girl named ANASTASIA STEELE and NOT in the porn industry, but Ana just happens to be a super-virgin who hooks up with a “kinky” billionaire. That’s damn near impossible. On top of that, this girl has never gotten drunk before. A SENIOR IN COLLEGE getting drunk for the first time at the age of 22? Hmmmmm, OK. I mean, I’m not saying she should be some shitshow with liver damage but come on. A non-drinking virgin college senior not only sounds rare and unheard of, but she also sounds boring as fuck. Actually, she IS boring as fuck. The girl doesn’t do shit. I would never want to be friends with her.

5. The language is distracting. I know I’m being nit-picky here but who uses words like “perhaps” and “shall” in everyday conversation? I know Christian is supposed to sound like a creepy old man, but even Ana’s Mexican BFF Jose or Carlos or whatever his name is talks like that in the book. It’s set in 2012 not 1612. It’s not a big deal, but it takes away from the story. Actually, the writing is terrible. She’s a shitty shitty writer and can’t handle writing realistic dialogue. I mean, I’m no Hemingway either but I’m not trying to be.

6. Christian is a psychotic and unsympathetic character. I am so sick and tired of writing about this useless book that I don’t even want to explain why Christian sucks but I will because at this point, I’m committed. Christian is way too controlling and obsessive and just weird. He’s creepy. Not a charming, rom-com creepy, a Criminal Minds who-the-fuck-is-this-guy? creepy. I mean, I’ve loved books with main characters that I’ve hated, but his creepiness shouldn’t be legal and he isn’t even interesting. There’s absolutely no depth to his character. He’s just portrayed as a “mercurial” man with a dark past with creepy stalker tendencies. This guy isn’t even on the line between “oh-my-God-he-didn’t-have-to-do-that” and “hmmm-that-was-kind-of-weird,” he’s WAY beyond that and then some. Christian and Ana dated for about a month and he buys her a car, SURPRISE visits her across the country (AFTER SHE SAYS SHE NEEDS SPACE) and tells her he owns her. HOW CAN WOMEN SWOON OVER THIS? I was sick to my stomach and wanted to throw the damn book across the room. BARF!

So, there it is. THE MOST over-rated book in the entire universe which is soon to become the worst movie after Gigli, which sucked so much it broke up Ben Affleck and J-Lo.

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The Sex Talk

Today I started thinking about The Sex Talk and how I never really had one. I mean, I vaguely remember middle school sex ed and coming home and telling my mom things (why, I don’t know), but I never had a sit-down talk with my parents over condoms or birth control or the pull-and-pray method or abstinence and that crap.

I’m split between feeling very gypped while also feeling very relieved. I mean, it’s a rite of passage. I should have experienced it, ya know? But, at the same time, it would absolutely be the most tense, awkward conversation I’d ever have, so I’m just very glad it never existed.

There are two times in my life when my parents approached me with the topic of sex but not in that awkward birds-and-the-bees type way. It was much more subtle. The first time was when I was a senior in high school. I was a few months away from moving to college and my parents were driving together in the front seat while I was in the back. They were going to drop me off at a friend’s house.

“You’re not having sex with these boys, are you?” My Mom says as she turns around from to look at me from the front seat. Now, this sucks in particular because I’m trapped inside of the car so I’m forced to acknowledge the question.

“Mom, is this The Sex Talk? Don’t you think we should have had this discussion like 5 years ago?” I quip back to deflect the question.

My Dad laughs.

“Just answer the question!” She doesn’t take the bait.

“Mom, we’re not even going to meet up with guys tonight,” (lie) “And no, I’m not.” (truth).

Silence for the rest of the car ride.

The next time my pseudo-sex talk comes is months later. Now, I’m home from a short break from college, pining over some dumb guy and I can’t stop thinking about him. I decide to go to my Dad for advice over this because, who knows young fickle boys better than someone who once was one? Plus, I could tell that my friends were getting annoyed with me so I had to begin using other resources.

I take a good twenty minutes to explain how cool he is and how much I dig him and another twenty minutes explaining what I thought was between us. “He totally told me he’d call me but then he texted me. What does that mean? I mean, he still wanted to talk so that’s good, right?” You get the idea.

My Dad  stays silent the entire time until I say, “So what should I do?”

He takes a breath, thinks for a second and then says, “Daisy, guys at your age just want to spread their seed. They’re not looking for a nice girl, they just want to sow their wild oats. That’s all.”

