Tag Archives: stereotype

Bad Fashion: The “Hotness” Test

Have you ever seen a new fashion trend and said “What the fuck?” to yourself? The fashion industry comes out with something new or recycles some style from the 90’s that makes you look like you’re walking around with a load in your pants. I’m taking about Kelly Kapowski acid-washed high-cropped jeans or those Jasmine harem pants or overalls or anything that makes you look like you weigh 500 lbs more than you actually do. I want to know what runs through someone’s head when they’re considering purchasing them, don’t you?

I mean, what the fuck? How can you think the illusion of a droopy crotch is sexy? When looking at a woman wearing Kelly Kapowski jeans, what man says to himself, “Hmmm she’s so sexy. I can’t wait to unzip that unreasonably long zipper covering her foopa to reveal those granny panties underneath. YUMMY”? No man. NO ONE!

Now, I have this theory. Many people assume that the women who buy into these hideous styles are trying to be trendy. This makes sense because they’re usually out at parties in the city with flatironed hair and tons of colorful makeup on. However, I DON’T BELIEVE THIS IS TRUE. My theory is that the joke is on all of us. They think they’re hot shit and know their pants are ugly as fuck but figure, “Hey, if I can go out and get laid wearing these heinous pants, I’m a fucking goddess.”

Am I right here? I mean, if you can get laid wearing harem pants, then you must have a pretty attractive face and a body to die for. If I were a man, it would take a lot for me to look past that.  You’d have to look like Megan Fox or something.

Maybe I’ll take this theory a bit further. Maybe it isn’t the women themselves fucking with us, but the higher-ups in fashion. They sit together and come up with these trends to challenge all the young ladies out there that think they’re hot shit. It’s some unwritten and understood agreement.These fashion moguls are like, “Hey, NYC babe, you think you’re sexy, huh? Try getting laid in these vintage floral mom jeans. Muahahahha!” And these twenty-somethings everywhere collectively sign whilst saying, “Challenge accepted.” Then they go out, buy the ugliest new trendy snow pants they can find, wear them out that Saturday night and don’t stop droppin’ it like it’s hot until some hipster buys them a PBR. It’s the ultimate way to test how hot you really are.

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The Ten Different Types of Frat Guys

My earlier Bro-night post made me start to think about the Bro’s preppier cousin, The Frat Guy. Like Bros, every girl needs to experience a Frat Guy night, despite their striking similarities. Lucky for you, I’m here to help define The Frat Guy while I teach the difference between these two closely related man-types. I’ll also outline the ten different types of Frat Guys too, in case you, like me, enjoy catergorizing people.

Now, most importantly I must make it clear that that every Frat Guy is a Bro, but not every Bro is a Frat Guy. This is because every Frat Guy needs to have Bro qualities in order to be considered a Frat Guy, but not all Bros are in frats. Does that make sense? It will. Oh, and if you’re a Frat Guy and believe that you do not fit into one of these different types, then you are either in denial or you simply do n0t exist. Here goes:

The Party Guy

  1. The One Who Joined Because Of Dad- He’s pretty serious about the legacy of this frat and enjoys doing all the stuff the other frat guys just tolerate, like volunteering, fundraising and networking. His mom comes to visit every two weeks or so to bring fresh laundered clothes. All of his extra-curriculars will look great on a law school application, and there’s a 90 percent chance that his name ends with a “II”, “III” or “IV.”
  2.  The Party Guy-  John Blutarsky from Animal House. If you don’t understand, you’ve never seen that movie. If you’ve never seen that movie, you should. It’s a classic.
  3. The Kind-of Gay One– This guy is way serious about brotherhood and everyone kind of suspects he’s gay but would ever actually say anything. He takes the bromance jokes too far by saying stuff like, “Bro, let’s spoon tonight if we don’t score some hot chicks,” or “Wouldn’t it be funny if we got drunk and had a threesome one time?”
  4. The Sensitive One Who Brings All the Girls in but Can Never Seal the Deal- I think this name pretty much explains itself, however, I must add that he loves to play guitar and wears beanie hats.
  5. The Druggie- He’s scoring drugs, mostly E or weed, and you can never tell if he’s high or not. (He usually is.)
  6. Everyone’s Best Friend- He’s been elected social chair and does all the networking for parties. He’s very similar to The Party Guy, the difference being his charm and an overall more wholesome demeanor.
  7. The Hot One With The Sorority Girlfriend- Goddamn it. They met at freshman orientation or in high school or something and are still going strong. They’ll never break up and if they do, cursed is the bitch who does it.
    Won’t their kids be so cute?
  8. The Manwhore- It’s every Frat Guy’s goal to bang lots of chicks, but this one is better at it than everyone because he’s a smooth-talker and has abs that Greek statues dream about. He plows through biddies faster than The Party Guy can win a boat race, despite having a reputation that extends across the free world.
  9. The Athlete– AKA dumb jock.
  10. The Foreigner– This guy is from Europe or something and uses his accent to score chicks. It usually works. Hell, I’d fall for it.

A quality that every single Frat Guy must have is the “love” or “feigned love” of drinking. This is very important, and it is also what makes every Frat Guy a Bro. Frat Guys and Bros like to drink more than you do. Even if they don’t, they pretend to and have at least two or three exaggerated stories as their go-to’s in case they think you don’t believe them.

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I Hope My Husband’s Not the Creepy Uncle

With Thanksgiving around the corner, I’ve been thinking a lot about family, which got me thinking of stereotypes. When people are stereotyping families, they always include the Creepy Uncle on the list. This made me realize that I don’t have one. There is NO Creepy Uncle in my family.

I know that I shouldn’t be upset by this, but in having multiple Creepy-Uncle-free generations, it’s only natural to conclude that my generation may be due to reap one. My siblings and many cousins are already paired off and I see no sign of Creepy Uncle with them. Does this mean my husband will be him then? Is my future husband- wherever he may be- the newest Creepy Uncle? God, I hope not.

I feel as though women may be able to figure whether or not a potential suitor is Creepy Uncle material. Here are some solid indicators:

  1. Is he a big drinker? Creepy Uncles always get too drunk and rowdy so chances are, if your man drinks then he could start getting awkward at family functions. This sucks for me because I tend to be attracted to dudes who drink a lot. I’ll have to watch out on this one.
  2. Is he a manwhore? Creepy Uncles have probably been around the block a couple times (hence #3).
  3. Is he agressive? The Creepy Uncle will definitely hit on all of your relatives, so I’m sure that during courting, he’d be way forward and touchy-feely. Lucky for me, I have personal-space issues so I hate guys that are like that.
  4. Is he childish? Creepy Uncles have probably been coddled by their parents and expect people to do everything for them. They pick on the little kids and think that it’s funny when it’s actually super annoying. I would never tolerate this behavior.

So there’s my list for all of you single ladies. I wish a non-Creepy-Uncle-husband for all of you.

Image: SNL “Creep”

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