Nothing grinds my gears more than receiving an obligatory “invitation” from an extended family member to a party SMACK DAB in the MIDDLE of a Saturday or Sunday. Like, hello? It’s my weekend, people. Leave me be.
No I do not care to go to a 2 year old birthday party. He/she won’t remember, anyways. Not to mention the fact that I NEVER SIGNED UP FOR THIS SHIT. I’m a 25 year-old young profesh. I am unmarried and I like to go out and get fucked up every weekend. I can’t even keep my plants alive, goddamn it. NOTHING about my lifestyle even MILDLY suggests that this is my “thing.”
So, fucking calm down and stop inviting me.
You’re lucky that I show up (severely hung-over) to your baby showers. Or wedding showers. Or eighth grade grad parties. After your first kid, DON’T expect a shower. After you’ve gotten married once, DON’T expect a lavish second wedding. It’s rude and you’re taking advantage of me. Also, if your kid is under, like 12 years of age and is not my niece/nephew/child, WHY ARE YOU INVITING ME?
Like, seriously?
All I have to say is that when my time comes, FUCK all of you. When I get married, I will choose the MOST ANNOYING and inconvenient date to celebrate as my GIANT GRANITE SLAB of KARMA I’m throwing back to ALL OF YOU. Memorial Day weekend? Labor Day? Columbus Day weekend? No, not annoying enough.
I’m going to get married ON THE FOURTH OF JULY. I will renew my vows six months later on CHRISTMAS MORNING. No, actually, BETTER YET- I’m going to get married at 9AM on January 1st- the day of the nation-wide hangover. I am inviting your kids. I will not serve you alcohol.
Because, goddamn it, I am sick of your annoying, inconvenient and presumptuous obligatory invitations to parties for the stupid annoying milestones your kids cross.
Oh, and once I have kids, expect an invitation to an “I’m Potty Trained” party, or a “First Day of First Grade” party. Maybe I’ll even have a “It’s My Half Birthday” party EVERY YEAR in addition to their regular party because I AM SO ANNOYED. Ugh.
Bad Fashion: The “Hotness” Test
Have you ever seen a new fashion trend and said “What the fuck?” to yourself? The fashion industry comes out with something new or recycles some style from the 90’s that makes you look like you’re walking around with a load in your pants. I’m taking about Kelly Kapowski acid-washed high-cropped jeans or those Jasmine harem pants or overalls or anything that makes you look like you weigh 500 lbs more than you actually do. I want to know what runs through someone’s head when they’re considering purchasing them, don’t you?
I mean, what the fuck? How can you think the illusion of a droopy crotch is sexy? When looking at a woman wearing Kelly Kapowski jeans, what man says to himself, “Hmmm she’s so sexy. I can’t wait to unzip that unreasonably long zipper covering her foopa to reveal those granny panties underneath. YUMMY”? No man. NO ONE!
Now, I have this theory. Many people assume that the women who buy into these hideous styles are trying to be trendy. This makes sense because they’re usually out at parties in the city with flatironed hair and tons of colorful makeup on. However, I DON’T BELIEVE THIS IS TRUE. My theory is that the joke is on all of us. They think they’re hot shit and know their pants are ugly as fuck but figure, “Hey, if I can go out and get laid wearing these heinous pants, I’m a fucking goddess.”
Am I right here? I mean, if you can get laid wearing harem pants, then you must have a pretty attractive face and a body to die for. If I were a man, it would take a lot for me to look past that. You’d have to look like Megan Fox or something.
Maybe I’ll take this theory a bit further. Maybe it isn’t the women themselves fucking with us, but the higher-ups in fashion. They sit together and come up with these trends to challenge all the young ladies out there that think they’re hot shit. It’s some unwritten and understood agreement.These fashion moguls are like, “Hey, NYC babe, you think you’re sexy, huh? Try getting laid in these vintage floral mom jeans. Muahahahha!” And these twenty-somethings everywhere collectively sign whilst saying, “Challenge accepted.” Then they go out, buy the ugliest new trendy snow pants they can find, wear them out that Saturday night and don’t stop droppin’ it like it’s hot until some hipster buys them a PBR. It’s the ultimate way to test how hot you really are.
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Tagged as 90's, acid washed jeans, awkward, bad trends, crazy, Fashion, fun, funny, harem pants, humor, kelly kapowski, love, no-nos, philosophy, social commentary, society, stereotype, style, thoughts, trend, ugly, weird, women