I think that’s the best answer anyone could have ever given me.

So those two times are what I had instead of The Sex Talk. What about yours? How did you/will you approach this topic with your kids?

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Filed under Awkward, Family

My Hypothetical Life as a Sex Worker

Don’t jump to conclusions, FBI. I’m not a prostitute.

However, I’d be lying if I said I never thought about it. Upscale hookers could make like $3k in a night. Do I make that in a month? I don’t want to answer that question.

I owe approximately a BAJILLION dollars to Sallie Mae and other federal/state loan companies I whored my debt onto and sold my soul to for an education. If I was an escort for ONE NIGHT a week and made, say, $1k-2k each time, I’d pay of all that debt off in no time.

Downpayment on a house? NO PROBLEMO, brah. I’d work 2-3 times a week and that money’s in the BANK, dude. Then I could spend the rest of my time working part-time as a writer. All my whore stories would eventually buy me an awesome book deal.

Now, my Catholic upbringing would never allow me to do this. If I got paid for sex ONE TIME, I’d fear the wrath of God coming down from the heavens to blacken my already-charred human soul. Saint Peter would shake his head and then shun me from ever entering the pearly gates of heaven. He’d white-out my name from his list of “Ones to be Saved” for eternity.

But, that’s just me. In another life and in another world I’d do it. (Haha “do it”! Get it? I’m so funny, aren’t I?)

I’d be the happy hooker, like Julia Roberts in Pretty Women, except I wouldn’t walk the streets. It’d be more of a referral-based type of hookering (Or is it ‘hooking’?). I’d create a solid base of clientele and work only for myself. I’ve got good business sense and I wouldn’t want to give anybody else a cut of MY cha-ching, ya know?

So, would you ever sell your bod to pay bills? Have you thought about it?

Image courtesy of this random website I found via google search

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Filed under L-O-V-E, Work

Push Presents: Another Reason Why Being a Lady is Awesome

With all of these prego celebs everywhere I can’t help but feel tempted to jump in on the getting-knocked-up bandwagon. Aside from the fact that I’d have a screaming child to rear, saggy ta-tas, stretchmarks and 20+ extra lbs on my bod, getting pregnant can be pretty advantageous. (For superficial reasons, of course)

The biggest one being the “push present” from my lucky baby daddy. Do you know what a push present is? Wikipedia explains it best, “a present a new father gives a new mother when she gives birth to their child. In practice the present may be given before or after the birth, or even in the delivery room. The giving of push presents has supposedly grown in the United States in recent years.”

I recently learned of this when some mindless tabloid magazine I can’t remember published an article releasing insider details of Jay-Z’s push present for Bey: a Tiffany’s necklace!

Lucky for ‘dad’, I’m not much of a diamond jewelry lady, but I do have expensive taste. I mean, think about it. I’d say my pain-tolerance threshold is at a solid two out of ten, so I wouldn’t settle for anything less than eighty bucks an hour considering I’m not even counting the nine months I’d be carrying the child (and the abuse my body would deal with from the pregnancy, too). Multiply that by the average time labor lasts, which is 13+ hours (thank you, Yahoo! Answers) and you’re looking at a $1040 push present. Just for me!

I know I’m obviously way too immature and selfish for a baby right now so don’t worry, I’m not actually going to go through with this idea. However, I’m bringing this topic up because when the time comes, I’m totally going to be expecting one and you should too, ladies!

Knocked up image courtesy of this site.

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The Tampon and Diaper Aisle at CVS

You know what really GRINDS my gears? The organization of the aisles at CVS. Specifically, the tampon aisle.

Ok, I have a sort of strange tradition/ punishment ritual where every month, I buy tampons at CVS alone and in the scrubbiest, nastiest sweatpants imaginable. My goal is to look like shit because I feel like shit and I’m buying tampons.

So, as I’m scanning the aisle looking for the biggest pack of the most generic tampon brand, it always takes me a good five seconds to realize how I’m in the fuckin diaper aisle. Like, the tampons I’m eyeing are suspiciously across the way from the adult diapers.

I feel very fortunate that I do not have issues that require wearing a diaper, and I honestly hope that people who do are not offended by this post. Yet, I know myself well enough to know that I am uncomfortable with this shit in public. I cannot deal with people believing I could possibly be buying tampons, let alone fucking full-sized adult diapers.

