Tag Archives: society

Bad Fashion: The “Hotness” Test

Have you ever seen a new fashion trend and said “What the fuck?” to yourself? The fashion industry comes out with something new or recycles some style from the 90’s that makes you look like you’re walking around with a load in your pants. I’m taking about Kelly Kapowski acid-washed high-cropped jeans or those Jasmine harem pants or overalls or anything that makes you look like you weigh 500 lbs more than you actually do. I want to know what runs through someone’s head when they’re considering purchasing them, don’t you?

I mean, what the fuck? How can you think the illusion of a droopy crotch is sexy? When looking at a woman wearing Kelly Kapowski jeans, what man says to himself, “Hmmm she’s so sexy. I can’t wait to unzip that unreasonably long zipper covering her foopa to reveal those granny panties underneath. YUMMY”? No man. NO ONE!

Now, I have this theory. Many people assume that the women who buy into these hideous styles are trying to be trendy. This makes sense because they’re usually out at parties in the city with flatironed hair and tons of colorful makeup on. However, I DON’T BELIEVE THIS IS TRUE. My theory is that the joke is on all of us. They think they’re hot shit and know their pants are ugly as fuck but figure, “Hey, if I can go out and get laid wearing these heinous pants, I’m a fucking goddess.”

Am I right here? I mean, if you can get laid wearing harem pants, then you must have a pretty attractive face and a body to die for. If I were a man, it would take a lot for me to look past that.  You’d have to look like Megan Fox or something.

Maybe I’ll take this theory a bit further. Maybe it isn’t the women themselves fucking with us, but the higher-ups in fashion. They sit together and come up with these trends to challenge all the young ladies out there that think they’re hot shit. It’s some unwritten and understood agreement.These fashion moguls are like, “Hey, NYC babe, you think you’re sexy, huh? Try getting laid in these vintage floral mom jeans. Muahahahha!” And these twenty-somethings everywhere collectively sign whilst saying, “Challenge accepted.” Then they go out, buy the ugliest new trendy snow pants they can find, wear them out that Saturday night and don’t stop droppin’ it like it’s hot until some hipster buys them a PBR. It’s the ultimate way to test how hot you really are.

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Five Ways RomComs Teach You It’s OK to be Psycho

No, this is not a scorned-woman, feminist rant about hating men and hating the portrayal of females in ROM-coms (AKA romantic comedies. Keep up with me, here). Instead, I’m going to expose how ridiculous and stupid the Hollywood ROM-com writers are for actually thinking the average American is going to buy their pukey bullshit and enjoy it. I’ve  comprised a list of FIVE tired ROM-com clichés that I hate the most.  Don’t worry, I used movies as examples to really drive my points home because this blog needs some solid, journalistic evidence.

FYI this is your Spoiler Alert!! (Just kidding on that! I mean, let’s be honest… we all know how it’s going to end from watching the five-second previews). Here goes! Just in time for Valentine’s Day! :

1. Time is a huge factor when it actually isn’t. OK, I want to say that in about 90 percent of ROM-coms, the male or female lead realizes that the other lead character is the one for them when it’s considered “too late” or after they somehow pissed them off. This moment of clarity comes at the most inopportune time ever. Instead of, say, staying for the rest of your own sister’s wedding reception, you decide to dump your nice boyfriend and scour the entire metropolis to find some guy and tell him that you love him. This is someone who lives ACROSS THE HALL from you. I’m talking to you, Ally Darling from What’s Your Number?. Seriously, why can’t you just wait until tomorrow? I don’t know why you decided to RUIN your bridesmaid dress, steal a car and bicycle, break into another wedding reception and interrupt a band from performing. If any woman did that in real life, the guy would think she’s psycho. This is an epic cliché ROM-com FAIL.

2. They’re super-damaged but still considered attractive.  OK, Dating 101: hide your baggage at least until date 5… or 50 for Christ’s sake. Yet, in the wonderful world of ROM-coms, baggage makes you you and is somehow OK to expose when you barely know the other person. It isn’t considered to be a huge turn-off or anything. Seriously? Are you ROM-com writers just telling America to ignore all the red flags? This lighthearted movie can easily turn into an episode of Criminal Minds if it were in the real world! Hate to do this to you, Debra Messing, but Kat in The Wedding Date has NO self-esteem and is so desperate it’s cringe-worthy. Who hires (and uses) a male prostitute to go to her sister’s wedding to get some guy from 1,000 years ago jealous? Let’s move on, girlfriend.

Another example of this is Mila Kunis’ character in Friends With Benefits. She’s more emotionally unavailable than you because no one has ever been treated worse by men than her. You need to feel bad for her and sympathize with her because she has hollow, loveless sex to numb her inadequacy issues. Don’t get pissed at me here, I’m not saying this- JT laid this all down real easy in the movie.

