Tag Archives: texting

Drunk Texting

I’m a drunk texter and I hate it. I can’t even tell you how many Saturday and Sunday mornings I’d wake up saying to myself, “Shit, I can’t believe I texted THAT person! What the fuck did I even SAY?” I’d then backtrack through my entire texting history and realize that I also texted 1,843,232 other people I shouldn’t have.

With such experiences, I’ve come to find that deleting my entire texting history just eliminates the desire to mull over my previous night’s indiscretions. I mean at this point, I’ve said enough embarrassing shit via drunken text so how bad could it actually be? They’re probably drunk, I’m drunk- whatever, right?

However, for some reason, I still sometimes become upset over it. I get flashbacks of the shit I say and inwardly cringe. I think the content itself doesn’t really upset me as much as my ability to use perfect grammar and punctuation while being completely and utterly black-out shit-faced. This stemmed from my desire to have the person figure I’m not THAT drunk. Over the years, I’ve slowly become a master of pristine black-out drunk-text spelling and grammar. This skill has now backfired because I’m quite confident that the receivers of my drunken texts now assume that I’m not drunk at all and would, in fact, soberly say the ridiculous bullshit I drunkenly text.

Currently, I feel as though this drunk-text pendulum needs to swing a wee bit back into the illegible, “I-can’t-even-GUESS-at-what-the-fuck-she-was-trying-to-say” zone. Sometimes I realize this and fuck up some letters and add numbers to let them know I’m not sober. I haven’t consistently been able to master this though. Being drunk makes you forget and being a drunk-texter makes you just want to send the stupid text message out already and be done with it.

I know that some people are just going to say, “Well why do you need to send texts in the first place? Get rid of your phone.” That’s not that easy because A.) drunk texting is an addiction and B.) if you’re lost in a dive bar and two of your friends are about to leave without you, you need your cell phone there to make sure you get that phone call.

Image courtesy of this guy


Filed under Booze


I’ve never really been interested in making people jealous by having the latest, greatest version of the newest iThing. In fact, I’ve come to find that people who don’t wait for the sale or price drop are rather sad and pathetic and have nothing more exciting or engaging to look forward to in their lives. The 4S came out recently, and I can say with complete confidence that I couldn’t care less about whether or not I have an app that shows dots on a map telling me where people are. If I really cared, I’d just call people and say “Hey, where are you?” and trust that their responses would be genuine.

The first time I got a non-ghetto flip phone was because it was a free upgrade and I asked the phone-kiosk dude for a phone “with the alphabet buttons.” He looked at me like I was a moron and said, “Uhhh, you mean a keypad?” and then I said, “Don’t be a fucking wise-ass.” (Just kidding, I never said that last part).

At first, I loved this shiny, cool new slick red phone (minus a data plan) but now I’m slowly beginning to realize that it sucks and I should just cave in and get a shinier, cooler smartphone. Phones aren’t phones anymore, and I have to at least be in my 40’s to be able to use that whole “All I do is make calls and get calls- isn’t that what phones are made to do anyways?” stupid-joke response. I’m also not in college anymore so I can’t say, “Oh, I’m a poor college student- I don’t have money for a data plan- it goes to my beer and weed fund.”

In addition to the social stigmas about twenty-somethings being obligated to have a smartphone, here are my practical reasons:

  • I can send and receive approximately five text messages before my phone says that the mailbox is full.
  • Autocorrect. I don’t have that. I know autocorrect sucks sometimes and makes embarrassing corrections but for the majority of times, autocorrect makes texting easier and less annoying.
  •  I’m sick of all the scratches on my screen and having a smartphone would make me care enough to buy that clear sticky stuff to put on it.
  • Angry Birds.
  • I want to be able to talk to my phone and say “Call (so-in-so)” instead of scrolling through my entire address book for fifteen minutes and then skipping over the name and having to go back.
  • Smartphones- specifically iPhones- keep your entire texting conversation and shows both parts of it. My phone only has an inbox and outbox so if I get all creepy and want to mull over a text-message exchange with some dude I’m pathetically pining over, it’s all right there and I don’t need to go back and forth from the inbox to the outbox.

So there you have it.

image courtesy of right here

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