I know that the majority of people don’t care and aren’t looking, but I’m one of the few people that DO look at people’s purchases and judge them on it.

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The 5 Different Drunk Girl Stereotypes- WHICH ONE ARE YOU?

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how my guy friends treat me like I’m a dude. If they ever bitch about typical girl behavior, I passionately disagree and say, “OMG who does that?!? I’d never do that! That’s psycho!” and then one of them would say back, “Yah but you’re not like other girls. You don’t count, you’re like a dude.”

I feel flattered by these statements because I don’t consider myself to be very dude-ly, so I must hide the girl-crazy well. I mean, I get obsessive and stage-five  like the next girl, but with my guy friends I must seem pretty laid back and un-crazy. Maybe I dump all of that onto my girlfriends.

I think the craziest of crazy comes out when girls get sloshed. That’s because the portal to absolute-crazy-upon-all-crazy opens when inhibitions are down and emotions run high. I’m surprised my guy friends don’t see this about me, considering I get drunk with them regularly.

Here, I’ve enlisted the help of Ke$ha to illustrate the 5 different (most common) types of crazy drunk girl out there. Ladies, what do you think? Which of these are you? Don’t worry, you can be more than one.

1. The Whore. Every girl has that friend who gets drunk and sleeps with everybody and if you don’t, chances are you’re her! (Good for you! Now go and read “Free Love, People!”)

2. The Crier. Oh God, we’ve all had nights spent vomiting into a sewer drain and crying about that douche that won’t return your calls or texts. Maybe you were The Whore last night and The Crier tonight. Either way, you probably shouldn’t have come out tonight. Next time, buy a bottle of Sutter Home and watch Titanic in your pajamas. That’s what you wanted to do all along, right?

3. The One Who Thinks She’s Helping (AKA The Babysitter). Sometimes there’s this friend that doesn’t realize she’s hammered and takes it upon herself to try to “fix” everybody’s problems. Whether it be comforting The Crier or saving The Whore from another one night stand, she sucks the fun out of every situation because she assumes people should be babysat. Too bad she doesn’t realize that everyone saw her take those Patron shots earlier so they know she’s actually worse off than everyone else there.

4. The Angry Bitch. She’s been pissed off for a while and is looking to dump that onto somebody. She’s the one who will get your group kicked out of the bar because she slapped the guy who jumped in front of her when she was trying to get a drink. She’s like the girl version of Ronnie from the Jersey Shore. She’s got something to prove and she proves it by shitting on people and starting fights.

5. The One Who Thinks She Can Keep Up With The Guys. This is pretty self-explanatory. This type of drunk girl is in denial about her state of sobriety like The Babysitter but suddenly becomes the shitshow under five seconds. All of a sudden she’s puking and everyone is completely unprepared. Sometimes this type can rally and come back for round two, but at least for me, when I’m done I’m done.

Do you agree? Can you think of any more? I’ll admit- I’ve been all of them. Hell, I’ve been most of them in a single night. I just find it odd that my guy friends don’t see this. Maybe I’ve been too sober lately.

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Free Love, People!

I recently posted a blog article, “I Don’t Mean to Sound Like a Total Bitch, But…” the other day and it made me start to think about other phrases people use that are vastly ineffective and obviously untrue. One of the best ones is when people say, “I swear to God I NEVER do this!” when they’re having a one-night stand. OK, #1 of course you have! You are not fooling anyone, especially after saying that and #2 who cares, anyways? You might as well just not care if the other person thinks you’re a total whore and just roll with it. You probably won’t ever see them again after that night and chances are you probably won’t even want to anyways. They picked you up from that bar because they thought you were hot and easy, not because you’re good with kids or had a 3.8 GPA at an Ivy League school.

Now, I’m going to sound hypocritical here but I’ve never actually DONE that. Like, I’ve never had a one night stand before. (This is because of years and year of parochial schooling, which I’ll touch upon during a later post. Don’t think that this means I’m all judgmental and bitchy about those who have.) However, if I ever did, I’d never say that “I’ve never done this” phrase because I’d want to play it off all cool like I’m a badass. I’d want them to assume that I’m an amazing super-slut. That way, they wouldn’t worry about me possibly being clingy after and I wouldn’t worry about seeming like a tight-ass. It’d be win-win.

Also, check out this blog article that talks about one night stands, too. It’s hilarious!

Image courtesy of The Frisky

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Filed under Booze, L-O-V-E