3. They’re the wild, extreme opposites of each other. A common, annoying ROM-com cliché is when two people who are POLAR opposites butt heads and then realize that they like the other person. Hello, The Ugly Truth! She’s a hopeless romantic, and he’s a cynical, superficial womanizer. He has dark hair, she’s a blonde. The only thing they have in common is that they’re both painfully written 2-demensional characters. Yet, somehow they’re able to fall in love and live happily ever after in an assumed long-term, committed relationship.

 

Who could forget this throwback? She’s All That is about a jock who finds the most “unattractive girl” and tries to make her prom queen. Only, she’s not unattractive and he realizes he actually likes her. Could it ever work out between this theatre/art freak and this popular jock? Don’t worry, they end up together.

 4. I hate you but I love you… I love hating you. This tired cliché goes with #3 with the whole butting-heads idea but the characters don’t necessarily have to be opposites, they just have to have an assumed abhorrence for each other. Usually it’s for no good reason. A perfect example is 27 Dresses. Jane can’t stand James until they sing Benny and the Jets together at a dive bar and have blackout sex in a car like it’s Prom night. She starts hating him again the next day when she finds out that his boss published an article about how pathetic she is. Don’t worry, James puts a giant band-aid on the situation when he buys her a Blackberry.

Same idea goes for What Happens in Vegas. Jack and Joy are forced to live together and pretend that it’s difficult to be wicked good-looking and live with someone who’s also wicked good-looking for a month or a year or something. Personally, I’d deal with disgusting pubic hair and dirty couches if it meant I could stare at Ashton Kutcher’s perfectly sculpted abs all day. Suck it up, Cameron Diaz. I’m having a hard time trying to feel bad for you.

5. Cocky man-whore meets girl with morals and eventually falls in love. Oh, what a story for the grandkids! You know, this guy sleeps with everybody because of some later-revealed commitment issue (see #2) but then realizes the error of his ways when he falls in love with a woman who finds him revolting and refuses to bang him. OK, I don’t mean to get all philosophical here but #1 people don’t change and #2 other people don’t make people change, people need to want the change on their own. (Has ANYBODY seen the show Intervention before?) In Catch and Release, Gray doesn’t understand why her late-fiance liked Fritz, whom she catches having an awkward quickie in the bathroom of his wake. She thinks he’s a whorish, womanizing douche-bag until they bang and then fall in love.

Hannah in Crazy Stupid Love refuses to hook up with Jacob when he comes on to her pretty hard at a bar. Solid rejection. The plot progresses as Jacob then has meaningless sex with every other woman in the free world before they meet again at the bar. Instead of sleeping together, they talk and joke and stare at Ryan Gosling’s abs all night and then he eventually realizes that she’s the yin to his yang and he doesn’t want to work the streets anymore.

So there’s my list of tired ROM-com clichés! I know there are millions of others I could have included, but these are the worst. Hollywood, let’s start writing better ROM-coms that don’t suck. Think of some new clichés that our kids and grandkids will bitch and blog about, assuming the whole ROM-com genre doesn’t just go away altogether.

Anything to add? Anything you disagree with? Please tell me your thoughts!!

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The 2011 Internet Sensations of Christmas

On the twelfth day of Christmas, 2011 Internet gave to me:

Twelve changes on Facebook

Eleven celeb iPhone hacks

Ten Groupon Getaways

Nine leaked Lohan pics

Eight National Anthem Flubs

Seven Keenan Lipsync vids

Six Plankers Planking

FIVVEE SEAAAATS TO CHOOOSEEE FROMM

Four #winning Interviews

Three Gaddafi death Tweets

Two Texts for Bennett

And Tim “Tebowing” under my tree.

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Pretty %$#(ing Bitchy, Dude

Ok, so I dont think I ever really became a bitch until I started to work full-time. This is because I was less miserable in life when I was living like a fucking LA rapper in college with parties 24/7 and no real job or debt. Now, it’s harder NOT to be a bitch when I go into work to make stupid small talk about weekend plans and the weather instead of crawling out of bed at 11AM to smoke weed through the upstairs bathroom vents.

I’m mostly a bitch because of the things I don’t say or react to more so than from being confrontational or having an attitude. I can’t control or fake reactions to stupid things people say or do that they consider funny. My college-self would be able to produce a seemingly-genuine belly laugh or at least a smile, whereas my real world self now grunts, turns around and stares into the computer screen as if there is work to do.

Thus, I’ve become some sort of a bitch.

I know it could be worse with all of this “Occupy” shit going on, but I’m finding it harder and harder to not run out of my office and crawl back into bed. Gahhhh

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I Hope My Husband’s Not the Creepy Uncle

With Thanksgiving around the corner, I’ve been thinking a lot about family, which got me thinking of stereotypes. When people are stereotyping families, they always include the Creepy Uncle on the list. This made me realize that I don’t have one. There is NO Creepy Uncle in my family.

