If You Post These Statuses On Facebook, Chances Are I Hate You

I’m annoyingly overzealous about my Facebook status updates like the next guy, but there are some things that pop up on my newsfeed that I just can’t help but judge people over. So, I’ve compiled a list of EIGHT different Facebook statuses that make me wonder why I ever pressed “Accept:”

1. “Dear… (1-2 sentence long rant) Sincerely, (Name)”- Anyone who structures a status this way seriously deserves to get punched in the face. I can’t even begin to explain how much these statuses annoy me.
2.  “Cell’s Good”- Do you really think someone’s going to read your status and say, “Oh wow! This guy just posted a status saying ‘cell’s good!’ He’s so laid-back and easy-going. I’m sure so many people are calling him right now! I’ll go off and shoot this guy a txt.” No. You’re not cool and easygoing. You actually look super desperate for attention. I hope everyone who’s thinking of “txting” or “hitting up” your cell reads your status and then decides not to.
3. “Boo it’s Monday! EEEK” or “Thank Gawd it’s FRIDAY!”- Newsflash: People have friggen smartphones these days. It takes two seconds to look up the temperature of the water around the Titanic for crying out loud, nevermind checking what friggen-ass day it is.
4. Laundry list of what to do today- Hey you know what? I’m totally stressed out over all the shit that I need to get done. Do I want to hear about what you have to do? FAHK no! Especially if it’s something stupid like running to the bank or going grocery shopping. Do you really expect a “like” from this status? What kind of reaction are you looking for here? Do you expect a response from people?
5. Any and all posts about the gym– Good for you! You work out. Why the HELL would anyone on your newsfeed care about how you are going to the gym? It’s a pretty mundane, common occurrence. Unless you’re meeting Barack Obama there or your gym is passing out free 14K gold iPhone covers, no one cares. Oh and we’re not stupid. We all know you’re that recently-single 17-28 year old dude looking to score some A and wants the layyydayyyz to think you have sculpted abs.
6. “So HUNGOVER! Ugh!”- Are you trying to convince me that you’re cool enough to drink with or something? When I’m hungover, death is so much far up on my shit that the LAST thing I want to do is post a status about it. Instead, I’m crying, puking up bile and experiencing mortifying flashbacks from the night before. Enough, already.
7. “Soooo Bored!”- Why the hell else do people log into Facebook?
8. TMI- Please don’t write a status about the following things: your menstrual cycle, when/where you jack off, your colonoscopy, getting tested for STD’s, that fight you had with your boy/girlfriend, your bowel movements and what your sex life is like.