I know that I shouldn’t be upset by this, but in having multiple Creepy-Uncle-free generations, it’s only natural to conclude that my generation may be due to reap one. My siblings and many cousins are already paired off and I see no sign of Creepy Uncle with them. Does this mean my husband will be him then? Is my future husband- wherever he may be- the newest Creepy Uncle? God, I hope not.

I feel as though women may be able to figure whether or not a potential suitor is Creepy Uncle material. Here are some solid indicators:

  1. Is he a big drinker? Creepy Uncles always get too drunk and rowdy so chances are, if your man drinks then he could start getting awkward at family functions. This sucks for me because I tend to be attracted to dudes who drink a lot. I’ll have to watch out on this one.
  2. Is he a manwhore? Creepy Uncles have probably been around the block a couple times (hence #3).
  3. Is he agressive? The Creepy Uncle will definitely hit on all of your relatives, so I’m sure that during courting, he’d be way forward and touchy-feely. Lucky for me, I have personal-space issues so I hate guys that are like that.
  4. Is he childish? Creepy Uncles have probably been coddled by their parents and expect people to do everything for them. They pick on the little kids and think that it’s funny when it’s actually super annoying. I would never tolerate this behavior.

So there’s my list for all of you single ladies. I wish a non-Creepy-Uncle-husband for all of you.

Image: SNL “Creep”

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They: WHO are “They”?

Ever since I was a kid, I remember listening to adults say, “Oh, you know what they always say…” followed by some cliche phrase like, “the grass is always greener” or “be careful what you wish for.” At the time, I imagined a conference room somewhere with a group of people in business suits literally sitting down and creating these overused phrases for others to quote.

Years later, I began to realize that “they” are not actual people and just nobody in particular. Yet it’s obvious to assume that “they” had to start somewhere, right? I mean, someone must’ve thought of it, then said it and, of course, the cliche eventually spread. I wonder if one or some of the original “they” phrase people is old, alone and alive somewhere seething with wrath over how he’s not being cited. I know I would be. Maybe that’s why Paris Hilton wanted to copyright the phrase, “That’s hot!” Could you imagine 50 or so years from now people regularly saying, “You know what they always say, that’s hot!” Paris Hilton would be pissed.

Despite not being recognized by the whole of society, I want to start one of those “they” sayings anyways. I want to because someday, maybe I’ll be at a cocktail party or by an office water cooler somewhere when someone repeats my phrase. I’d immediately interject and say, “No ‘they’ never said that. I said it! That was ME!” I’m sure they’d look at me like I was crazy or something, but by that point I’m hoping I’d be famous or of a superior societal importance so I wouldn’t care, really.

Do you have a favorite “they” phrase?

Image courtesy of this random website I found on a google image search.

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Drunk Texting

I’m a drunk texter and I hate it. I can’t even tell you how many Saturday and Sunday mornings I’d wake up saying to myself, “Shit, I can’t believe I texted THAT person! What the fuck did I even SAY?” I’d then backtrack through my entire texting history and realize that I also texted 1,843,232 other people I shouldn’t have.

With such experiences, I’ve come to find that deleting my entire texting history just eliminates the desire to mull over my previous night’s indiscretions. I mean at this point, I’ve said enough embarrassing shit via drunken text so how bad could it actually be? They’re probably drunk, I’m drunk- whatever, right?

However, for some reason, I still sometimes become upset over it. I get flashbacks of the shit I say and inwardly cringe. I think the content itself doesn’t really upset me as much as my ability to use perfect grammar and punctuation while being completely and utterly black-out shit-faced. This stemmed from my desire to have the person figure I’m not THAT drunk. Over the years, I’ve slowly become a master of pristine black-out drunk-text spelling and grammar. This skill has now backfired because I’m quite confident that the receivers of my drunken texts now assume that I’m not drunk at all and would, in fact, soberly say the ridiculous bullshit I drunkenly text.

Currently, I feel as though this drunk-text pendulum needs to swing a wee bit back into the illegible, “I-can’t-even-GUESS-at-what-the-fuck-she-was-trying-to-say” zone. Sometimes I realize this and fuck up some letters and add numbers to let them know I’m not sober. I haven’t consistently been able to master this though. Being drunk makes you forget and being a drunk-texter makes you just want to send the stupid text message out already and be done with it.

I know that some people are just going to say, “Well why do you need to send texts in the first place? Get rid of your phone.” That’s not that easy because A.) drunk texting is an addiction and B.) if you’re lost in a dive bar and two of your friends are about to leave without you, you need your cell phone there to make sure you get that phone call.

Image courtesy of this guy

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